


Molotov

by silkinsilence



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cheating, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Bondage, Oral Sex, Self-Harm, Underage Smoking, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 04:45:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 62,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4249794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkinsilence/pseuds/silkinsilence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mai's world has been grayscale too long. Azula lights a match and lets it burn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. this weight is all i know

**Author's Note:**

> **Some warnings up front: This is not a pleasant fic. It features depression, self-harm, and suicide ideation prominently, as well as discussions both flippant and serious thereof. Parental abuse, neglect, and parent-child incest also play a large role in the story. It is not particularly romantic. If these things sound like things you don't want to read about, this is not the fic for you.**
> 
> [Molotov now has a theme song! ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv0Zq_11DYw) ...Okay, the song was released almost a decade before I wrote the fic, but I just found it now, so. Enjoy!

_ _

* * *

  _"where do we go from here?_  
_the words are coming out all weird_  
_where are you now, when I need you?"_

* * *

 

Her mother had insisted on buying an entirely new outfit for the occasion, an outcome Mai had expected, though she didn't see why any of the _old_ black dresses hanging in her closet wouldn't suffice just as well as this _new_ black dress. Still, she knew better than to speak up. It was funny; after years of quiet compliance with whatever her parents wanted, her silence had become its own form of rebellion. They had wanted a perfect child, and they had ended up with a sullen, cold, and withdrawn one.

Standing in front of the mirror, Mai reached a hand behind her to yank the zipper all the way up. She liked black, but didn't know whether it looked good on her. Her pallid skin stood in sharp contrast, giving the impression that her limbs were just hovering, disjointedly, around the dress.

Mai didn't show it, but she was nervous. She had reapplied lipstick at least five times, each time scrubbing it off, wondering whether it made her lips stand out too much. She tugged at the hem of her dress and wondered whether it should have been longer. The two-inch heels her mother had found appropriate might end up handicapping her.

She already knew most of Zuko's family. They'd spent most of their time together the past year at his uncle's apartment. If it had only been Iroh, there would be no nerves. Mai liked him, and she thought he approved of her as well. Probably he was just happy to see his nephew happy.

And Mai knew Azula, though not as well. Zuko's sister was two years younger than him and a year younger than Mai. They attended the same school, and though they were in separate classes Azula had a reputation. She was extremely intelligent, extremely frightening, and a stone-cold bitch, with only one friend to her name. Mai had heard enough stories from Zuko to draw her own conclusions, none of which deviated far from the general consensus. Dinner with Azula would be unpleasant, but Mai wasn't really _scared_ of her.

The only unknown element was Zuko's father, and he was the reason Mai stood in front of the mirror and fidgeted with worry over her appearance and the meal to come. Zuko did not talk much about his father, and his silence said a hundred times more than words. Mai knew Ozai was the reason Zuko had lived with his uncle for the past few years, but Zuko never talked about it. She didn't especially blame him, but the mystery only made her mistrust Ozai more. If it was up to her, Zuko would have turned down the invitation and she could have had him over for dinner instead, but he still wanted to make his father happy.

The only consolation was that they were eating out, in public, and so Mai probably wasn't going to end the evening skinned alive.

"Are you dressed yet?" There was the impatient knock on the door. Mai sighed. Her parents were all too happy about the arrangements. Mai's father was hopeful that he would be able to get public support from Ozai, a strong symbol of his pro-business platform, and Mai had become the key piece. She would side with Zuko against his father any day, but her parents' pressure was annoyingly insistent.

Ever since her little brother had been born, Mai had become the problem child. In the end, it hadn't mattered that she'd always done exactly as her parents pleased. It made her wonder what the point of obedience was. Not that she resented Tom-Tom. She was too fond of her brother to begrudge him their parents' affection.

"Yeah." The door slid open.

"Why are you standing around? You're going to be late!" Her mother hurried over, adjusting the dress's straps, pulling at the neckline, until it sat perfectly symmetrical on her daughter's collarbones. "I like the lipstick, by the way. I think you could use some earrings..."

Mai stood still while her mother fetched a pair of dangly gold things from the open jewelry box. They did look good, she had to admit.

"Now remember not to say anything rude, and make pleasant conversation. Make sure you say thank you! And mention your father, but subtly. Nothing too obvious."

"Yes, Mom."

"I have absolute confidence in you." She hugged Mai from behind, her bony frame pressing against her daughter. Mai closed her eyes and wished she wasn't nervous. Why did this have to be such a big deal? It was stressful enough without her parents' intervention. She was undoubtedly going to end up letting somebody down. It was hard to even get excited at the prospect of seeing Zuko.

"Thanks."

"It's too bad..." Her mother's voice trailed off. She used her fingers to trace the faint lines that crossed Mai's shoulder.

Mai felt as if ice had been dumped down her dress. She pulled away. Those marks weren't for her mother to touch. They weren't even _that_ obvious.

"It is, isn't it," she said flatly, ready for the evening to end before it began.

* * *

She felt marginally better when she was outside, her heels clacking on the pavement as she made her slow way to the train station. The sounds of other people, cars, and electricity faded into the background. It was easy to pretend, when she was walking or on the train, that her parents were very far away. She didn't even mind the hour-long commute to school, where she would stand and stare out the window. More and more frequently these days, she would think about never getting off the train. She could switch lines to get into the countryside, make her way to an airport, disappear somewhere and never be found.

It was an idle fantasy. She would stay for Zuko and for Tom-Tom and for her parents. It was just a wish, just a daydream; it was easier to keep going when she knew escape was theoretically an option.

The train wasn't very busy. Most people would be with their families, she supposed. A loud gaggle of tourists was in the back of the car. She seated herself. All of Michi's miniscule adjustments went to waste when the dress wrinkled beneath her. The train sped along, dragging Mai off to her destination, bringing her closer and closer to her fears.

Zuko's university was in the main part of the city, close to her own school. By the time she was walking up the street toward the dorm, he was already standing outside. His hair was neater than usual, and he looked uncomfortable in the black suit. Somehow it looked better than if it had fit him perfectly. Mai smiled. He gave her a quick hug, and then they turned together back in the direction of the station.

"Sorry I'm late. Train was a little slow."

"It doesn't matter." He was fidgety. "Father'll probably be late too."

It never sounded less weird to Mai no matter how many times she heard it. Her own parents were strict and hardly close to her, but she had never called her father anything but Dad. She wondered whether Azula referred to him with the same formality.

"How bad is this likely to be?" Mai's tone had adopted its usual monotony. Even around Zuko, to whom she was closest, she preferred distance. A lifetime of suppressing and hiding emotions was difficult to unlearn.

"Better than if you weren't coming." He shot her a quick smile. She reciprocated.

"My parents are still pushing me to get your dad's support. I might have to play that up. Sorry."

"You've just been dating me to get close to him, huh?"

"You got me."

Silence was comfortable around Zuko. That was one of Mai's favorite things about spending time with him. She didn't feel anything leaden hanging in the air when neither of them were speaking. She felt no pressure to interrupt it. Leaves blew past them, all red and orange and brown, as they entered the station again.

"Uncle Iroh says he's thinking about going on a trip soon," Zuko said. "We might be able to borrow his apartment for a weekend or two."

"Oh yeah?" Mai's eyes flickered toward him. "Are you going to throw big college parties?"

"I had something more private in mind." He was blushing a little. It made him cuter. If they weren't in public, she would have leaned over to kiss him.

"Well, if you're up to it, so am I. If I tell my parents it's for my dad's best interests, they'll let me do anything. They love that I'm dating you." She couldn't entirely keep the bitterness out of her voice. Maybe she didn't want to.

Zuko's smile faded.

"Sorry." Mai's nervousness was gone. In its place was a familiar crushing weight, assuring her that the evening would be horrible, easily dissolving the warmth she had felt upon first seeing her boyfriend. She breathed in and out and forced her lips upward, but the heaviness didn't lift.

The restaurant was in the south of the city near the main station. Tall buildings towered above them, all lit up in neon against the black sky. Mai closed her eyes and imagined she was standing at the top instead of at the bottom. It was just another brief, useless fantasy, but for an instant it made her feel lighter.

The restaurant was on the tenth floor of one of the great monoliths. They were met with a suited host who took both of their coats and showed them across the room. Contrary to Zuko's prediction, three people were already seated at the table. As they approached, Mai heard her boyfriend mutter a curse under his breath.

"Sorry we're late," he said more audibly. Iroh, a rotund man with a full beard and head of hair, beamed up at them. It was strange for Mai to see him dressed formally in a suit when he usually wore more traditional clothes around his apartment.

"No problem at all! We hardly had to wait."

"Did you get lost?" It was Azula who spoke next, and Mai's eyes drifted on to her. She only ever saw the girl from a distance, and never so dressed up. Her hair, which Mai had always seen tied up, was shining in a straight curtain about her face. Her lips were dark red, complimenting the crimson and golden dress she wore. She was beautiful, but what struck Mai more was the resemblance between her and Zuko.

"I wasn't ready in time." Zuko forced a laugh.

"Are you going to introduce us?" The third of the trio finally spoke. Ozai was a tall man, broad in the shoulders, and though his hair was shot through with grey he looked quite young. He was the only one of them who didn't smile. His tone was as serious as his face.

"Of course. Father, Azula, this is Mai, my...girlfriend. Mai, this is my father and sister."

"Nice to meet you." Mai bowed her head and leaned forward. Her hair fell over her shoulders, and she resisted the urge to sweep it back. Ozai and Azula returned the bow, each more shallowly. Even as Azula's head moved, her eyes did not.

Zuko and Mai sat then, opposite the table from father and daughter. Mai ended up across from Azula. She didn't know whether she would have preferred Ozai; it was a choice between the sharp eyes and smile of a hyena or the steady glare of a hawk.

The waiter brought sake with the first course of soup. After he had gone, Mai watched Ozai pour a cup for Azula, who sipped with relish. Mai was not fond of alcohol, what few sips she'd had at her parents' dinner parties and campaign rallies. Beer was disgusting, wine was too dry, and sake wasn't much better.

The soup was something unfamiliar. Strange spices clashed on Mai's tongue. She continued to take spoonfuls nonetheless, though she had decided by the fifth gulp that she didn't like it.

"How have your studies been going, Zuko?" Ozai's voice was quiet, but Mai heard him perfectly. His was the sort of voice she could have heard and recognized even through a crowd of babbling people.

"Fine. I have three papers left to write before break."

"What is your class rank?"

Mai watched Zuko's fist clench unnecessarily hard on his spoon. "Around fifty, I think." In a class of five hundred, it really _was_ impressive.

Across the table, Azula's lips twitched upward.

"Hm." Ozai said nothing more. The air stretched tense and thin, like a balloon filled too full and about to pop. Mai did not typically mind quiet, but this silence sat uncomfortably on her shoulders. She wanted to say something about how fifty was very good, about how hard Zuko had been working for it, but the words stayed in her mouth. As useless as ever. As silent as a statue.

Iroh, seemingly immune to any discomfort, came to the rescue. "You deserve it! You've been working very hard. It's good to remember that life isn't just about a perfect mark, after all."

Azula's attention seemed to be on rearranging the napkin in her lap. Her nostrils flared, though her smile stayed in place. She looked up then and caught Mai watching. She lifted one eyebrow. Mai held the eye contact a second longer before looking away.

"Strange words from a man who graduated at the top of his class," Ozai said calmly.

"Exactly! I should have spent less time studying and more time enjoying myself. I'm having to make up for it now. Oh! Did I tell you I intend to go on vacation in December? Europe. Iceland, maybe."

"No, you didn't. How...nice."

The next silence stretched on until they'd all scraped their shallow bowls dry. As if on command, the waiter reappeared, whisking the dirty dishes away and replacing them with foie gras. Mai had tasted it before once or twice at her father's functions, but she had never learned to like it.

"So, Mai." She was surprised when Ozai addressed her, as she'd felt more like decoration than an active participation in the meal so far. Underneath the table, Zuko's hand found hers and gave it a quick squeeze. "Your father's running for reelection next year, isn't he?"

"Yes. The odds look quite good." Her mother's words echoed in her head, but Mai thought the meal was awkward enough without her directly asking for Ozai's support. Dropping a hint would have to suffice.

"He's been quite pro-business. I hope that'll continue into his second term."

"My dad's pretty stubborn. He's not going to change his platform anytime soon," Mai said. She hated talking about politics. She didn't really enjoy talking in general. She didn't want to be there. She should have turned Zuko's offer down and told her parents she didn't want to go. She could still walk away and ride the train off by herself to enjoy the holiday in a restaurant where she _enjoyed_ the food.

She didn't, of course. She kept her face mechanically still and tried not to let her discomfort show. It was so easy.

"You're studying for your entrance examinations, right?" Iroh asked. The question caught Mai in the middle of a bite and she had to chew quickly to speak again.

"Yes, since the beginning of the year. Cram school, too. My parents have their sights on a few different universities in the area."

"What will you study?" Ozai again.

"I'm not sure yet." Mai's discomfort was easing away into annoyance. She was having this exact conversation with everybody these days. It was so repetitive. What did it matter where she went to school? She hardly even cared. Her parents would end up choosing out of the schools that accepted her scores. She would go and take the classes they wanted her to take. It was all so predictable that it was boring. If people wanted to know about her future, all they had to do was ask her mother and father. She was a middleman, nothing more and nothing less.

"Plenty of time to figure it out," Iroh said. It would have been comforting if she hadn't heard the exact same thing from every other adult she'd ever had this conversation with.

The third course was fish, more familiar than the others. The motion of the chopsticks between her lips and the plate kept her grounded. It was better than sitting there with nothing to hold on to as if she was spiraling out of control, as if she would drift away into the sky with nothing to anchor her. They were already a good hour into dinner. She was ready for it to be over. How many courses were there? She watched sip after sip of sake disappear between Azula's red lips.

Iroh and Ozai entered into a mild discussion of workers' rights, and Mai took the opportunity to excuse herself to the bathroom. It was exactly as fancy as she would have expected from a restaurant like this. Framed squares of color adorned the tile walls. The lighting was unpleasantly harsh. She splashed cool water on her face, careful not to smudge her makeup too badly, and then hid in a stall. She supposed five minutes was the maximum amount of time she could spend without looking suspicious.

The door opened behind her, but whoever came in didn't go into a stall. Minutes passed and they didn't leave. Mai was past the five minute mark. Finally she resigned herself, flushed the empty toilet, and opened the stall door.

Azula was leaning against the wall, that little smirk still in place on her lips.

"The other stalls are free," Mai said.

"Thanks. I didn't notice." She didn't move. Mai hesitated another second and then headed for the sink. She _wasn't_ going to ask.

"You want my father to endorse yours, right?"

Mai inadvertently made eye contact with Azula in the mirror that hung over the sink. She wouldn't stop smiling. It was starting to annoy.

" _My parents_ want your father to endorse mine." Pedantic.

"Do you not?"

Mai didn't respond. The water was cold and refused to warm up no matter how long she held her hands under the faucet. She kept her eyes on the mirror, watching the girl standing behind her. She didn't know what Azula wanted. Her reputation seemed only to be confirmed by the second.

"I'm just saying. If that's what you want, I can make it happen."

"That would be great. Thanks." Mai refused to play. She had come to the bathroom to find refuge from the stress, and now it had followed her in there.

"It's no problem. Just one little thing."

There it was.

"Break up with Zuko."

Mai laughed, more out of incredulity than anything else. She shook water droplets off her hands and grabbed paper towels by the fistful, more than she needed. "Not going to happen. Sorry. My dad'll live."

Azula shrugged. "All right." She still didn't move. Mai walked to the door and pulled it open, but before it closed behind her she felt a hand on her shoulder.

They were very close together, and the scent of perfume was overpowering. Underneath flowers and spices, though, there was a bitter smell, something just faint enough to register. Mai thought she recognized it, but when she inhaled again, it was gone.

"Does Zuko know about these?" Azula asked casually. One finger traced the scars. For the first time that evening, Mai's general feeling of gloom evaporated. Anger cut cleanly through. She wrenched her shoulder away from the other girl and walked faster. She didn't look back to see whether Azula was following. She made her way back to the table and tried not to look as upset as she felt. When she had seated herself once more, Zuko's hand was there, and she squeezed it.

For the rest of the meal, Mai ignored Azula as best she could. It was hard, considering they were seated directly across from one another, but Mai refused to let their eyes meet. She didn't know what kind of reaction Azula was trying to get from her, but she didn't want to play along. She wasn't going to break up with Zuko, even if it meant her parents would be thrilled. She would cling to the one, small piece of her life that still made _her_ happy.

By the time dessert came, Mai was full. Conversation had slowed, the pauses becoming more and more frequent. They didn't feel as overwhelmingly awkward as they had at the start of the meal, but Mai couldn't wait to be gone. It hadn't been as bad as she had expected, but in some ways the mundanity made it worse. She looked at Ozai as he calmly ate and knew that this man had made Zuko's childhood dark. No amount of friendly conversation would ever change that.

At last, hours after they'd begun, the meal came to a close. The waiter brought the bill, which Ozai paid with a flourish and a generous tip, and finally they rose. It was a relief to Mai to pull her coat back on, safely hiding her shoulders. As the cloth slid over her scars, though, she caught Azula's cold eyes on her.

The other girl smiled. Mai turned away, cold anger continuing to froth in her stomach.

It was cold out. Even with the warmth of the wool coat, Mai shivered. Zuko wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. The embrace didn't do much to warm her, but it made her smile, and that was what was important.

A sleek, spotless silver car was waiting for Ozai and Azula, its engine running and the driver already seated. Azula disappeared gracefully into the interior, and Mai noticed that she hadn't been wearing a jacket despite the chill. Iroh, Zuko, and Ozai stood in a loose circle.

"Have a good trip, Iroh," Ozai said shortly. "I suppose I'll see you again after Christmas."

"Of course! Enjoy your holidays too." Iroh smiled.

"Thanks for the dinner invitation, Father," Zuko said. Nervousness made his voice sound breathless. Mai stood nearby, watching him carefully, wondering what to expect.

"It was pleasant," Ozai said. "As was meeting your little girlfriend."

"At New Year's-?" The hope in Zuko's voice, though he fought to contain it, was evident. Mai closed her eyes and wished she could hold him, wash him clean of the desire to make that man happy.

"I'll be busy." There was a note of finality in Ozai's voice. He looked over, gave Mai a brief nod, and then slid into the waiting car before she had time to return the gesture.

Mai crossed the few feet between her and her boyfriend and hugged Zuko. She wished she had the right words. She never did, it seemed. Fear of saying the wrong thing kept her mouth shut. She didn't know how to comfort Zuko when her best advice was to forget Ozai.

"Christmas will be better with just the two of you," Iroh said, but his smile didn't reach his eyes. He leaned in to hug Zuko too. It was just the three of them, towering buildings around them, the black sky crushing down.

It was cold.

"Thanks for being there, Uncle," Zuko mumbled.

"Whenever you need me." Iroh pulled away. "Happy Thanksgiving Labor Day, you two! Mai, I hope I'll see you soon. You know I love the pleasure of your company."

"I'm sure I'll be around."

They waved as Iroh bustled away toward the train station. Then it was just the two of them. Mai didn't know why, but her eyes were watering. A familiar leaden weight was settling itself onto her shoulders, one that was eased but not erased by Zuko at her side. She thought of going home and telling her parents that she hadn't really done as they had asked at all. She imagined the long silences and pursed lips, a hundred times worse than outright anger. A house where the primary weapon was passive-aggressiveness was an unpleasant house indeed.

"We should go," Zuko said eventually. His words were clearer. Mai wondered whether he'd been crying. She hadn't been able to see his face clearly enough to tell.

"Yeah."

The station was even emptier now. Silence reigned supreme, and for once it wasn't the comfortable silence Mai usually shared with Zuko. She glanced between him and the windows over and over again, trying to force herself to say something. His attention was fixed beyond the glass. The lights outside were so very bright.

"I'm sorry...things didn't go how you wanted," she said finally. She couldn't look at him as she said it. Her hands clamped tight around her purse.

Out of her peripheral vision, she saw Zuko shrug. "It was kind of stupid of me to hope. I just thought...since it was his idea, maybe he actually was interested in...I dunno, reforming something real. Anything."

"He's not a good person, Zuko. He doesn't deserve your approval. He doesn't deserve your love."

"It's not that easy," Zuko said. " _You're_ still trying to make your parents happy."

"I still _live_ with my parents. It's kind of necessary to not rock the boat."

"I can't help it, okay?" Zuko brought up a hand to cover his face. He turned sharply away from her. "None of this is easy! They're my family. And you can't just sit there and act like it's simple."

"Sorry," Mai said. She was. She should have kept her first apology inside. She had made things worse. She hated fighting with Zuko. She hated the necessity of this conversation. She wished they didn't have families. If only it was just the two of them, somewhere where the world wouldn't interfere...

They boarded the silent train. Mai wondered if it would always be like this, if any action on her part would always result in regret. Doing nothing at all was safest, wasn't it?

She stared out into the blackness outside the windows. She imagined the train hitting something, detaching from the tracks, rolling over and over. Fire. Screams. She and Zuko would both be part of the smoldering wreckage, and then there would be two sets of bad parents at the funeral.

It didn't happen, of course. The train kept going straight.

Zuko kissed her goodbye when they reached his stop, but Mai didn't feel much better.

* * *

As she'd expected, the weekend following was marked by cold silence from both her parents after Mai told them she'd failed to get any sort of backing from Ozai. She left out the fact about Azula offering to help if she broke up with Zuko. Her parents would instantly demand she dump him. She knew that. It made her feel cold inside to think of how easy it would be for them to throw away even something that mattered so much to her.

On Monday, she had a doctor's appointment, meaning she was late to school. She had just gotten off the train and was headed for class when a figure across the street happened to catch her eye.

None other than Azula was walking in the opposite direction from the school. It had been hard to recognize her at first because she wasn't wearing her uniform. The smirk she'd worn during the whole dinner was gone, leaving her face intense and vaguely contemptuous. Her every step was purposeful. She commanded herself with a kind of grace that was rare to find in anyone, let alone in high school students.

Mai realized she'd stopped walking to stare. Curiosity had taken hold. After a moment of deliberation, she doubled back and crossed the street, keeping a fair distance behind Azula. It was busy enough that she didn't think she'd be heard, but if Azula saw her uniform she would be recognized at once. Mai knew she shouldn't be doing this, should just go straight to school and forget about it, but she didn't care. This was more interesting than anything else likely to happen that day.

Azula had turned off the main road and disappeared into an alleyway. This was looking to be a worse and worse idea by the second, but the farther she went the more interested Mai became. What was Azula, top-of-the-class Azula, doing cutting school and disappearing down alleys? The vague idea of blackmail flitted through Mai's head. Maybe Ozai wouldn't think so highly of his daughter if he knew she was doing things like this.

Azula was nowhere to be seen by the time Mai was making her own way down the alley. The apartment buildings blocked a great deal of sunlight, lending the whole setting an ominous air. Mai half-expected someone to jump out and stab her.

It would be interesting, if nothing else.

The alley ended so abruptly that Mai was unprepared when it widened into a small courtyard. In the midst of the brick cell, standing amidst trash cans and pigeons, stood Azula, alone. She held a cigarette between two fingers and was currently exhaling a cloud of whitish smoke. She jerked her head up, and Mai was treated to the rare sight of surprise on the other girl's face.

Azula rearranged her features quickly enough. The confident smirk was back.

"You're following me now?"

"Looks like it." The smell of smoke was very strong. Mai wrinkled her nose. So _that_ was the acrid scent she'd gotten off Azula's skin the other night.

"Do you want one?" Azula offered the pack. Her eyes were very cold. Mai gave her head an abbreviated shake. Azula took a long drag and glanced to the side.

"...You just cut class to come here and smoke?"

Azula shrugged. "There are worse reasons to skip."

"Does anybody know?" Mai didn't really understand. Why the hell would anyone as smart as Azula's reputation held her to be smoke? If it was about image, why was she sneaking off to alleys instead of doing it publically? Was this just an isolated incident?

"You know the school would confiscate them if they found out. Maybe expel me." Azula made a tunnel with her lips and directed a column of smoke toward Mai's face. Mai coughed and waved a hand to disperse it.

"What the hell?"

"Don't complain. You interrupted me."

"Does your father know?" Mai didn't know why she was bothering.

Azula appeared to consider this question. Her lips pursed together in quiet contemplation. The cigarette dangled loosely from one hand. "Hm. Probably. It would be hard to... _live_ with someone and not know. Don't you agree?"

"Why?"

From Azula's face, it was obvious. She gestured impatiently with her busy hand. Sparks and ash flew from the cigarette. "Why do you cut open your shoulders?"

"Because it _won't_ give me cancer and destroy my lungs before I turn forty," Mai said coldly.

Azula laughed. "I won't turn forty."

That took Mai aback. Azula's smile flickered for a second, her lips moving quickly to form something Mai thought might have been a swear. But just as quickly the smirk was back.

"Call it my teenage rebellion, if you want."

"Isn't the point of rebellion to make it public?" Mai asked.

"I'll save that for the kids without futures," Azula said. "I'm going places. This is just a distraction. I'll stop sooner or later."

A lot of comments ran through Mai's mind. She didn't immediately voice any of them. The more time she spent here, in this cramped and desolate corner of the city, breathing in smoke and surely coating her own lungs with chemicals, the more uncertain she became about the girl standing in front of her. The smirk, it seemed, was a mask. Mai was beginning to watch it peel back. She wasn't sure she wanted to see what was underneath.

Azula let the remnants of her cigarette fall and crushed it into the ground with her heel. Mai wanted to make a comment on littering, but looking at the bags of trash surrounding them made her words die in her mouth. As the smell of tobacco and smoke started to fade, the scent of filth became more and more pronounced. Mai was grateful she hadn't eaten much for breakfast.

Mai was still looking around the courtyard when Azula pulled her jacket off, held it under one arm, and proceeded to take off the shirt underneath it as well.

"Give me a warning!" Mai turned around to face the brick wall, but not before she caught a glimpse of a lacy blue bra. Was this a regular occurrence? She imagined Azula standing alone in this alley, undressing with nobody else there when anyone could walk down the street and see her. The thought made her uncomfortable in a way she couldn't quite identify.

"Sorry. I thought you might enjoy that." How Azula managed to sound both smug and disinterested at the same time, Mai would never know.

"Why would you think _that?_ "

Azula just laughed. Mai heard the sound of a zipper opening and closing, and then the rumpling of cloth.

"So why were you following me?"

"You were obviously skipping. I was curious."

"Why aren't _you_ in class, anyway?"

"Doctor."

"Ah. You can look now."

Mai gave a cursory glance to ensure Azula wasn't messing with her. The other girl was wearing her school uniform now, the tartan skirt and white button-down shirt Mai herself wore. Azula pulled on her jacket afterward, then reached into her bag for a bottle of perfume. Mai held her breath as Azula repeatedly sprayed herself. For a few seconds, the floral scent completely overwhelmed both the smell of tobacco and the lingering stench of shit. A few breaths and Mai's head was aching. She didn't know how Azula could stand it, but she supposed it was possible to get used to it. It was possible to get used to anything.

"Why are you still here?" Azula asked, trading out the bottle of perfume for a toothbrush and toothpaste. Mai watched with detached interest as she started brushing her teeth. It was disgusting. This whole affair was disgusting, but she couldn't look away. It was so funny how she'd ended up with a secret in her hands after all.

"Dunno. I'll walk back with you." She wasn't planning to make the offer. She didn't even really think about it. It rolled off her tongue as if it had never originated in her head.

Azula spat onto the pavement, a white splatter. Filthy. "Aren't you worried I'll get my stink on you?"

A good point. Mai imagined her mother hugging her daughter to welcome her home, breathing too deeply, and smelling perfume and tobacco on her skin. What would Michi think her daughter had been up to then? The image made her smile.

"No. Come on."

Azula led the way, swinging her bag up onto her shoulder with ease. She brushed past Mai's shoulder none too gently as the latter brought up the rear. Mai sighed, and for the first time it occurred to her whether she should tell Zuko about this. Maybe he should know his little sister was a smoker. But then again, what could he do about it? Maybe he even knew already. Probably the only person who could actually intervene was Ozai, but Mai didn't want to tell him. She thought of Zuko's fear of the man. And telling school staff would mean Azula's father would end up knowing anyway...

"Are you coming?"

Mai looked up. Azula stood at the far end of the alley, a shadowy figure with a background of light. Mai couldn't make out her expression from the distance.

Mai crossed the gap.

Despite her protests, Azula seemed willing enough to walk with Mai. The faint smirk had reasserted itself on her lips. It was strange to walk beside Azula when Mai was so intimately familiar with her brother. She saw Zuko in Azula's profile, though Azula's posture was far more confident, her stride more graceful. But their faces were similar.

"Why not heroin?" Mai said abruptly, after several seconds of silence had gone by, after they'd turned onto the main road. "Ecstasy. I don't know. Pot."

"Marijuana's disgusting. Ecstasy kills brain cells. Heroin would kill me quicker...And they're all illegal."

"But you'd get the high. Smoking doesn't do that."

"Are you an expert on drugs now?" Azula's tone was derisive, mocking. Mai's knuckles clenched hard around the handle of her bag.

"Never mind."

"Do _you_ want the high? I'm sure you can get yourself some ecstasy. It'll be great publicity for your father's campaign when you die of overdose."

"I said never mind."

"Just imagine it! Mommy's been distracted with your little brother all afternoon, but then it's dinnertime, so she calls and calls and nobody responds. They start without you, thinking Mai's just being her usual sullen self, but eventually they realize something's wrong. Mommy comes to your room, opens your door, and finds her poor little daughter dead on the floor with a needle in her arm. She screams and cries, and Daddy comes running, and they're both so sad."

"I thought ecstasy came in pills?"

"And Zuzu! He'd be so heartbroken. If you were going to die, at least you should have gone together, like Romeo and Juliet! That'd make the news. There would be a big funeral. I guess I would go. And then in a month or two, your parents would focus all their attention on their son, and you'd be nothing more than some ashes."

"Do you play this game with Ty Lee?" Mai couldn't imagine it. Azula's only friend was a volleyball player known for her ability to contort her body into freakish poses. Ty Lee was bubbly, cheerful, and outgoing, seemingly the polar opposite of the girl walking at Mai's side.

"It upsets her."

"Were you trying to upset me?"

"Just having fun." Azula smiled. Her eyes were very cold.

* * *

Class didn't go well that day. Mai was a good student, generally, when she bothered to put in any effort, but today she was distracted. Her mind was a long way away. She thought her skin still smelled faintly of cigarette smoke, though maybe it was just her imagination. She replayed the conversation over and over again in her head as if trying to solve a puzzle for which she had no instructions. Azula had said her father probably knew she was a smoker, which made it sound as if she hadn't told him herself. So maybe there was still a chance that Mai could use it against her, threaten to tell Ozai unless Azula got her father to endorse Mai's.

The only problem was that Azula was a liar, according to Zuko, and she didn't seem like the type of person who'd easily go along with blackmail. Mai didn't know if it was even worth the effort. If she did this for her parents, they would forget soon enough. Then there'd be a new demand, and another, and another.

As she sat through the day, one foot tapping impatiently, a single bit of conversation from that morning stuck in her mind.

 _I won't turn forty_.

At least they weren't in the same class, so Mai didn't have to see Azula again. On her way to cram school, she made her slow way back to the train station. Across the street she recognized the place where she'd seen Azula walked earlier. She couldn't stop thinking about it.

When she was done with cram school, it was already dark. The sun had long since disappeared behind the horizon. Mai stood alone on the train and watched the city flash by. She was tired, though it was only Monday. She wouldn't see Zuko until the weekend, probably. She still had five long days to pass until she could see him, feel the weight lift ever so slightly from her shoulders.

Did other people feel like this? Did Azula feel like this? Mai wondered whether smoking would help. It just seemed like another inconvenient distraction, something unnecessarily harmful in a world already full of unnecessary things. If she wanted to die, she would do it quickly, not draw it out with tobacco clogging her lungs.

 _I won't turn forty_.

Sooner or later it would get better. Maybe next year, when she was away from her parents. For now all she needed to do was focus on every day. Life wasn't overwhelming if she only looked at it from one second to the next.

Her stop. She watched her legs move her out onto the platform and continue their automatic journey toward her house. It was fully dark now. Streetlights flickered into brightness. This was one of the quieter, more peaceful neighborhoods of Kyoto. There was still the sound of people and cars, but also the wind in the trees. Mai's family was well-off enough to afford a stand-alone house, shining with light amidst the peaceful dark.

"I'm home," she called when safely in the entryway.

"Welcome home," her mother's voice responded from somewhere in the house. Mai sighed, pulled off her shoes, and headed for her room. She was intercepted in the large living room by her brother.

"Mai!" He toddled over to her and hugged her legs. She smiled down at him and boosted him up with one arm. He patted her face with his small hand. His happiness was contagious. He was the apple of their parents' eyes, seemingly able to do no wrong. From what Mai remembered of her childhood, they were far more lenient with him. It didn't really matter to her. She would rather Tom-Tom had an indulgent childhood than one where anything but the correct behavior was quickly and sternly punished.

"How was your day?" she asked quietly. He was heavy.

"I shopped with Mommy," he said.

"Is that so?" She brushed some strands of fine dark hair out of his eyes. He really was overdue for a haircut, unless he was aiming to emulate his sister's bangs.

"How was your English test?" Michi asked, appearing out of the kitchen with an apron tied around her waist. She reached out her hands for Tom-Tom. Mai reluctantly gave up her brother, who went to his mother's grip without complaint.

"Fine," Mai said. English was relatively easy for her. The only stumbling block there had been the pervasive distraction of that morning's events.

"And the doctor? Nothing wrong?"

"Just got a vaccine updated. Fine otherwise."

"Your father's coming home early tonight, so we'll be eating then." Michi gave her son a kiss and smiled at him, eliciting a giggle from the child. "Get to work on your homework."

"Yes, Mom." Mai left the two alone. Once in her room she peeled off her socks and collapsed onto her bed. She had even less motivation than usual to open her textbooks. The invisible weight of unhappiness pressed down strongly. More than anything else, she just wanted to close her eyes for a little bit. She picked up her cell phone and called Zuko, but there was no response. He was probably a lot busier than she was anyway. It was selfish to distract him too much.

The light blurred above her. She was tired. The evening stretched before her, infinite in its monotony, and beyond that her future. She blinked, but the light continued to be blurry. It occurred to Mai that something was wrong with her.

Her parents called her for dinner and roused her from a nap she hadn't intended to take. When she glanced in the mirror, Mai saw that her eyes were puffy and red. Maybe she was getting sick. Maybe it was just winter coming.

"We're thinking about Hokkaido for winter break," Michi announced over dinner. Mai's silence here went as unnoticed as it did at school. Everywhere, it seemed, she was little more than a shadow, watching but not interacting, listening but not speaking. "It'll be good to get away for a little while, and we can see your grandparents, Mai."

"How long?" Mai asked.

"The whole two weeks, probably. Your father will come join us on the weekends."

"...Can I stay here?" Hokkaido, Kyoto, it didn't matter. The scenery wouldn't ease Mai's insistent lethargy. What she needed was to spend time with Zuko, the only person who made her feel remotely better. If she went, it would only lead to endless pointed looks from her mother when she failed to show adequate emotion to anything.

"Don't you want to see your grandparents?" Michi frowned.

"Iroh's going to Europe. I need to keep Zuko company." Mai felt a little bit guilty about using her boyfriend as an excuse.

Michi looked toward her husband. Ukano shrugged.

"She's responsible."

Michi's lips grew very thin, but she didn't argue the point further. Mai hated upsetting her mother. The victory was hers, but it didn't feel like it. She kept eating with her head down and her gaze focused on her plate.

* * *

The week went on. It was colder than it should have been, colder than Kyoto had been in past autumns. Mai went to school, then to cram school, and did her homework. The rhythm seemed even more monotonous than usual. Her memories of the conversation with Azula and the illusory scent of cigarette smoke were already slipping away. She looked forward to the weekend, to seeing Zuko, and beyond that to winter break.

On Friday afternoon, Mai was sweeping the classroom when she saw Azula walk past in the hallway. She set the broom down and grabbed her bag as if in a trance. Mai ignored the inquiring glances of her classmates and left the room. She didn't know why she followed her. Maybe it was the desperate attempt to reassure herself that the conversation had really happened.

Azula walked with purpose down the stairs, never glancing around. In contrast, Mai constantly checked behind her, walking as quietly as possible to make sure she wasn't heard. She had never left school early before. She wondered if she had saved all her small rebellions for the last few months of school before she went off to college. Small insurgencies didn't really matter, she told herself. It wasn't an issue until her parents found out. Still, she didn't know why she felt like throwing caution to the wind. Azula certainly wasn't worth it.

After retrieving her shoes, Azula marched outside and down the road. Mai followed, always keeping a good distance, certain that sooner or later Azula would notice her or someone from the school would call her back. At first she'd thought Azula might just be going home early, but there was no waiting car. Instead she continued to stroll down the street, her bag hanging loosely from one arm. She was headed for the train station, Mai realized. Did she take the train home like the rest of them?

Mai was beginning to feel that this was an idiotic venture, but at the same time she didn't have any decent reason to stop. She followed Azula through the crowd of people leaving the station, up the stairs, and past the shops. Azula didn't head for the tracks, though. She disappeared into the bathroom. Mai ducked into the supermarket and waited amongst the produce, feeling more and more ridiculous with each passing second.

When Azula emerged, she was no longer wearing her school uniform, but the same shirt and pants she'd been wearing the first time Mai found her smoking. She walked with the same purpose, heading straight past the glass windows of the supermarket. Mai didn't expect her to look around, but as if Azula felt she was being observed, her head turned. Those bright eyes caught Mai's, and a second later she was smiling. She changed her path, heading for the door. Mai, resigned to the inevitable, walked to meet her.

"Are you following me again?"

Mai said nothing. She pressed her lips together and kept her face still. The answer was probably obvious nonetheless. What else would she be doing?

"If you want a cigarette, all you have to do is ask." Azula turned and began walking. When Mai didn't immediately follow, Azula turned around and raised an eyebrow. Mai followed her then.

"I don't."

"Are you going to give me a reason today?"

"I was bored. I wondered what you were doing."

"You couldn't guess?" Azula didn't head for the trains, but for the first level of the building. The vending machines were there, set back into an alcove, snacks and drinks and...cigarettes. Azula produced a card from her bag and fed it into the machine. A few seconds later, a pack slid out the bottom. She retrieved it with deft fingers.

"How'd you get that card? You're underage."

"I've got a fake ID."

"Doesn't your father watch your purchases?" They were walking again, slipping through the doors to the station and outside into the cool autumn air again. School was letting out. They were surrounded by children and teenagers wearing uniforms, heading for the trains, heading for home. The two of them pushed against the tide. When they approached a relatively calm side street, Azula pulled a pack of matches from her pocket and lit up. Mai started coughing, getting a lungful of the white smoke.

"No. I can do what I like. If it started smelling too bad, he'd probably find a way to cut me off, though." Azula shrugged. "Why are you so interested in my bad habit?"

"I don't know. You seemed smarter than that."

Azula gave a laugh that dissolved into a cough. Mai watched the light of the setting sun reflect in her dark hair. Were her lips ever unpainted? Did she wake up in the morning with a coat of red already there?

"I know exactly what I'm doing to myself. I tend not to do things just for the hell of it. That's more of Zuko's area of expertise. I suppose I should thank you for not telling him, by the way."

"I do what I can." People flowed around them as they walked past buildings and shops. The sun was sinking lower in the sky.

It occurred to Mai that she liked talking to Azula. Maybe the person wasn't important, though. Maybe it was just talking to anyone at all. Even with the scent of cigarette smoke far too heavy in her nose, the invisible pressure on her shoulders had lifted somewhat.

"What do you see in Zuzu anyway?" Azula asked.

"He makes me happy," Mai answered automatically.

" _Are_ you happy, then?"

Mai moved her lips to answer, but the word stayed inside of her. She stopped walking, and a few steps ahead Azula stopped too, one eyebrow cocked inquisitively. Mai didn't really notice. She stared down at the pavement and bit her lip. She didn't want to think about it, but she wasn't happy. She hadn't been happy in a long, long time.

The realization shouldn't have come as a surprise, but she felt stunned by it nonetheless. Her lips kept moving, searching for the right words. She just needed to push everything down, continue to lock whatever she felt away, and she would be fine. If she didn't think about it, it didn't hurt. She just needed not to think about it. Sooner or later, it would go away.

There was pressure in her eyes. Shit. She didn't want to cry. This was idiotic. None of this would have happened if she'd just stayed at the school and gone home when she was supposed to.

Azula's fingers were cool when they wrapped around Mai's hand. Mai looked up then. The sunlight was bright enough to make her blink, and it was then that tears slipped down her cheeks. She squinted in a half-baked attempt to conserve her dignity.

"A no would have been fine." Azula was smiling. Anger rose inside of Mai, and she ripped her hand away and kept walking. She didn't want to think about these things, and she hated Azula for making her. She wanted to close her eyes and slip back into the peaceful numbness to which she'd become accustomed. She didn't want to disturb routine, to try new things, to have to confront anything about herself. She was fine where she landed as long as she didn't think too hard.

"I mean, I figured as much. Happy people don't tend to cut themselves open." Azula caught up easily. Her smile wasn't as broad, but there was still a hint of a smirk around the edges of her lips. Mai looked away.

"Do you know from experience?" Her tone was sharper than usual.

Azula didn't answer, just tapping her cigarette to scatter the ashes into the wind before taking another long draw. Mai imagined tar building up on the inside of her lungs, filling them up, suffocating her. One day Azula wouldn't be able to breathe any longer.

There was a park up ahead. Mai wondered if Azula had deliberately been leading her toward it. The grass and trees were a pleasant break from the buildings, and the red leaves were pretty. When Azula seated herself on a park bench, Mai was not too reluctant to join her.

"I don't suppose you talk to your parents," Azula said.

"They don't care. If anything, Dad would worry it would mess with his image. They leave me alone as long as I don't rock the boat."

"Were they upset to discover you were cutting?"

"Mom cried. She said she felt like a horrible mother." Mai stared down at her hands. She didn't know why she was telling Azula this, things she had never even told Zuko.

Then it occurred to her—she didn't tell Zuko because she didn't want him to worry about her. She had no such reservations about the girl sitting beside her. She didn't think Azula even cared, apart from hearing an interesting story.

"That almost sounds like an apology."

"It wasn't. She never really apologizes."

"Neither does Father."

Mai glanced sharply to the side, but Azula's face was disengaged as she blew out a mouthful of white smoke. Mai watched it drift upward and dissipate. She wondered what it would feel like to breathe out a cloud of smoke, to kill herself slowly. Part of her longed to try it. She told herself she shouldn't. She gripped her hands very tightly together in her lap.

She thought of Zuko. "He has a lot to apologize for."

"Oh? Does my brother say that?"

Mai frowned. "Of course not. He still...he wants to make him happy. I don't know why. He should forget him. He'd be so much happier."

"You do know why, though." Mai turned, the half-formed question already on her lips. "You're still trying to please your parents, aren't you?"

"It's different." Mai was remembering having almost this exact conversation with Zuko. It frustrated her. Maybe the siblings were more similar than she'd thought at first. The only difference was that being around Zuko made her happy, whereas being in Azula's company...well, it had already brought her to tears for the first time in months.

"Zuko's probably worse than you, though. It's like an obsession with him. It's so adorable, and so pathetic. He's like a little lost sheep."

"It's not stupid to hope." Mai didn't like hearing Zuko insulted, especially not by this cold girl.

"Oh, in his case it is. He's delusional. Father will never give him what he wants, and it's so obvious to everybody except Zuko." Azula sighed and stretched her arms upward. She tossed the cigarette away, letting it land carelessly on the pavement. Mai stared down at it. "People see what they want to see, I suppose."

"Like how you think you can stop smoking if you want?"

"Oh, but I can. Just like you can stop being sad whenever you want. It's very simple, you know?"

Mai looked at her, uncomprehending. Azula was smiling again, but it didn't reach her eyes. She raised one hand, held out her thumb and index finger, and pretended to shoot herself through the head. Mai's lip curled.

"See? Easy," Azula said, still smiling.

"I have cram school," Mai said. She stood and grabbed her bag. This had all been a huge waste of time. She had ended up worse than when she had started. She deserved it for indulging a stupid whim. The girl sitting beside her was _sick_.

"All right." Azula stood too. They looked at each other for a second, and then Mai turned. Before she could take a step, Azula grabbed her arm, just like she had just back in the restaurant bathroom. This time, though, she didn't press her cold fingers to Mai's shoulder. She leaned in and pressed her lips against Mai's.

It took approximately a second for Mai to realize what was happening, and then she shoved Azula away. The other girl was laughing. It incensed Mai. How dare she?

"Don't ever touch me again," she snarled, then spun on her heel and strode out of the park, down the city streets, heading for the nearest station. Anger fueled her every step. She angrily wiped her lips on the back of her hand and realized the stench and taste of cigarettes lingered on her mouth. It would take forever to get it off.

* * *

 

"Mai! Up!" Tom-Tom demanded, tugging at her skirt.

"Not now," she murmured, running her fingers through his black hair. She wanted to disappear into her room and hide, compose her thoughts, before—

"Welcome home!" Too late. There was Michi, emerging from the kitchen, her arms spread wide to embrace her. Mai tried to turn away, but her mother engulfed her in a hug, and then there was no hiding any longer. Mai had washed out her mouth, washed her face, hoped that the time at cram school would get rid of the stench. But unlike Azula, she didn't bring a change of clothes to hide the smell of cigarettes.

After barely a second, Michi pulled back. The lack of a smile on her lips made it evident that she'd caught on. Mai stared evenly back at her mother, refusing to give up anything without being asked.

"Why do you smell like you've been smoking?" Michi demanded. "My _God_ , Mai, have you been? What's wrong with you? You know how unladylike that is. This isn't what your father needs."

"It wasn't me," Mai said. She didn't know why she bothered. Her parents would draw their own conclusions regardless of her input. She thought about telling the truth, probably worse than her mother's imaginings. _I spent a while with a girl who smokes, and then she kissed me._ Her mother would probably have a heart attack. That was exactly the sort of publicity that her father would find hard to explain away. Forget Zuko, that she had a boyfriend.

Rebellion, hot and angry, coursed through Mai's veins. What did it matter? Why was it her responsibility to ensure her father's career didn't crash and burn? What was the point of doing anything at all if her parents always assumed the worst?

"That's likely! Why do your clothes smell so horrid then? Get them off. Now I have more washing to do! I can't believe how selfish you can be."

Tom-Tom, down on the floor between them, raised his arms and continued to beg to be picked up. Michi reached down and snatched up her son as if afraid Mai would do it first.

"I'll wash them myself."

"No, you won't. Go change before dinner. I'm not telling your father about this. He has enough to worry him. But Mai, if I catch you smelling like this again, you will be punished. I knew we should have kept a closer eye on you. Maybe you need to be escorted to school. Is that it?"

"You're overreacting," Mai said. Her voice was flat. She was done with this conversation. Still, in some sick way, she was glad she'd ended up getting caught. Perhaps her mother would see now that she wasn't her doll. She could do what she liked. What did it matter as long as she didn't ruin her parents' plans for her future? It didn't matter even if she had smoked a thousand cigarettes. They didn't care about her. They just cared about image. "I'll wash up better next time."

Michi's eyes flashed. "Don't speak back to me, Mai. Go to your room, now."

"I'm sorry." Mai turned and brought her bag with her. The smell of cigarettes lingered around her, a reminder of a girl with cold eyes and a hard laugh who pantomimed putting a gun to her head and pulling the trigger.


	2. a part of me i've never seen

_"I have a lot to love_   
_I have a lot to lose_   
_at this point in my life I'd rather die than lie to you"_

* * *

 

Her mother might have threatened punishment, but her desire for Ozai's public approval meant that Mai was still allowed to spend time with Zuko. On Saturday, Mai was on the train by one o'clock, done with school for the day and feeling light. It was sunny outside, she was going to see her favorite person, and she didn't have to worry about school for another two days.

The only thing to darken her mood was the memory of Zuko's little sister and the damned kiss. She felt guilty, dirty. She should tell Zuko, she knew, but she was afraid. She hadn't wanted it, hadn't asked for it. It had just happened. What would he make of it? What if he blamed her? She was terrified of losing the only person still capable of making her smile.

So Azula would be responsible for yet another secret she was keeping from her boyfriend. First the cigarettes, and now the kiss. She was determined not to accumulate any more. Azula was a bad influence. But still, when she remembered the anger on her mother's face, Mai couldn't deny that she felt a surge of vindictive pleasure. Rebellion felt good.

Guilt returned full-force when she arrived at Zuko's dorm to see him waving, a smile brightening his face. She smiled back and hurried to cross the distance. When they reached each other, they embraced, and Zuko kissed her. She wanted to close her eyes and spend the rest of her life in that small piece of time, held in his arms, not having to think or feel anything. Then her mind, unbidden, thought about the difference between this kiss and her last, and Mai had to pull away.

The heaviness was pressing down on her shoulders and lungs, threatening to drown her. It must have showed on her face, for in an instant Zuko's hand was resting on her back and concern was evident on his face. Mai looked away, shaking her head. She couldn't worry him. She couldn't.

But now she was afraid that her small piece of happiness had been tainted beyond repair.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Zuko asked. Mai nodded. She made her lips smile. He didn't look completely convinced, but he didn't ask again. "I'm so happy to see you. It's been a really long week."

"For me too." Mai took his hand and they walked along down the sidewalk. Falling leaves swirled around them. "How are your essays coming?"

Zuko sighed. "Barely started. Class was really busy this week, and whenever I tried to write, nothing came out. And I've been kind of preoccupied ever since that dinner." His voice trailed away. Mai squeezed his fingers in her own.

"I wanted to apologize. I know I was kind of harsh about that. I can't judge you for wanting your father's approval. I still think he's an asshole, but I know how hard it is." She couldn't look directly at him while she spoke. She was envisioning sitting on a park bench and hearing Azula's voice echo.

"That...really means a lot." Zuko's voice had a quaver in it, but it didn't break. Mai closed her eyes and felt the warmth of his hand in hers. She could feel her heartbeat in her wrist and imagined the blood flowing through her fingers into Zuko's, their veins connected, just one large system. "I just keep thinking about it. Like when he said he'd be busy at Christmas. I felt like I screwed up somehow, like dinner was a test and I failed it. If I'd said something differently, or done something else, or gotten better grades, maybe he'd see me again."

"You can't ration love like that. You can't just...only give it in return for something. It's wrong, and it's not genuine."

"I'd settle for something fake. I'd settle for anything. I know I have Uncle, but I just want to hear him say he's proud of me." Mai glanced up at her boyfriend's face. His brow was furrowed, his eyes distant. She wanted to smooth away those wrinkles with her hand. "Azula can't do any wrong. It's not _fair_."

The mention of the third party Mai was trying not to think about was jarring. Could Azula do no wrong? If her father knew she smoked, would he be happy with her? What if he knew that she was, apparently, into girls?

But then again, had the kiss even meant anything? Was it just an intimidation move, some sort of ploy intended to upset Mai? It had worked. And wasn't that what Azula did? Nothing was genuine about her.

...Damn. Azula had wormed her way into Mai's thoughts again.

"Azula doesn't have Iroh. And besides, you should be glad you're not like her. You're kinder. You're better. If Ozai's approval meant being like that, wouldn't you rather be yourself?"

"It's hard to like anything about me when he doesn't," Zuko said brusquely. He pursed his lips. An awkward silence passed between them.

"...Let's talk about something else." They were almost to the cafe that was their unspoken destination for these weekend meetings. "Do you have any plans for winter break, then? My mom wants to drag me to Hokkaido, but I told her I wanted to stay."

"I'll probably be around. Uncle invited me to go with him to Europe, but I'd miss class, and then I wouldn't be able to see you." He smiled down at her. She smiled back. "So we can probably spend a lot of time together."

"I look forward to it."

It was warm inside the cafe, if a bit crowded. Zuko ordered tea for himself and coffee for Mai, and then they both sat by the windows, hands wrapped around their warm cups. The world looked different through glass. Even though Mai had been standing on that sidewalk herself just a few minutes ago, now it seemed infinitely far away. She might have been born where she was sitting, never knowing anything else but the chair and the smell of coffee. She took a sip black and wrinkled her nose. Disgusting. She took another.

"I almost forgot!" Zuko said as they sat. She watched him pull his coat off but leave his scarf on. It was cute, and she had to smile. "I'm going to Tokyo next weekend with some friends. I meant to tell you sooner, but it's been kind of last-minute."

"Oh." The thought of a weekend without seeing Zuko was enough to put a definite damper on her mood. Mai didn't want to bother him, though, so she kept her dismay concealed. "Have fun."

There was silence while they both drank. Mai glanced around the cafe at all of the other people there, smiling, laughing, all of the people with lives so distant and different from her own. She envied them.

"How's school going for you?" Zuko asked.

Mai gave a noncommittal shrug. "It's fine. It goes. I'm spending most of my time studying for entrance exams in January."

"You'll do fine. Better than me, I'm sure."

"I'm not really worried. I just want to get it over with. And then my parents will pick a school for me." Mai frowned down into her cup. It had just occurred to her that her parents might choose a university out of Kyoto, somewhere distant, where she couldn't see Zuko on the weekends. What would she do then? Could she stand up to them? _Could_ she put her foot down? She found it very hard to remember a time when she had actually said no to them.

"Mai?" Zuko sounded concerned again. She looked up and forced a smile.

"I'm fine. Sorry. Just thinking."

"Is there anywhere _you_ want to go?"

"I don't know what I want." Her voice sounded a little distant in her own ears. The familiar clutches of unhappiness were bearing down on her once more. It was as if a film was covering her eyes even as she watched, transforming the colors of the cafe and street into grey. She hated it.

_He makes me happy._

_Are you happy?_

She wasn't. It didn't really matter. She was used to it.

"Mai, there must be something you want to do." Zuko pulled his hand away to take a drink of tea. Mai wished he hadn't. The warmth had kept her grounded. Now she felt as if she was floating away, disappearing into the background. Zuko was just another piece of furniture. "You can't let your parents steer your whole life."

"Why not? They know better than I do." Her cup was almost half-empty, she noticed, even though she hadn't yet added cream and sugar. She took another bitter sip.

"It's your life, not theirs. Come on. I know there are things you like. You can do something for you. How about today? Let's do something fun. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know, okay?" Mai put her cup back into her saucer with more force than necessary. She was starting to feel sick. Worse, she was starting to be annoyed with Zuko. It was her fault, she knew, but she couldn't quench the resentment rising thick and hot inside her.

Zuko's tone got less intense, but he didn't stop pushing. "Anything."

"I want to be happy," she said flatly. That shut him up.

Almost instantly, though, guilt was running through Mai. She shouldn't have said it. She shouldn't have said it. Why couldn't she keep her mouth shut? Zuko was the one person she didn't want to antagonize, and here she was, saying things she never should. It wasn't his fault she was unhappy; quite the contrary. But it was too late to take it back. The words sat coldly in the air between them. Mai gripped her coffee cup very hard and wished she could throw it at the wall. She was such an idiot.

"...I'm sorry you're not having a good time," Zuko said. He spoke tightly, barely moving his mouth. He wouldn't meet her gaze.

"It's not that. Zuko, forget it." She closed her eyes. Now she'd gone and done it. She should apologize, but her apology stuck in her throat. She didn't want to apologize for being unhappy. It was she, after all, who had to carry the weight around on her shoulders, to feel disconnected and distant, to wonder when her next few brief seconds of happiness would come and whether it was worth waiting. "I shouldn't have said that."

_It's very simple, you know? Bang. See? Easy._

"Why _did_ you say it, then?" Zuko met her eyes now, but his expression was far from a relief. Mai looked away.

"I was just thinking. It's nothing."

"What's nothing? It seems pretty damn important!" When he raised his voice, a few other patrons of the cafe looked around. Zuko lowered his tone hastily. "Why aren't you happy?"

"I don't know!" She bit her lip. This conversation was out of control. "I'm sorry, okay? It's not you. Please just forget I said anything."

Zuko sighed. He still looked unhappy. Mai couldn't blame him. She couldn't really feel anything.

"Let's go back to your dorm. We can study together or something," she suggested. Maybe a change of scenery would help him forget. Maybe a change of scenery would help her feel more like a person and less like a ghost drifting uselessly and unanchored through the atmosphere.

"Okay," Zuko said. They returned their mugs to the counter and headed for the door. Mai thought it was colder outside than it had been before, though it was probably just having sat in the warm cafe for so long. She shivered, and Zuko wrapped his arm around her, but it wasn't much comfort.

When they reached his room, they didn't study. Mai kissed him first, to break the awkward silence, and then his hands were covering her skin and pulling off her shirt, and she didn't feel inclined to stop. Sex was nice. It was a distraction. When they were kissing, she didn't have to speak. When he thrust into her and moved slowly, gently, all that was required of her was to arch her back and moan, let her mind drift into a haze of pleasure.

Of course, when it was over, the weight returned, and Mai felt sick. She closed her eyes and pressed her face into Zuko's pillow.

 _I kissed your sister._  
_I kissed your sister._  
_I kissed your sister._  
_I kissed your sister._

* * *

Noontime on Monday saw Mai opening her lunch alone in a corner of the classroom. She'd taken to reading or studying while she ate ever since she'd realized that sitting on the edge of conversations made her feel more isolated than ever. Her classmates had grown distant over the course of the past year; they still acknowledged her and gave friendly smiles, but she was never invited along to anything they did. She didn't really mind. She didn't really care.

It would have been a completely normal lunch period, but only a few minutes after Mai started eating, a girl from the class below them entered the classroom. Mai registered the long, pale brown ponytail and the bright eyes, and she had flicker of recognition before the newcomer sat down across from her.

"Hi!"

"...Hi." This was Ty Lee, wasn't it? And surely that meant Azula wasn't far behind. The bite of chicken in Mai's mouth started to taste sour.

"You're Mai, right? It's nice to meet you!"

"Uh, likewise. Why are you here?"

"Azula said we were going to eat with you today. She's running a little late, but I'm here! Is that okay?"

It was really the opposite of okay, but it was quite hard to say no to such a genuine smile. Mai supposed that was why Azula had sent Ty Lee in the first place. She had no idea why the two of them were friends—just another of the many mysteries she was collecting involving Azula, she supposed.

"I really should be studying," Mai said, pointing at her open book with her chopsticks. Ty Lee's smile flickered.

"Oh. Yeah. I won't talk. You can just keep reading."

Mai groaned internally. She tried to return her attention to her book, but as she'd expected, it was next to impossible with someone sitting across from her. Even though Ty Lee kept her word and said nothing, it was as if Mai could feel her, as if her presence was a tangible thing. Eventually accepting the inevitable, Mai sighed and closed her book.

"Why did Azula decide to eat with me?"

"She didn't tell you? Sorry. I thought...she made it sound like you agreed." Ty Lee frowned, though she didn't seem too surprised. Mai supposed Azula's companionship came with a whole host of lies and deceptions, and then she couldn't stop herself from asking.

"Why are you friends with her?" Mai asked without prelude. She knew the question was inappropriate, but she couldn't stop herself.

Ty Lee blinked, but she didn't look too taken aback. Mai wondered if she'd been asked the same thing before.

"I know she comes off really...harsh, but she's not that bad. She's a lot of fun to be around, really! And it's never boring, that's for sure."

"Do you know she smokes?" Mai didn't feel guilty if the answer happened to be no. Azula had started this. She could deal with her secrets out in the open.

"Yeah." Ty Lee's smile flickered. "I've tried to get her to stop, but she doesn't talk to me about it. I worry sometimes. She started a couple of years ago, I think. I'm actually not that sure, but that was when I first found out."

They were interrupted when the door to the classroom opened again, and there stood Azula herself. She strode casually across the room, ignoring the glances from the upperclassmen, and seated herself beside Ty Lee. Mai watched as Ty Lee brushed a stray strand of hair back behind Azula's ear; the latter didn't flinch.

"Sorry I'm late," Azula said, her lips hinting at a smirk. She placed her lunch on the table and began eating, handling her chopsticks with an almost regal grace. Her back was ramrod straight. Mai had never met someone with such impeccable posture before. She was certain Azula did it on purpose, sat so imperiously to convey a sense of superiority. Everything about this girl was a construct. Mai wanted to rip away the layers and reveal the ugliness underneath.

"You can't be late if we didn't have plans in the first place," Mai muttered. She was distinctly annoyed now. Her nice, quiet lunch had been interrupted, and now she had to deal with someone who was rapidly becoming her least favorite person in the world.

"There's no need to be rude," Azula said. Mai resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I thought you might enjoy some company. Besides, I'm sure you already know everything there is to know about—" She glanced at the textbook lying there. "—trigonometry."

"Why won't you leave me alone?" Mai asked. She didn't like the way Azula was looking at her, the smile playing about her mouth. She didn't like the memories that her presence drudged up of a sunny evening and an illicit kiss.

Azula laughed. Her eyes stayed cold. "A little hypocritical, don't you think? As I recall, it was you who followed me both the first and second times. I'm just giving you the companionship you obviously desire for free, so you don't have to come looking."

"I don't want to see you anymore." Mai ignored the reproving look in Ty Lee's eyes. What did she know about this anyway? Why were they there? Why couldn't she have just eaten in peace and quiet and let the day drift on into obscurity like any other day?

"That's nice," Azula said nonchalantly. "I didn't ask for you to follow me, either. So I suppose we're both ending up with things we didn't want. Besides, I have to keep my eye on you. You're my brother's girlfriend. I have to make sure I approve."

"Stop pretending you care about Zuko. Stop playing whatever game you're playing. I'm not interested, okay? Please just leave me alone." Mai stabbed her next bite with particular force, even though she wasn't really hungry anymore. Other people were starting to give them looks.

"My offer still stands, you know," Azula said.

"What?" Mai had no idea what she was talking about.

"Break up with Zuko and I'll get my father to endorse yours."

"I'm not breaking up with Zuko," Mai said. She wished Ty Lee would say something, but the girl hadn't said a word since Azula showed up, as if she'd only speak when given permission. "Is that what this is about? Is that why you kissed me?"

"You _kissed_ her?" Ty spoke, her smile vanishing, her face taken aback. Azula's eyes narrowed, and Mai felt vindictive pleasure.

"It doesn't concern you, Ty Lee."

"But you said—"

" _It doesn't concern you_." Azula paused and took a deep breath, her nostrils flaring. " _Anyway._ Suit yourself, Mai. Oh, and we have another invitation."

"I don't want it."

"Oh, no, this one is fun!" Ty Lee interjected, her smile returning but less radiant than before.

Mai supposed she was going to hear the offer regardless of how many times she said she didn't want to, so she lowered her eyes to the desktop and wished class would begin again already.

"Since Zuko's going to be out of town for the weekend, I thought I'd invite you to spend it with me and Ty Lee instead," Azula said.

"No, thank you," Mai said automatically.

"You'd rather spend it with your family?" Azula managed to sound so innocent, even when her smile never made its way to her eyes. Mai tightened her unoccupied hand into a fist. She wanted Azula to stop smiling, stop talking, to go away and never come back.

"Than you? Yes."

"Pity," Azula said. "Well, the offer stands. Here, I'll give you my number."

"I don't want your number."

"Imagine how happy your parents would be to hear you've spent the weekend with me. Surely they'd understand that being close to me means being close to my father, too."

"I don't only do things to make my parents happy, you know."

"Imagine how angry your mother would be if she knew I smoked. I'll give you a cigarette. We can even buy sake. You can rebel all you like without getting your lips anywhere near mine."

"Make up your mind. And stop talking about that."

"It's not a big deal, you know," Ty Lee cut in again. Her eyes were large, pleading. Mai wondered why she cared. Did she want a third party there to prevent Azula from doing something to her? That was a bleak thought, but not really one that made Mai more inclined to say yes. "You can just do your homework or something. We don't _talk_ the whole time. It'll be more fun with three, like a giant slumber party! Please say you'll think about it."

"I don't know what you want from me, either of you," Mai said. "I'm not interested in this friendship."

Ty Lee looked personally offended. Azula just raised an eyebrow.

"You're quite determined to be unhappy, aren't you?"

"That has nothing to do with this!" Mai came very close to raising her voice. It was a struggle to force herself to quiet down, to remain level. "You don't make me happy. You make me angry and frustrated. Is that what you want? Just leave me alone!"

"...All right," Azula said finally. She gathered her things and stood. For once her smile was gone. "Ty Lee, we're going."

"Thank you," Mai said.

"Just one more thing."

Mai closed her eyes. It would never end.

"Give me your phone."

"I don't want—"

"Do you want us to go?"

"You are insufferable," Mai said flatly, and handed it over. When Azula was done, Mai saw a new contact there. She thought about just deleting it, but at least now she'd know to ignore the number if it ever popped up on her screen.

"Have a nice week," Azula said, unsmiling, and then she and Ty Lee left. Mai put her head down on the table and breathed in and out, trying not to think too much, trying not to feel.

* * *

It was a bad week.

By Wednesday, Mai had an insistent headache gnawing at the edges of her skull. Class dragged by slower than it ever had before. A seventy on a particularly tricky math test meant that she had to endure a lecture from her parents, and Michi still hadn't forgiven her daughter for coming home smelling like cigarettes. The environment at home was marked by sullen silence and pointed glares, interrupted only by the laughter of Tom-Tom, who was too young to understand his family's tension. Mai couldn't wait for Michi to leave for Hokkaido, but winter break was still weeks away yet. In the meantime, Mai found herself sleeping more than she should. Homework was a chore.

Thursday and Friday passed as slowly as if they were a week in their own right. Mai kept thinking about the argument she and Zuko had had the previous weekend, and then about Azula. Late on Thursday afternoon she remembered that Zuko would be gone that weekend, and she would have no respite from the long silences of her family. The thought was almost unbearable. Then, while she was leaving the school, she happened to pass Ty Lee in the hallway.

"I hope I'll get to see you this weekend!" Ty said cheerfully, and then she was gone before Mai could explain that she had no intention of ever calling the number she had stored in her phone, much less spending a weekend with Azula and her henchman.

On Friday evening, Mai was able to distract herself with homework, but by the time she went to bed she'd finished it, leaving the weekend as sparse as ever. No new plans presented themselves on Saturday morning, and when she arrived home from school it was with a heavy heart and the bleak prospect of another week until she'd get to see her boyfriend.

Michi was largely ignoring her, a blessing in itself. Mai went straight to her room and lay on her bed with her headphones covering her ears. The music was loud enough that anyone would need to shout for her to hear them. It blocked out everything but her own thoughts and the sound of her heartbeat pumping blood through her unwilling veins. With nothing to do at all but listen, Mai stared at the ceiling and let herself be surrounded by sound. She didn't even really take in the notes and the lyrics. Her thoughts drowned the music out until it became pleasant background noise for the stage of her mind. Her eyes watered from the ceiling lights and tears dripped down her cheeks, though she wasn't sad at all.

She thought about Zuko, somewhere off in Tokyo, probably having more fun than he ever did with her. She still couldn't forgive herself for their fight last weekend. She didn't need to snap at Zuko. He was just trying to help her, pushing her the same way she pushed him to stop caring about his father. Look how they'd both ended up. He deserved someone happy, someone who was always able to smile for him, and she wasn't that. Mai loved Zuko. He made her happy, or at least she thought he did, and that was the most important thing in her world.

She hadn't really planned for if he stopped making her happy. She remembered their last date, when cold depression had sunk its claws into her even as she sat across from him. Was she getting worse? Was she hopeless?

Zuko's words kept pricking at her mind like hornets. He wanted her to have a future outside of her parents' desires. Maybe he wanted her to be ambitious. But Mai didn't really have her own dreams outside of vaguely-formed fantasies that would definitely never come true. Her dreams were pipe dreams, to be sealed up and forgotten about lest they make her sadder. It was so much easier to do as her parents wished. Mai wasn't invested in her future. She couldn't imagine herself doing much of anything. Sometimes it was hard for her to remember that tomorrow existed, let alone years and decades ahead. Each day was enormous, a struggle to get through. Comprehending being unhappy, being purposeless, for too much longer, made her terrified.

These thoughts of her future unnerved her, as they always did, and Mai searched frantically for something else to think about. Her mind latched onto Azula, of course.

The kiss still disturbed her. But given the chance to think about it, Mai wasn't so sure whether she had been justified in reacting the way she had. Azula had been right, after all: Mai _had_ been the one who followed her those first two times. She knew it had just been curiosity, the desire for something interesting in a banal world, but to Azula it might have seemed different. How was she to know she hadn't accidentally given off some sort of lesbian mating signal?

...But Mai was with Zuko, and Azula knew that. There was no ignoring that. Besides, that she kept demanding Mai break up with him probably meant Azula was just trying to screw with Zuko. That certainly seemed more likely based on what Mai knew about the other girl. She didn't seem to be the type to get crushes on people, or enjoy romance, or anything of the sort.

The kiss had upset Mai in a different way too. Up until that point, she had almost enjoyed talking to Azula. It had been nice to be able to say exactly what she was thinking. She didn't have to censor her emotions the way she did with Zuko. She could say exactly how unhappy she was, exactly how repulsive she found Ozai, and not have to worry about repercussions. Azula had asked her questions, too. She had almost acted like she cared.

Azula didn't seem so bad now, when she wasn't in the room.

It wasn't even two yet. The evening stretched before Mai, limitless and far too long. She would have slept, but she wasn't tired. She could read a book, or watch television, or practice for her exams, but all she wanted to do was lie there forever.

Her phone was within reach. Mai stared at the screen. What would Zuko say if he knew she was hanging out with his sister? What would he say if he knew about the kiss? If Mai were to keep talking to Azula now, was it as if she was saying the kiss was okay?

She closed her eyes and didn't think about consequences.

The phone rang three or four times before a familiar sharp voice answered.

"Azula."

"...It's Mai."

There was a pause. Mai could almost hear the smile in Azula's voice.

"How nice to hear from you."

"Yeah."

"Did you just call to chat, or are you going to ask what I think you're going to ask?"

Mai sighed. "That invitation still open?"

* * *

Mai stared up at the building in front of her, checking her phone again to ensure that she was at the right address. She had been suspicious when she'd had to take the train downtown, and now she was standing in front of a hotel, not a house.

Her phone buzzed. _Rm 915_ , the text read. Was Azula _watching_ her? It was entirely possible that Mai was about to go knock on a stranger's door. But nothing ventured meant nothing gained, and even if this was a prank it had eaten a good chunk of the afternoon. Mai walked through the sliding glass doors and tried to act as if she belonged. She shifted her bag and gave the concierge a smile before walking to the elevators. This hotel was the kind of luxurious place where the air smelled like money and everything was made of glass. Mai didn't really care for such lavishness, but it _was_ exhilarating to watch the floors speed by through the transparent walls of the elevator.

When Mai had first asked to go out, Michi had refused. It was only when Mai told her mother, reluctantly, that she was going to spend time with Ozai's daughter that she agreed. In hindsight, Mai wished she'd said she was hanging out with Zuko. The fewer people who knew Mai and Azula were spending time together, the better.

She was lucky, Mai supposed, that her parents cared more about her father's stupid campaign than properly punishing her. It left her feeling bitter to know that she was playing into her mother's hands, though. It took away the fun of rebellion.

Room 915 was at the end of the hall and the only room bearing a "smoking room" sign. That seemed suitable, at least. Mai hesitated for a few seconds and then knocked, resigning herself to it.

There was noise from inside the room. After a few moments, Mai heard the sound of the locks clicking, and the door opened.

Azula lolled against the doorframe. It was the first time Mai had seen her in casual clothes, and she was taken aback by the sight. Mai forced herself not to stare at the lacy straps peeking out from Azula's tank top, or the white skin between her socks and the bottom of her skirt. Instead she fixed her eyes on the cigarette held loosely in Azula's right hand.

"I'm happy to see you," Azula said. Her smile reached her eyes for once, but the effect gave her face a manic look that didn't leave Mai feeling any better.

"...Thanks for the offer." Politeness took hold, however grudgingly Mai said the phrase. Azula's smile grew.

"Come on in."

It was a suite, as it turned out, complete with a tiny kitchen and two bedrooms. Mai relaxed a bit more at that, though she was by no means resigned to the idea of spending the night. The windows were opened, but the room still smelled so strongly of smoke that Mai started coughing. On the kitchen table, a handful of other cigarettes were smoldering away in an ashtray.

"What, have you already been through a whole pack?" Mai said. She set her bag on the floor and started shrugging out of her coat.

"Stressful day," Azula said, closing the door and resuming her position in a wooden chair beside the table. A leaf of papers was spread out there.

Mai glanced around. There was no indication whatsoever of a third person, and now she was starting to get suspicious.

"Where's Ty Lee?"

"She couldn't come," Azula said casually. She had returned to work, it seemed, her slim hands sorting the papers into an order Mai didn't understand.

"Seriously?" Mai didn't bother raising her voice. "You didn't consider telling me? I think it's reasonable of me to not want to be alone with you right now."

Azula sighed and lifted her gaze from whatever she was reading. "Are you still hung up on the kiss? Forget about it."

"But—"

"Forget about it," Azula repeated. She stood from the chair and stepped closer until she was barely a foot away from Mai. Mai wanted to back up, but she also stubbornly wanted to refuse to show fear, so she just stood where she was. "You think I'd want to kiss you again after how much you whined about that one? No. Please. I can do better than Zuzu's used goods." One finger tapped Mai's lip so gently and briefly that Mai barely felt it. Azula's nails were long and pointed, still painted red. Mai imagined them digging into her skin until she bled.

The thought made her shiver.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Mai said. She wasn't as insulted as she probably should have been. She opened her bag and pulled out her notebook, filled with practice math problems similar to those she'd see on her entrance examination. She seated herself across the table, and Azula followed suit, returning to her original position.

"Pretend whatever you like."

For quite a while then there was silence. Mai's pencil scratched against the paper as she did problem after problem, every so often referencing her textbook for a formula or to check an answer. Across the table, Azula's eyes moved steadily back and forth across page after page of whatever she was reading. Soon she'd burned through the first cigarette and snuffed it in the ashtray, only to light another and send clouds of ill-smelling smoke across the table. By the fourth or fifth puff, Mai had stopped coughing. She was starting to like the smell in an odd way. It was harsh and bitter, but something about that edge made it appealing. The thought scared her a little bit, but she dug in her pencil harder and focused more on what she was doing and less on what she was breathing in.

After an hour or so, Azula stacked the papers she'd been reading together and threw them aside, yawning. Mai looked up.

"What are you reading? School?"

"No. Father's got me researching competitors overseas."

"Your dad makes you do work for him?"

"What? If I'm to inherit the company, I'll need to know how to operate it. It makes perfect sense. Besides, he's already got plenty of work on his shoulders."

"Sure," Mai said. She couldn't entirely withhold her sarcasm.

"You doubt his work ethic?" Azula didn't sound offended in the slightest.

"I don't think  CEOs ever actually work that hard. Certainly not hard enough to justify their pay. All you hear about is scandal. I'm sure your father's plenty _busy_. I just don't know in what sense."

Azula laughed harder than Mai had ever heard her laugh before. She looked up, startled, to see Azula resting her forearms on the table as her shoulders shook. A few seconds later, when she raised her head, her eyes were as cold as ever.

"Really? That's what I'd say about politicians. Does your father have a woman on the side?"

"He _does_ spend all his time away from the house." Mai didn't know whether it would surprise her or not. The thought didn't make her feel sad. It didn't make her feel much of anything. "Oh, I forgot to ask. Why are we at a hotel, anyway? Your house being remodeled?"

"Nothing like that. It's just really too big for one person." Azula shrugged. "And I like getting out. And there's something about hotels."

"Where do you live?" Mai couldn't help but be curious. The shows of wealth Azula had put on so far made her wonder exactly how extravagant her house was.

"I'm not telling you that."

"Does your father know you spend money on this?" Mai supposed really rich people had plenty to spare, but she couldn't imagine that anyone who spent vast scads of money rapidly would stay very rich for long. Her father was moderately wealthy, but they lived well within their means. Based on what she'd seen of Azula and Ozai, they seemed exactly the type to spend money on everything that crossed their paths.

"No. I have my own account, and he doesn't check it often. He's too busy for that. That's what I count on, anyway." Azula gave one of those smiles that didn't reach her eyes, the kind that made it impossible to determine whether what she was saying was a lie or the truth or something in between.

"So when you said you weren't sure whether he knew about the smoking..."

"I haven't told him. But there's clues there." As if the discussion had reminded her, Azula slid the pack of cigarettes from her pockets, struck a match, and lit. Another cloud of smoke filled the room, but Mai had become so accustomed to it over the past hour that this time she didn't even cough. "The hotel would probably bother him more."

"Really?" Smoking, in Mai's opinion, seemed the worse offense on almost every count.

"Then again, if he believed that I was only having girls over..."

"So he doesn't know you're into girls?" It was a little insensitive, maybe, but Mai didn't feel the need to censor herself around Azula. The other girl clearly had no problem saying everything on her mind, so Mai didn't see why she couldn't.

Azula's cold eyes fixed themselves on Mai's for a long time. Neither of them blinked. The seconds ticked by, and eventually Azula brought her cigarette to her lips and spoke. Her tone was more brusque than usual, and her eyes remained lightless.

"You're making a lot of assumptions."

Underneath the table, Mai's hands squeezed tightly. "Look. I just want one answer. Just tell me what the damn kiss meant, and I'll drop it. I deserve that much, don't I?"

"You don't deserve anything. Life isn't a rewards program." Azula lit another match, seemingly out of habit, and snuffed it out with her fingers. She didn't wince. Her eyes closed briefly. "Fine. Let's talk about it. It meant whatever you want."

"That's not a real answer."

"Yes, it is." Azula's eyes were even colder now. Mai hadn't thought that possible. If she was feeling anything, she might have been wary of what was to come. As it was, the only thing flooding her was morbid curiosity. "You've made it overwhelmingly clear it was unwelcome and you'd like no more of it. So pretend it meant nothing. I don't care."

"I'm not asking that! I want to know why you did it!"

"What does that even mean? Why do you think people normally kiss other people? You're the one with the boyfriend. Shouldn't that give you some inkling?"

"Just answer!"

"So demanding. I just thought it would be interesting. There. Happy?"

"Is that the truth?"

"It's my answer."

Mai sat back and looked at the other girl for a while. She didn't know whether Azula was lying or not, but it seemed the most plausible answer. Had she been worrying that Azula, what, had a crush on her? No. This was about screwing with Zuko. That was what it had been about since the beginning; Azula had all but admitted that. It simplified things. Mai didn't have to worry about attraction and feelings and complications. It was a game, nothing more, and if she refused to play...

"Have you ever kissed Ty Lee?" Mai thought she knew the answer, but she wanted to see what Azula said. She wished she had some baseline, some way to compare lies and truth.

"My relationship with Ty isn't really any of your business, is it?" Azula's tone was lighter again. They'd steered clear of dangerous waters, it seemed. "If you want to know, I'd suggest asking her. She's not very good at lying."

"But are you...I mean, _do_ you like girls?"

"I don't like anybody."

"You know what I meant."

"That's also not really any of your business," Azula said. "Good grief. And the last time we spoke, didn't you accuse me of harassing you? You certainly love interrogating me, don't you? The cigarettes are just cigarettes, Mai. The kiss was just a kiss. There's not as much to things as we like to think there is."

"I wouldn't have to ask you so many questions if you'd just answer them honestly." Mai felt as if they were spinning in circles.

"Our conversations would be so much shorter then." Azula snuffed out her cigarette in the ashtray and stood, stretching. She opened the minibar and closed it, seemingly bored with the contents. Her dark hair fell loosely around her face in contrast to her usual bun.

"Yes, God forbid." Mai returned to her notebook. She felt as if her skin was prickling. She felt a little bit frustrated, but she wasn't unhappy. She realized, then, that as annoying as Azula was, she had broken the monotony. She'd gotten Mai to feel something other than the flat nothingness that threatened to overwhelm her at all given hours of the day. And that, though she would never admit it, even to herself, made her feel something akin to happiness.

"So do you and Zuko enjoy carnal relations?" Azula took a slow walk around the room, shaking out her arms, and paused by the mirror.

"My turn. That's none of your business."

"I can't imagine he's any good at it." Azula paused, considered. "Maybe that's just because I have trouble imagining him being good at anything."

That annoyed Mai, but she suspected that was exactly the reaction Azula was going for, so she kept silent, her only response the scratching of her pencil across the paper of her notebook.

"Would you describe it as making love?" Azula's mouth curled around the last two words, making them into a curse, mocking them.

"I would describe it," Mai said evenly, "as none of your business."

"So boring." Azula settled into her chair again, this time with a textbook. She didn't speak again, even as her mouth curved downward and her eyes moved steadily across the pages. Mai returned her attention to her practice problems, solving one after another with careful diligence. She didn't dislike math, even calculus; it had its own kind of grace where the answers were concrete and required only a very specific kind of thought.

Indeed, she did fairly well in all her classes, if only because homework was a decent distractor from the numbness that had become her default state. Her parents expected her to perform very well on her upcoming examinations, and then she'd go off to a highly ranked school of their choosing. It made Mai almost want to fail the exams on purpose to see what her parents would do. In some ways, it was like her pipe dream of getting on a train and riding away—a tantalizing daydream that she knew would never become reality.

The math problems, gradually increasing in difficulty, kept Mai occupied until the view outside their windows had gotten dark and the city had illuminated itself. It was only when Azula tossed her book aside and stretched with a contented sigh that Mai realized it was past six. Was she really going to stay the night? If she left now, she could probably make it home in time to eat dinner with her family. Mai imagined her mother's cold looks, the awkward silences, and the inevitable return of the pressure to her shoulders. No. She would stay.

"What do you want to do for dinner? I'll pay." Azula was getting up again.

"We could order room service."

"I want to go out. And the food here's lacking."

"Well, what do you want?" Mai didn't particularly feel like going out, especially with Azula. It felt like something she would do with friends, or even with Zuko, and she didn't like considering the implications there.

"I want you." Azula smiled, not a smirk but something less composed. Mai felt her face flush, and before she could object Azula was a mask again. "A joke. I don't care. I'm not that hungry."

"Don't do that." Mai closed her notebook and stood as well. Her limbs were stiff from her hours of sitting. "Let's just go somewhere easy. I think there's a McDonalds down the street."

Azula raised an eyebrow. "McDonalds? Really?"

"Yeah. Is that too lowbrow for you?"

"I've never been there before."

Mai couldn't hold back an incredulous laugh. She didn't think about how long it had been since she'd really laughed. "What? Seriously? _Never_? How rich are you?"

Azula looked peeved, perhaps even embarrassed. She looked away and muttered something.

"What?"

"...I've never even had a hamburger. Happy?"

"Okay, we're definitely going to McDonalds," Mai said. She wasn't entirely sure whether this wasn't some elaborate prank. Certainly Mai didn't eat out as a habit, but she'd been there. Who hadn't? Billionaires, apparently. This would be interesting.

They pulled on their coats and left the room, Azula carefully slipping the card key into her pocket. Though Azula had promised to pay, Mai brought her bag out of habit and because she didn't want to be indebted to the other girl.

"Have you ever even eaten at a fast food restaurant?" Mai asked while they stood in the elevator, waiting for it to descend the nine floors.

"I'm sure I have, sometime. In an airport, maybe. We have a cook, so she always makes my meals whether Father's around or not. Father doesn't like me eating out. I like it, though."

"Why doesn't he?"

"He's a bit...protective." Azula lingered on the word.

"Not to Zuko."

"Do you really want to talk about that? I don't think you really want to talk about that. If you bring it up, I'll insult your boyfriend again, and you'll get all sulky."

That silenced Mai, though not because of Azula's warning. The reminder of Zuko forced her to consider what she was doing there, talking to Azula, laughing with Azula. Even if kissing was removed from the equation, even if romance wasn't a factor, she was still rubbing shoulders with the girl who had helped make Zuko's childhood the nightmare it was. She had seen him talking about his sister. Zuko loathed her, and Mai understood why.

She turned herself away from Azula as the rest of the floors sped past. Azula's cold eyes lingered on her, always there, always watching.

Despite the awkward silence, the duo still made their way across the hotel lobby and out into the street. It was raining hard, and the sidewalks were covered with people bobbing along underneath their umbrellas. Neither had thought to bring one, so Mai and Azula were forced to walk with their heads ducked.

 Neon lights illuminated the city, casting a glow in the puddles of water. More than once the two had to move out of the way to avoid being splashed by a car driving past. Mai didn't really mind the rain, but Azula's annoyance grew more obvious with every wayward drop that happened to fall on her.

The McDonalds was just up the street, less than a block, and it was fairly crowded when they made it inside. Mai watched Azula looking around, taking in the plastic chairs, the families of tourists, and the uniformed workers.

"First impressions?"

"It's fine," Azula said, somewhat irately.

"Not too low-class for you?"

"It's fine."

Mai let it go.

The line moved ahead, and the two were standing in front of the counter, behind which a worker stood ready. Mai went first, since Azula was still frowning up at the menu.

"A cheeseburger with pickles and tomato, please. Just the sandwich."

"Anything else?"

"I'll have...a number two, I guess," Azula decided. Her lips were still curving downward. Maybe she was a picky eater, Mai supposed. Then, before Mai could intervene, Azula had pulled out bills from her wallet and paid.

"I was going to get my meal."

"Believe me, this is spare change," Azula said, taking the receipt. The two moved to the side and waited for their food. Azula's eyes watched the workers scurrying back and forth behind the counter, assembling hamburgers, scooping fries.

"They're frozen, right?"

"Yeah, most everything is."

Azula sniffed. "Do they even wash their hands?"

"Your cook could be spitting in your food, you know. As could a waiter at any of the expensive places I'm sure you love to frequent."

"At least they'd have the courtesy to do it out of my sight."

Mai sighed. "It's fast food. You take what you get. As long as you don't piss off a worker, you'll probably get decent food. If you're going to complain about everything, we can just go somewhere else."

"Complain? I'm not complaining. I'm telling you my first impressions of McDonalds. Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Zuko doesn't complain." They ate out together frequently. He had never made a big deal out of it. Zuko had never really made a fuss about no longer having access to his father's fortune, though it was surely harder on him to be cut off. Iroh supported him, but the amount he received was surely a pittance compared to Azula's seemingly vast supply of petty cash.

"I have to make up for all his deficiencies," Azula said, leaning her head to smirk. Mai saw the look in her eyes and flushed.

The worker called their number and Mai picked up the tray. They sat at a table for two in the corner, Azula glancing disparagingly down at the crumbs on her seat and wiping them away with a napkin. Mai almost wanted to laugh.

"How often does your father go out of town?" Mai asked as she unwrapped her burger. It was small, but she wasn't particularly hungry.

"A couple times a month. Usually I don't go, since I'd miss school."

"Doesn't the cook or whomever tell him you sneak out and stay at hotels?"

"No. I bribe them."

"You really think he'd care?"

"Oh, he'd care," Azula said. She held up her burger, viewing it almost warily from all sides. Mai had to admit it didn't look particularly appetizing, all squished bun and plastic-looking cheese. Maybe she should have taken Azula to a better place for a better burger, but this way they were killing two birds with one stone.

Azula took a tentative bite, chewed, and swallowed. She shrugged.

"It's not _bad_. Tastes a little...artificial."

"Well, that's better than disgusting."

When they'd finished eating, Mai sneaking fries off the tray whenever Azula wasn't looking, they cleared up and went back out into the rain. It was harder now, and the streets were just as busy. By the time they reached the lobby of their hotel, they were both soaking.

Up in their room, Azula stood over the sink and wrung out her hair while Mai grabbed a towel and wiped her face dry. After a few moments, Azula emerged from the bathroom and lit up a cigarette. She closed her eyes while inhaling. Mai watched her face soften and relax. It was disturbing, like Azula was taking her first breath after minutes without oxygen, like the cigarette was a necessity and not an indulgence.

"When did you start smoking?"

"...I was thirteen," Azula said. Her face didn't change, but her eyes opened. They were as cold as ever.

Four years, give or take. "Why?"

"That's a story for another time," Azula said. "You'd have to give me a good reason to tell that one."

"Fine." Mai tossed her towel down onto the table. A vibration in her pocket distracted her, and she extracted her cell phone. A text from her mother.

_Make sure to ask about her father and the endorsement!_

Mai hadn't noticed how good she was feeling until she wasn't feeling good any longer. The weight came crashing down upon her shoulders with such force she was left reeling. Her stomach dropped, her throat seemed to close, and her eyes began burning.

This was a business relationship to her mother, after all, and she was nothing more than means to an end. Who cared about Mai's happiness? Who cared whether she enjoyed herself? If she didn't fulfill her parents' purpose, she might as well have not gone at all.

Her hands were shaking. Mai threw her phone down and grabbed the table's edge to steady herself. Damn it all. Why did she have to feel like this? Why couldn't she have the numbness, pleasant by comparison? This combination of anger, hatred of her parents, and worthlessness was more than she could stand. She bit her lip, but it didn't help. She wanted a razor, something sharp to drag through her skin and leave a nice red line and a biting pain—

"Mai?"

There was something in Azula's voice. Wariness? Concern, even? Mai didn't care.

"...Give me one," she ordered, her voice level despite her emotions.

"One what?"

"A cigarette." _Fuck her. Fuck them._

Azula walked over to join her. She wasn't smiling for once, but Mai didn't want her there. She wanted her to disappear into thin air and never come back. Mai wanted to be alone. She didn't want to have to think or feel or speak.

"No. You _aren't_ going to get lung cancer and die before you turn forty, remember?"

"I'll die!" Mai snarled. Her hands gripped the table until her lungs turn white.

"It's stupid."

"Then get me alcohol! A knife! Something."

"What's wrong with you?"

"I hate her."

"Your mother?"

"She doesn't care. She doesn't even know! Doesn't she realize it's not natural? It's her fault, you know, I'm so fucked up. She deserves it." Mai would take every single shitty act of teen rebellion she could and rub it in her mother's face. She would go home smelling like cigarettes. She would go home drunk. She would cut open her shoulders and bleed all over her clothes.

"I'm not helping you hurt yourself," Azula said disinterestedly. She sat on the edge of the countertop.

"Fuck you too then." Mai closed her eyes. Her hands found her shoulders, but there was cloth in the way and her fingernails were too short to do any damage. She needed something. Maybe she could throw her phone across the room. No, that would be worse in the long term. That was why she had settled on hurting herself in the beginning. It had the fewest consequences.

She thought of Zuko's nails on her back and her eyes flew open. She didn't care. She wanted the feeling to go away. It would show her mother, wouldn't it?

Azula's eyes widened when Mai lunged for her and pinned her against the cabinets. She kissed her hard, fiercely, like she had never kissed Zuko. A thrill ran through her, like she was on fire. She was invincible. Consequences be damned.

Azula's mouth tasted like smoke, but Mai didn't mind. The taste was another reminder of how wrong what she was doing was. She closed her eyes and leaned into it, didn't think, just felt Azula's smaller body under her own, their clothes pressing against each other and heat making its way through. Mai's head was spinning. It was heady, intoxicating, and she never wanted to come up.

Eventually she broke off the kiss and stumbled backward, hardly able to believe what she had just done, still hungry for more.

Azula smiled. It was she who made the next move, stepping forward and pinning Mai against the table, forcing her to bend backward. Azula's tongue caressed Mai's lips until she opened her mouth. Their teeth clashed together. Azula's hands wrapped around Mai's back. It occurred to Mai that Azula was really a very good kisser.

This was a _very_ bad idea, but Mai didn't want to think about that. She was content to focus only on sensation and let the rest go. And there was, after all, plenty of sensation to focus on. Azula's mouth moved away from Mai's face and down her neck. Mai shuddered and closed her eyes. When Azula's tongue traced a line from her ear to her collarbone, Mai felt as if her stomach was falling out. A familiar ache was growing between her legs. And then Azula started sucking.

" _Fuck._ " Mai buried one hand in Azula's hair. She didn't want to speak again, definitely didn't want to moan, but if Azula kept _doing that_ she wasn't going to have much say in the matter.

There would be bruises, but the thought only sent a thrill through Mai as she wondered what her mother would say.

Somehow, without removing her teeth from Mai's throat, Azula managed to maneuver them both out of the kitchen until Mai felt the bed behind her. She obediently collapsed and found herself pinned. Her eyes opened again and she saw Azula above her, golden eyes fervent, red flowers in her cheeks. It was the most beautiful she'd ever looked.

Azula's hands slipped under the hem of Mai's shirt and then, when Mai failed to object, brought the shirt with them. Mai looked away, blushing, as Azula tossed the cloth aside and it was just Mai's bra between them. Azula smiled like a wolf and leaned her head down again to suck on Mai's collarbone. A gasp slipped from Mai's lips. The heat between her thighs was insistent now. If she had been alone, she would have reached a hand down there to relieve the pressure, but as it was, that seemed inappropriate. Her hands stayed firmly on the back of Azula's head. Azula's wandering fingers slipped underneath Mai's bra to cup her breasts. Mai arched her back and tried not to cry out. Every nerve seemed extraordinarily sensitive when Azula's thumbs ghosted over her nipples.

"Azu--" Mai bit her lip, but it was too late.

"Do you want me to stop?" Azula asked, lifting her head and moving to kiss Mai again. Her hair, falling down over both of them, felt as soft as silk.

"...No." Mai closed her eyes so she didn't have to see the smirk that undoubtedly appeared on Azula's face in response to that.

"Good." Azula's hands reached around Mai, unhooking her bra and pulling it away. Mai tried not to think about the only other person who had ever seen her like this. There was guilt boiling in her stomach, but far more insistent was desire—the longing to _show_ her mother, to forget what she was feeling, and above all the base lust to ease the ache between her legs.

Then Azula's lips had closed around a nipple, and Mai abruptly became incapable of rational thought. She wanted to beg Azula, plead for more, but her pride was still intact somewhere and it kept her mouth sealed but for the occasional gasp.

With her eyes blurred and her head thrown back, it came as a complete surprise when Azula's hand slipped into her pants. Mai felt a fingernail nip her clit and couldn't help it anymore. She moaned, loudly, sure her cheeks were the color of a tomato. She didn't care; she just wanted Azula to touch her, kiss her, fuck her. The smell of cigarettes was everywhere.

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," Azula said, her voice a little ragged. She gave Mai's now-stiff nipple a pair of final licks and then moved to the other breast, where her teeth latched on and she sucked. Mai made a noise somewhere between a groan and a scream. She thought she might have forgotten how to breathe, a feeling that only intensified when the hand between her legs began stroking. Azula's thumb rubbed her clit in slow, teasing circles. Mai gave the smallest thrust of her hips, silently begging for more, and two of Azula's fingers slid into her.

It didn't feel much like having sex with Zuko. Azula's fingers were smaller, of course, but she was also much more thorough, deliberate, as she stroked Mai's walls. Zuko rarely played with Mai's clit unless asked, but Azula seemed to know exactly how to tease the little nub, working Mai into a frenzy. When she didn't think she could stand it anymore, Azula moved up to kiss and suck Mai's neck, and the added sensation was enough to send her over the brink. Mai's hands, tangled in Azula's hair, doubled their grip. Her legs spasmed. Pleasure drowned her, consumed her, and Azula's hand kept moving through the orgasm, enhancing the sensations tenfold.

Finally it was over, and Mai lay there panting, sweat running from her forehead. All thoughts of her mother were gone, as was any sense of guilt. She felt numbly, blissfully empty, small aftershocks of sensation still radiating through her.

Azula sat up, and Mai noticed she was still fully clothed. When she pulled her hand carefully from Mai's pants, her fingers were dripping with a clear fluid. Without breaking eye contact, Azula raised her hand to her mouth and licked it clean. Mai watched, half-disgusted and half-aroused by the sight. Azula smiled and licked her lips, as if she knew what Mai was thinking. Then she slid off the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Shower," Azula said. She looked over her shoulder and smiled. "Care to join?"

Mai hesitated, and then she smiled too. She should return the favor, she supposed. The urge to cover her chest as she stood was strong, but she resisted. It was pointless when she would be undressing anyway. Azula looked surprised that Mai had accepted the invitation, but her smile only grew. She left the bathroom door open behind her as she began pulling off her clothes. Mai struggled to get her tight pants off her legs, but once she was free, she watched Azula. The other girl didn't look away from the mirror as she disrobed, her eyes locked on her reflection. Mai felt justified in letting her eyes wander across Azula's back. Her shoulders were muscular but she was quite thin, the definition of her ribs just visible under her skin. Mai looked at the curve of her ass and then away, blushing. Maybe she was into girls after all.

"You can stare if you like," Azula said, turning away from the mirror at last. Mai had noticed before the sensuality in her every move, but never had it been so obvious as now. She watched Azula's hips sway, her heavily-lidded eyes containing a clear invitation. Mai didn't know whether to look at her face or at her hair brushing her small breasts or at the wall behind her. She wanted to take Azula up on her invitation and maybe keep staring forever.

"...You're very pretty," Mai said grudgingly. She felt like she had to say something, and it _was_ true.

"Oh, you're kind." Azula laughed and stepped into the bathtub. It had been years since Mai had last used a western-style shower, but Azula operated the controls with ease. The tub was more than large enough to fit the two of them, and Mai closed the glass door behind her.

She felt distinctly uncomfortable now. She had never even showered with Zuko, but here she was, all too willing to get naked with Azula. What was wrong with her?

The spray of hot water distracted her. Azula leaned against the wall and let water flow over her until her hair was plastered to her scalp and thousands of droplets of water gleamed on her skin. Mai tried not to be too obvious in her gawking, but it was difficult.

"...Can you pass the shampoo?" Mai asked a few seconds later. Azula opened her eyes and took a handful for herself before passing the bottle. Mai had only just started lathering it into her scalp before she felt deft fingers take over the task from behind her. Azula's hands were as firm and skilled against her head as they had been between her legs, and it was very pleasant for Mai to stand there with her eyes closed, letting hot water flow over her and someone else shampoo her hair.

"I like your hair," Azula said. Mai squinted one eye open, then quickly closed it again for fear of getting soap in it. Azula said something else, too, but it was quieter and Mai couldn't hear.

"What?"

"I'm glad you came."

Mai's stomach did something that made her feel like she was on a roller coaster. She was relieved for the bubbles streaming down her face as an excuse to not have to look at Azula. When the shampoo had washed out of her hair enough for her to open her eyes, she took a deep breath and seized her courage.

The bottom of the tub was hard and slippery under her knees, but Mai managed to balance herself there. She placed her hands tentatively on the shining skin of Azula's lower thighs and brought her head forward.

"What are you doing?" Azula asked, peering down at her with bemusement.

"Paying you back," Mai muttered, and then she opened her mouth and tentatively licked between Azula's legs. The skin was shaved and smooth under her tongue. Mai had certainly never seen another woman's genitals at such a close distance. She closed her eyes, slightly uncomfortable, and licked again. It tasted sweeter than she expected, not disgusting at all but for her own thoughts. Azula smelled of musk and sweat and cigarettes.

"You've never done this before."

"Is it that obvious?" Mai mumbled. She opened her eyes again to get a better view of what she was doing. Azula's labia were red and puffy, coming together in a fleshy bit that Mai supposed was her clit. She moved her hands boldly up to rest on Azula's ass and leaned in to lick with renewed vigor at Azula's most sensitive point.

"That's...better," Azula said. She sounded amused. Mai didn't glance upward to check. She kept her focus on what she was doing, keeping a steady rhythm with her tongue, licking around and in between Azula's lips and then just barely teasing her clit. It wasn't _that_ different from giving a blow job, she supposed. She wanted to feel Azula writhe underneath her. She wanted this strong, cold girl to come apart in orgasm. She wanted to strip Azula's facades away and see her face flushed with lust again.

With that as her driving force, she gently closed her mouth around Azula's clit and sucked. That garnered a reaction; Azula's hips bucked toward her mouth. She was very quiet, though. Mai wanted to hear her moan. She continued attending to Azula's clit for a few more seconds and then returned to her labia, licking and kissing and gently biting. Emboldened by Azula's reactions, Mai slipped her tongue inside Azula's cunt.

It was hot and wet. Mai stuck her tongue as deep as it would go. She had no idea if this was even pleasurable. Zuko had never eaten her out, though she'd entertained fantasies of his dark hair in between her thighs, his lips caressing her skin.

"Less pussy, more clit," Azula ordered a few seconds later. Mai pulled her tongue out obediently, licking up Azula's juices. She tasted good. It had been uncomfortable at first, but arousal was building in Mai's own body again. She was enjoying this.

She moved her head to the side and kissed up the inside of Azula's thigh. When she reached one spot in particular, she noticed Azula tensed, and Mai sunk her teeth gently in and sucked on the skin there. She was rewarded with a shiver from Azula. She hoped it left a bruise. She wanted to settle the score at least a little bit.

Just as soon as she reached the junction between Azula's thighs again, Mai switched to the other leg, licking and suckling her way along. She heard a noise of impatience and looked up for the first time. Azula was splayed against the tile wall of the shower, her hands spread against the smooth surface. Her face was thrown back, her eyes closed, her cheeks red. For a second Mai could do nothing but stare. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen anything quite as beautiful.

"What?" Azula snapped. Her eyes opened, her head angled down, and the magic was gone. Mai returned to licking. It was worth it when she felt small tremors run through Azula's body, when she felt a hand briefly clutch at her hair.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Azula's legs locked themselves around Mai's head, and wetness flooded between her thighs. Still she didn't moan. The only sound from Azula's mouth was a long low sigh, as if she had been holding her breath. Mai kept licking and licking until the skin under her tongue wasn't so slippery. She withdrew her head then, panting with exertion.

"Did you enjoy that?" Azula asked. She had a fanatical gleam in her eyes. Mai wondered whether the sheen on her skin was sweat or water from the shower.

"You obviously did," Mai said.

Azula said nothing but hummed a little with her mouth closed. She didn't look away.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Oh, nothing." Azula offered Mai a hand, which she ignored in favor of pushing herself up. She reached for the soap and scrubbed her face clean. At least now her mouth tasted like Azula's cunt instead of cigarettes. Mai wasn't sure which she preferred.

When the shower was done, Azula filled the tub and the two of them sat together in the water, not speaking. Mai sat behind Azula and rested her head on her shoulder. She watched the water distort Azula's legs, making them look wiggly and disjointed. She let her eyes wander over Azula's body, the opposite of her previous perspective. Her gaze settled on Azula's collarbone. She let her eyes close.

She did a double take. There were thin, faint white lines across Azula's chest, visible now only because of their close proximity. The scars were old, but Mai knew what they were. They were analogous to the angry pink marks that traversed Mai's shoulders. Azula had taken a blade to herself.

A very heavy weight settled in Mai's stomach. She wondered if she should say something. She didn't. She let her eyes close again.

That night they slept in the same bed, back-to-back. Mai curled in on herself and didn't touch Azula. More than once she was disturbed by Azula coughing, and somewhere in the midst of the night Azula got up to smoke a cigarette. Mai slept fitfully. She was trying not to think about what she had done. She had distracted herself from her problems by creating one much larger problem, and she had no idea how it was to be solved.

In the morning, Mai awoke with a headache and the vague sense that she had something to be worried about. She looked around, trying to remember where she was. The curtains were open and light was coming in. She was alone in the bed and couldn't see Azula.

She felt sticky. As she sat up, she remembered what had happened the night before. All too clear were her memories of kissing Azula, feeling those fingers between her legs and that mouth on her throat. She remembered the shower, hot water coming down as she ate Azula out. As she recalled what she had done, an unwelcome throbbing started up again in her core, but Mai ignored it. She put her head in her hands and tried to think clearly.

_You cheated on Zuko. You really, really fucked up._

She wanted to go back to sleep or run away. She didn't want to be here, didn't want to face the consequences of what she had done. Why had sex with Azula seemed like a good idea at the time? In retrospect, it was foolish, irresponsible, and unforgivable. What would Zuko say? What would _anybody_ say?

"Oh, you're up." Azula emerged from the bathroom. She was wearing nothing but black lingerie and a smirk. Mai diverted her gaze. "What do you say? Shall we start the morning with some exercise?" Quickly and gracefully as a snake she crossed the room to join Mai on the bed. This was the same bed where her fingers had first slid into Mai's pants, where her teeth had suckled Mai's neck and breasts. This was the same bed where Mai had allowed this— _thing_ to happen.

"Don't touch me," Mai said. She drew her knees to her chest and covered herself with the sheet. She didn't want to look at or think about Azula.

"Are you playing this game again?" Azula asked. Her tone hinted at exasperation, but Mai didn't care. It wasn't entirely fair to take it out on Azula, she knew, not when she had initiated the kiss, but that didn't mean she had to be polite. Mai wanted, more than anything else in that moment, just to be alone.

"I shouldn't have done that. Any of that. This was a mistake."

"Why? Because of Zuko?" Azula's voice bordered on indifference. Mai couldn't look at her.

"Of course because of Zuko. And I don't even _like_ you."

"Do you frequently eat out girls you don't like?"

"This isn't about that." Mai's hands balled into fists. "Sex was a mistake. That's what I'm saying. I shouldn't have kissed you and I shouldn't have let you fuck me. It's not fair to Zuko...or you."

"I knew what I was getting into," Azula said.

"Okay, fine! This isn't about you! I fucked up!"

"If we hadn't copulated, what would you have done?" Azula's voice was cool and even. "Would you have stolen a cigarette and dug yourself a hole? Taken beer from the fridge and drank yourself sick? Or would you have gone for a knife and sliced open your shoulders again?"

"...That doesn't matter."

"It does," Azula said. "You think Zuko would have wanted you to hurt yourself?"

"It's my fault either way."

"I'm just saying it was the lesser of two evils. He should be glad I was here to watch out for you. Where was he? Far away. Useless to you."

"Fuck off," Mai said, more emotion in her voice than there had been in a long, long time. She tumbled out of bed in her haste to get away from Azula. Her bag lay across the room. She snatched up her clothes and locked herself in the bathroom to change in privacy. Outside the door she heard what might have been a sigh.

Once she was alone, she sat on the toilet and hugged herself. Her fingernails clawed at her shoulders, but they weren't long enough to do any damage. Failing that, she squeezed herself very hard until she couldn't feel any longer.

After five minutes or so, her breathing had slowed enough that she felt comfortable getting up. Mai splashed cold water on her face and stared at her reflection. Her hair was a mess. Dark purple-and-brown spots were rising on her neck and shoulder, visible proof of what she and Azula had done the night before. Mai pulled her clothes on hastily, but the long-sleeved t-shirt failed to cover the hickeys. Muttering a few swears, she ran a comb through her hair. If she kept it in front of her shoulders, it would cover most of the bruises, at least.

She was reluctant to come out of the bathroom, but eventually she was forced to. At first she didn't see Azula at all; the only sign of the other girl was the scent of a fresh cigarette wafting through the room. Mai wrinkled her nose and grabbed her bag. She was fully prepared to leave without saying goodbye, but before she could Azula returned from the balcony.

"Going already?"

Azula was still dressed in the lacy black ensemble. She leaned against the wall and crossed her legs. Two fingers held her cigarette loosely. Mai hated herself for finding the pose so damn attractive. She was forcibly reminded of the shower last night, watching Azula come apart in the throes of pleasure.

"Yeah." Mai's grip on her bag tightened.

"You could stay 'til the afternoon, you know..."

"No." Mai had already killed a good deal of time. Another second in Azula's presence and she was sure she'd only start feeling dirtier and dirtier.

"All right." Azula shrugged and took a drag on her cigarette. "I'll see you tomorrow, I suppose."

"Don't bet on it," Mai muttered under her breath. The next second she was out the door and hurrying down the luxurious hallway to the stupid glass elevator. More than anything else, she wanted to disappear. There was a persistent stickiness on her skin that wouldn't go away, and cigarettes were all she could smell on herself.

She hastened through the lobby and out into the street. As it was a Sunday, the streets were far quieter than they'd been the previous evening, but that didn't stop the gaggles of tourists walking along the sidewalks and gaping at everything. With her luck, Mai supposed a picture of her would end up online with her hickeys visible for the whole world to see.

She leaned against the stone of the hotel and pulled out her phone. The last thing she needed to do was go home smelling like cigarettes. She would be lucky enough if Michi somehow failed to notice the bruises on her neck, but her mother catching her smelling like smoke again would be bad. Maybe Michi would get angry enough that Mai would actually be banned from seeing Zuko or Azula. Mai didn't really know what to expect in terms of punishments; she rarely made her parents upset enough for them to ground her.

A quick search on her phone revealed a number of manga cafes nearby. Mai set off for the nearest one, hoping it had showers.

It turned out to be just across the street from the train station. Mai bought an hour's worth of time and a towel and disappeared into the back with her bag in tow.

For several minutes she just stood under the hot water, not bothering to scrub. Emotions were warring inside of her, guilt and shame fighting with rebellion and anger. After feeling next to nothing for what seemed like forever, this onslaught was exhausting. Mai wished she could control her emotions at the flick of a switch. Was this what normal people felt like, as if their heads were going to explode? She couldn't even think properly, because all of her thoughts led back to the memories: Azula's fingers on her clit, Azula's teeth on her throat, Azula leaning against the wall of the shower with her cheeks flushed and legs spread, Azula wearing nothing but black lacy lingerie...

Eventually Mai grabbed the soap and started scrubbing at her skin as hard as she could. She wanted to get the smell of cigarettes off, but more than that she wanted to get rid of the imaginary stickiness. She washed between her legs over and over, desperate to banish the sense of phantom fingers touching her there.

Too soon her allotted twenty minutes of shower time were up. She dried off and pulled her clothes back on. Mai couldn't be bothered to stick around for the rest of the time she'd paid for, so she went back outside and crossed the street to the train station.

The shower had helped. She didn't smell like smoke anymore.

But she didn't feel clean.

 


	3. i need you so much closer

_"just once in my life_   
_I think it'd be nice_   
_to lose control just once"_

* * *

 

Luckily, Michi didn't notice the smell of smoke on her daughter, or the bruises marring Mai's neck. Sunday afternoon was a blur of guilt and too-loud music. And despite what she had said, Mai didn't see Azula at all at school on Monday. It was only at the very end of the day, after she'd finished cleaning and was heading out to cram school, that anything noteworthy happened.

Mai was retrieving her shoes from their cubby when she heard voices a few rows over. That in itself wasn't unusual; many of her classmates did, after all, leave at the same time she did. But soon after she'd deemed it not worthy of notice, she recognized one of the voices.

"We aren't arguing about this." That was Azula, cold and flat.

"I just want an answer!" Ty Lee, presumably. She sounded upset. Mai didn't know her voice well enough to be certain.

"No, you don't. You think you do, but you don't."

"So something did happen?"

"Don't you trust me?"

"Of course! I just don't understand."

"I don't have time for this right now. Or ever again. We're done talking about this."

"Fine! When you say we're done, we're done, as usual!"

"Go to volleyball practice. You're embarrassing yourself."

"On my way." Then there was the sound of footsteps.

Mai tied her shoes quietly, not wanting to draw attention to herself, while her mind interpreted what she'd just heard. It had sounded like nothing so much as a lovers' spat. Maybe Azula and Ty Lee did have a more intimate relationship, which really made Azula's actions that much more inexcusable.

When Mai was straightening and heading for the door, Azula walked past. As if she felt eyes on her, Azula turned, and their eyes met. She wasn't smiling today, though. Indeed, her face seemed to become even colder as she looked at Mai. She kept going until she was through the doors, giving no indication of the things they had done over the weekend.

That suited Mai perfectly. She made her slower way outside, her feet dragging, her body feeling simultaneously very heavy and very light. Nothing would come of it. It had happened once, and it was over. It couldn't be that hard to avoid Azula when they weren't even in the same class. Rebellion was stupid, and Mai was stupid for having succumbed to it. This brief taste of something else was enough to sustain her, surely, to allow her to keep doing her parents' will.

It was quite easy to tell herself that, and some of the weight lifted from her shoulders. It was okay as long as it didn't happen again.

That evening, Mai had only just finished eating dinner with her family when her cell phone rang. To her surprise, it displayed Zuko's number. Usually they just texted. Her heart started beating faster. Even with the allowances she had made for herself earlier that day, she couldn't help but feel nervous and guilty. What would Zuko think of her if he knew she had eaten out his sister's cunt barely two days previous? Would he hate her? This was far worse than a kiss, especially since Mai had been the instigator this time. For a few seconds, her breathing became more and more rapid, and anxiety so overwhelmed her that Mai nearly didn't answer. But she persuaded her fingers to hit the green button, and then she was lying down on her bed, pressing the phone to her ear, and praying she could get through a conversation without confessing her sins.

"Mai?"

"Yeah."

"It's good to hear you." Zuko sounded happy. It was rare for him. Today, though, his happiness did nothing for Mai but to make her feel guiltier. She tried to move her lips, tried to force herself to say "you too," but nothing at all came out.

"Mai?"

"How was your weekend?" she managed eventually. She supposed he was calling from his dorm room. Maybe he was sitting on the bed. She pictured him smiling as he spoke, and then she felt even worse.

"It was great! Getting away was just what I needed, I think. I didn't end up going out into the city too much, just laid around, but the break was nice. The only way it would have been better was if you could have come."

"...I miss you too," Mai said. She closed her eyes. If Zuko had been home for the weekend, she never would have gone to that hotel. She'd have spent her days with him. He would have made her smile, and she wouldn't be feeling as horrible now. "I had kind of a rough week." It was the first thing that came to mind to say, but immediately she wanted to take it back. The person who had helped make her week so rough, after all, was the person she would not talk to Zuko about.

"I'm sorry," Zuko said, some of the enthusiasm fading from his voice. "That sucks. Did anything in particular happen?"

"Parents are being difficult," Mai said. It wasn't a lie, she told herself in a pathetic attempt at comfort. She curled in on herself and closed her eyes. The darkness was cool and welcoming.

"Shit. Sorry," he said again. There was a slightly awkward pause. Mai knew if it was her turn to say something, but she didn't know what. She wanted to keep her mouth closed for fear of letting something bad slip out. "Did you do anything fun over the weekend?"

_I fucked your sister._

"Studied for my entrance exams. That was pretty much it."

_I kissed her. It was my fault. We went further. You don't want to know how far we went._

"You'll have a lot more free time when they're done, huh," Zuko said. He didn't sound as cheerful anymore. Another thing for Mai to feel horribly guilty about. He deserved someone who could make him happy. He deserved someone who wasn't depressed. He definitely deserved someone who didn't cheat on him.

Why couldn't she have been drunk? At least she'd have something more of an excuse if she had been drunk. As it was, she had nothing.

"Yeah."

The tears started coming. She didn't cry, at least in the sense of sobbing. She just let drops of water run from the corners of her eyes. She couldn't give Zuko any indication of what she was doing. She didn't want to make him ask what was wrong.

"Mai?" He sounded tentative.

"Yes?"

She hadn't cried since that day with Azula in the park. She had been crying a lot lately, comparatively. When she was a child, Mai had learned very quickly that crying would earn her no rewards from her parents. As she'd grown, true sadness had been hard to come by. The overpowering numbness was all she had known for a long, long time, and it did not lend itself easily to tears.

"About last weekend, and what we talked about. I'm sorry if I overreacted or anything. I just...felt kind of attacked, you know?"

"I know. It's not you making me unhappy. You...you're the best thing in my life right now." Damn. She'd said too much and hadn't been able to hold back a sniff. Maybe he wouldn't notice.

"Are you okay?" He sounded alarmed. Of course he'd noticed. He was better at this than she could ever hope to be. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I mean, I didn't—are you okay?"

"I'm okay." With a few deep breaths, Mai thought she could feel her tears flowing. If only it was as difficult for her to feel negative emotions as it was for her to feel positive ones. "It's not your fault." None of this was.

"You know I'm always here for you, right?"

"Yeah." Not this time.

"And you're sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I've just...I'm just, you know..." She initially intended to say "really unhappy," but she couldn't force the words out. She didn't want Zuko to worry any more than he already was. "I think it's just stress about entrance exams. When winter break rolls around, I'll feel better."

"Just two more weeks for you, right? We can spend way more time together then."

"When does your uncle leave?"

"Oh, yeah! I meant to tell you! He's going away this week, so his apartment will be free for a while. You want to go over there next weekend?"

She did. She imagined seeing him again and smiling at him as if nothing had happened, as if she hadn't betrayed him. A whole weekend away from her parents would be incredible. But now that she had crossed the line, even a weekend with Zuko would still be tainted with guilt. She didn't know if it would ever go away. She didn't deserve to spend time with him. She didn't deserve to be happy. She deserved Azula, with her taunts and her cold eyes.

Or maybe she just deserved to be alone.

"Are you still there?" Zuko's voice came through the silence and Mai realized she still had to give him an answer.

"Yeah, sorry. I'd love to see you next weekend. I don't know if I can spend the whole time, though. Still have studying to worry about."

"You can study while you're with me!"

"I don't know. You're pretty distracting."

"Well, keep me updated." Zuko sounded more upbeat again. Mai was glad. He deserved better than her dragging him down.

"Will do."

There was another awkward silence then. Mai knew it was her turn to speak, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything. Sometimes their phone calls lasted hours, but now her mind was positively devoid of anything to say.

It was sad. Zuko was such a large part of her life, and in the past two weeks she had accumulated a vast trove of things she couldn't and wouldn't tell him. She felt more distant from him than she ever had before. The things she had done with Azula hung in the air between them, a secret that clogged up her throat and stopped her from breathing. The worst thing was that she couldn't even hate Azula for it. This time, it was all her fault.

"I should go," she said eventually. "We're going out to a movie." It was the first lie to come to mind. She couldn't stand to listen to his breathing on the other end of the line anymore.

"Okay," he said. "Mai, you know you can always talk to me if you're feeling bad, right? I'm not very good with stuff like that, but for you, I'll try."

"I know," she said. She felt choked up again.

"Okay. Bye. Have fun at the movie."

"I will," she said, but he had already hung up.

* * *

Wednesday was the mildest day Kyoto had seen since October. When lunch rolled around, Mai decided to take her bento and head to the roof to eat. The past few days, she had found the company of other people annoying. Her classmates didn't bother her or ask questions, but Mai felt dirty in their eyes. Had they seen the bruises on her neck? She felt as if her guilt was a physical thing, there for the world to see and know.

Even if it was warmer than usual, there was still a bite to the air. Mai huddled in on herself, wishing she'd brought a more substantial coat.

Barely five minutes into her meal, the door opened and the person Mai couldn't stop thinking about appeared. Azula's face was cold and closed-off as she surveyed the rooftop until she noticed Mai, and then she smiled.

Her hair was down.

Mai wasn't sure what she felt upon seeing the other girl. Shame and guilt were both prominent, but at the same time she remembered what Azula had looked like clothed in that black lingerie. The thoughts made her feel dirtier, and she looked away.

"I suppose I'm eating with you today," Azula said, seating herself next to Mai. Mai tensed and scooted away, putting a good foot of space in between them.

"What's wrong with your classroom?"

"What's wrong with yours?"

"I always eat here."

"Don't lie." Azula unwrapped her lunch. Her smile had faded.

"It's nice out. I don't _like_ talking to people while I eat, anyway."

Azula probably caught the jab, but she ignored it completely. "I see."

"So I take it you and Ty Lee are still fighting, then?"

Something very ugly crossed Azula's face before she wiped her expression neutral again. She stabbed at her food with her chopsticks, the only remaining indication that she was upset. "She's just throwing a tantrum."

"Seems kind of justified." Mai started eating her own lunch, which spared her the necessity of looking at Azula while they spoke.

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Azula said flatly.

"Then enlighten me."

"It's not like we're in a relationship. She's just projecting. _I_ certainly never agreed to monogamy."

"You're kind of despicable, you know?"

Azula set her lunch aside. At first Mai thought Azula might be about to attack her, but then she saw Azula was merely rummaging in her pockets for something. She produced her matchbook and slid it open.

"You can't smoke while I'm here. If we get caught, I'll go down too," Mai said, serious now. Her petty rebellions against her mother were one thing, but if the school thought she'd been smoking, they were likely to expel her.

"Calm down. I'm not an idiot." Azula struck a match and watched it flare. She seemed fixated on the small orange flame, letting it burn almost all the way down the stick before she raised her other hand and put it out with her fingers, as she'd done before. Mai winced and almost looked away, but she forced herself to watch Azula's face instead. She had closed her eyes, and her eyebrows came sharply together before calmness stole across her features and left her looking serene.

Mai felt sick.

"God, don't do that."

Azula tossed the burned-out matchstick away from her. Mai caught a glimpse of her fingertips, bright red and blistering. Her fingerprints were shiny and distorted. Mai remembered the bath they'd shared and the scars she'd seen on the other girl.

"Sorry. I mean, I didn't want you to hurt yourself. I was just saying—"

"I don't care," Azula said indifferently. She surveyed her fingertips briefly and then returned to her lunch. Mai watched her stab over and over again at the food there.

"I thought cigarettes were how you...dealt."

"Yes, that was the idea." Azula's eyes narrowed intensely down at the box on her lap. "Funny how it worked out, isn't it? Now I have more vices than I started with."

Mai cleared her throat, unsure of how to phrase her next question. "Is...sex another coping mechanism?"

"Everything is a coping mechanism. We're all just trying to stay alive. Can you blame me for a little bit of hedonism? Can Ty?"

"Does she know?"

"Who knows?" Azula's shoulders slumped forward, breaking her regal posture for the first time. She looked very tired. Her hair slipped forward on her shoulders, and Mai saw bruises on Azula's neck that matched those on her own.

"So fighting doesn't stop you and Ty Lee from having fun, then?" Mai asked. She attempted a smile, attempted to lighten the mood, but it was difficult to feign enthusiasm.

"What?" Azula snapped. She followed Mai's gaze and craned her neck awkwardly before she realized what Mai was talking about. "Oh—like you can talk."

"I have concealer, if you want some," Mai said.

"I put it on at home. I must have rubbed..." Azula's voice trailed off.

"Here." Mai pulled the small jar from her bag. Azula's skin was a little darker than her own, but the shade would do fine in a pinch.

"Do you have a mirror?"

Mai hesitated. She could feel herself about to do something dangerous, but she made no attempt to stop herself. "No need. I can put it on for you."

Azula sighed impatiently. Mai scooted over, closing the gap between them, and brushed Azula's hair behind her ears. It felt as soft now as it had when Mai had tangled her hands in it, when it had fallen down over her bare neck and shoulders and collarbones.

She dabbed careful fingers into the jar of powder and then onto Azula's neck. They were close enough that she could smell everything on Azula, both the thick cloud of perfume and the darker, acrid scent that lurked beneath it. She could see Azula's eyelashes, low on her cheek, and the color on her lips, and the purplish bruises slowly disappearing under the powder.

Mai could feel her heartbeat in her throat.

She finished covering the hickeys and set the concealer aside, but she didn't move back to her earlier position. She let herself look at Azula's face for just another second, and then she leaned in to kiss her.

Azula's lips were very warm and very soft, but she did not return the kiss. In an instant she had gone stiff, and Mai withdrew, afraid that she'd done something wrong, crossed some unspoken border. Her suspicions were confirmed when she saw the dreadful look in Azula's eyes. Gone was the tired, more vulnerable girl. She was steel again, the girl their schoolmates saw and avoided.

"Not here," Azula said, annunciating every letter. Mai pulled back, leaving a healthy foot of space between them on the bench. She didn't feel like apologizing, though, especially not considering the circumstances of their first kiss.

"Fine."

"If we were caught, the school would tell our parents," Azula said coldly. There was a look on her face Mai hadn't seen before. It was almost alarming. "They might even discipline us. Now you haven't given me much reason to believe you care about your future—" Mai couldn't argue, though she wanted to, "—but I care about mine, and I won't have it ruined because you're an idiot." Her voice was silky.

"Got it." Mai felt slightly cross at being reprimanded like a child, but she couldn't deny the validity of the points Azula raised. For someone who mocked Zuko for wanting to please his father, Azula seemed obsessed with what Ozai thought. Then again, if failing to toe the line meant ostracization from the family, Mai couldn't exactly blame her. "Not here."

They held each other's gaze for several long seconds before the corners of Azula's mouth turned upward and the iron in her eyes dissolved.

"Are you that eager? I suppose we could skip after lunch and go to a love hotel..."

"Shut up," Mai muttered.

"I don't like missing class anyway." _Except to smoke,_ Mai added silently. "You have cram school and I have a tutor after school, so that rules out afternoons. What are you doing this weekend?"

Azula's businesslike tone took Mai aback. Were they scheduling sex now? She shouldn't agree. She should spit in Azula's face and never look back.

"Spending time with my boyfriend." She pushed down the guilt. She was getting better at it.

"Fine. How about Saturday night?"

She could always see Zuko on Sunday. Mai tried not too hard to think about her conscience. She thought instead about how Azula made her feel, about how being in this other girl's presence banished the numbness from her shoulders.

She had called Azula despicable, but she knew that was her. Mai had never imagined herself as a cheater. Until weeks ago, being with Zuko had made her incomparably happy. But now she thought of Azula with a cigarette and the look in her eyes and her fingers inside Mai, and the thought was enough to make her want to sin more.

Zuko deserved someone better than her, anyway. She had already broken his trust once. How much could another time hurt?

_Can you blame me for a little bit of hedonism?_

"It's a date."

"Good." Azula smiled.

It was only when the bell rang and Azula got up to throw away her bento that Mai realized that the other girl had hardly eaten anything at all.

* * *

"I thought your father was really protective, but he lets you spend the night with your friends?"

They were staying in a different hotel for no discernible reason, though this time there was only one room. Mai and Azula sat together on the bed, both plodding away at their distinctive workloads. As usual, there was a cigarette in Azula's fingers as she studied her textbook.

"First of all, just friend, singular. He thinks I'm at Ty Lee's. And it's not exactly a common thing either. And he's not that _protective_. Just...hm."

She turned a page.

"Just what?"

"Nothing."

Mai shrugged and returned to her notebook. She was almost alarmed now by how comfortable she felt in Azula's presence, but after sex, she supposed that made sense.

"Are you going to tell me where you live yet?" Was it really that the house was too big to stay in alone, Mai wondered, or did Azula just like spending the money on hotels?

"Nope." Azula breathed out a cloud of smoke. "So you're seeing my brother tomorrow?"

"...Yes." Mai stiffened. Even if she had resigned herself to this, whatever it was, hearing Azula bring up Zuko put her on edge. She didn't like to think about how blissfully unaware he was that his sister had stolen another thing from him.

"Are you going to fuck him?" Azula's mouth curled around the word, somehow making it seem all the more vulgar. Mai had noticed that she wasn't prone to swearing, which made her rare exceptions all the more notable.

"I don't want to talk about Zuko, okay?"

"I'm just wondering." There was a fervor in Azula's eyes that made Mai uneasy. "I don't suppose he's brave enough to leave marks on you. Do you suck his cock? How small is it?"

"Azula, you're done," Mai said, more coldly. Azula didn't stop.

"Does he cum inside you?"

" _Azula_."

"I'm just curious," she said, though she looked noticeably more annoyed now. "Ty Lee's never slept with anyone else, and there isn't anybody else for me to talk to..."

"I can't believe you want to know that about your brother. That's disgusting." Mai shifted away from her on the bed, a largely useless move that simply made her resemble a petulant child.

"Don't you mean _despicable_?" When Mai failed to respond, Azula sighed and tossed her book aside in favor of leaning in toward Mai until their faces were almost touching. "Fine. I'm _sorry_. Let me make it up to you."

The apology was quite possibly the least sincere Mai had ever heard, but considering who had spoken it, that wasn't surprising. She determinedly kept staring down at her notebook, trying not to notice Azula's breath on her neck.

Of course, she _did_ notice.

Azula's mouth found Mai's ear. Her breath was warm and pleasant there.  "Please?" Her tone was still heavily sarcastic. "Come on. You'll never have me begging like this again..."

Mai valiantly tried to resist for a few more seconds, but she already knew it was a foregone conclusion. She wouldn't be able to get any work done until Azula felt like letting her, and anyway Azula's teeth grazing her earlobe was undeniably arousing.

She threw her notebook onto the nightstand and sighed. "Get on with it."

"Don't act like it's such a chore. This is what you came for, isn't it? And I can see you blushing." Azula's arms carefully wrapped around Mai, one hand slipping under her shirt and the other heading for Mai's skirt. Her mouth moved down onto Mai's neck, eliciting a moan and a shiver.

Mai felt as if she was more sensitive than the last time, or maybe she had fewer reservations. Whatever the reason, she was all too willing to let rational thought go and embrace pleasure, to think about nothing but the girl next to her.

Azula's fingers carefully stroked her through her panties, her touches feather-light and teasing. Mai was writhing, thrusting her hips into Azula's hand, not caring that her underwear was soaking. She wanted to open her mouth and beg Azula to touch her directly, but pride still kept her lips shut.

She had been wet since she'd gotten to the hotel. She had been fantasizing since they'd made the date.

"Can we try something?" Azula murmured, lifting her teeth from the purple bruise she was forming on Mai's neck.

"I—" Mai's thoughts were wholly obsessed with the hand between her legs, which had stopped moving.

"It'll be fun..." Azula said. Her breath tickled.

"Fine. Whatever," Mai said. She was vaguely aware as she said it that this might be a very bad idea, but lust easily drove her reservations away.

Azula slid off the bed, leaving Mai aching and wanting, and went for her bag. Mai heard a clinking sound, and the next thing she knew, Azula was returning to her side carrying a pair of handcuffs.

"What the hell? Why do you have those? Do I even want to know?"

"You really don't," Azula laughed, reaching for one of Mai's wrists. Mai jerked it away. "What? You said we could try it."

"I didn't know you wanted to tie me up! I don't trust you anywhere near enough to do that." Mai held her arms out of reach. Azula sighed.

"You don't have to trust me. Your legs will be free, so you can kick me if I hurt you. Besides, there are rooms all around us and definitely someone to hear if you call for help. I'm not going to _murder_ you. I'm not even going to _hurt_ you. It's just your wrists."

Mai's heart was pounding wildly. She wasn't sure whether she would ever consider doing something like this with Zuko. But she wasn't with Zuko, and this was about the thrill anyway. What was the worst thing that could happen?

"...Fine," she said begrudgingly, and held out her hands.

"Good," Azula said, rewarding her with a kiss on the neck. She took Mai's right arm and carefully pulled it back. Mai felt the handcuff slide onto her wrist, cold and hard, and heard it lock. She tugged, but it seemed Azula had fastened her to the bed. Her other arm was next, and then Mai was, it felt, completely exposed, with her legs able only to push feebly against the sheets.

Azula sat back on the sheets to survey her work and grinned. There was a look in her eyes Mai didn't like much at all. Before she could begin to worry about what it meant, though, Azula had leaned in for a kiss. Her mouth still tasted like cigarettes, but Mai was starting to like it. It was like ash in her mouth, like sin.

It was strange to have her hands immobile behind her when she wanted to wrap them around Azula. It made her feel powerless. She was so engrossed in the kiss, their tongues and lips and teeth colliding, that she didn't notice what Azula's hands had been doing until Mai's shirt fell open. Azula broke the kiss. Mai was left panting and unfulfilled, but Azula's teeth on her collarbone soon made up for the loss. She pushed up Mai's bra and went straight for her breasts, licking a careful circle around Mai's right nipple before taking it into her mouth. Her hand massaged the other. Mai's feet dug into the sheets. She didn't know whether she was swearing aloud or just in her head, and she didn't care. In a desperate search for friction on her clit, she rocked her hips upward to grind against the other girl. Azula rewarded her with a particularly vicious suck.

"Fuck—" Mai's legs strained against the sheets. Her wrists tugged futilely at the handcuffs. She wished her hands were free, wanted nothing more than to pin Azula to her breast, nails scratching her scalp, tangling her hair about her fingers, never letting her come up.

Without warning, Azula's long fingernails were pinching Mai's other nipple. She stretched it, squeezing it between her talons, and it hurt but _God if it wasn't the best thing Mai had ever felt—_

"Shit! _Yes!_ " Mai's lower lip was bleeding from where she'd bitten it countless times to keep from crying out, but this time she couldn't hold her words back.

Azula slid from her nipple with a wet _pop_ and smirked up at Mai. "Masochistic, aren't we?"

Mai was much too embarrassed to respond. She looked away, refusing to humor Azula by meeting her eyes, and was punished when she attacked the other nipple. Her nails bit into the tender flesh of Mai's breasts, pinching, twisting, and scratching without mercy. Mai was certain her nipples had never stood more erect. Her clit was throbbing almost painfully between her thighs. This was shameful, disgusting, and she couldn't get enough.

Much too soon, Azula lifted her head and smiled. "I suppose I'll have to teach you how to properly eat a girl's cunt, then." The words sent a fresh thrill through Mai, who was already imagining Azula's head bobbing between her legs, her tongue sliding inside her...

But Azula didn't move to take Mai's skirt off. Instead she withdrew entirely, getting off the bed and heading for the bathroom. Mai stared after her, perplexed, every inch of her tingling with the desire to be touched again. She heard the sound of running water. When Azula emerged, she was carrying a washcloth and a bar of soap.

"Oh, come on," Mai snapped, though she was sure her cheeks were bright red. "I didn't wash you before I—!"

"We were in the shower, as I recall," Azula said, rejoining her on the bed, "and you didn't know what you were doing."

"This is ridiculous," Mai said. She couldn't really do anything about it, though, as Azula unzipped and slid away her skirt and panties. Mai shifted. For some reason, this felt more uncomfortable, more exposed, than when she and Azula had showered together.

Azula was all business, though, sliding the wet cloth between her legs and rubbing. It was cold. Mai looked away, disliking the sight of watching someone else clean her. She felt Azula's soapy fingers caress her and shuddered. She was tempted to kick Azula in the face just for the hell of it, but she kept her legs down.

The fingers pulled away, the washcloth returned, and when Azula was done she went back to the bathroom. When she finally came back, she used the sheet to dry between Mai's legs. The arousal from earlier was gone, and Mai's primary emotion was irritation, but when Azula leaned up and began kissing her neck again, Mai started feeling it.

"There, nice and clean," Azula whispered, before latching her teeth in and sucking.

"You're a freak," Mai said. Then Azula's mouth made its way to her collarbone, and Mai wasn't interested in speaking anymore.

Azula's fingers stroked the insides of her thighs, so lightly that it tickled. Mai arched her back, struggling to keep her legs on the bed, to resist the urge to wrap them around Azula. The other girl laughed, moving her fingers closer and closer, but just before she reached Mai's pussy, she pulled back. Mai opened her mouth to complain, but then Azula shifted back, and before Mai could speak, Azula's lips were brushing her clit.

Her stomach felt as if it had vanished completely. Mai strained against the handcuffs, her breathing ragged, her legs locking around Azula's head. Azula licked slowly and steadily, caressing Mai's labia with her tongue. She took Mai's clit gently into her mouth and sucked.

"Shit," Mai managed. She was sweating, her bra and shirt sticking unevenly to her skin. Looking down and seeing that face between her legs, all that dark hair, and knowing that Azula was eating her out, was an unbelievable aphrodisiac. If her hands had been free, she'd have tangled them in Azula's hair and forced her face deeper, never let her come up.

Mai, caught up in her fantasies, didn't immediately notice when Azula's tongue left her clit and traveled southward, stopping to tease her slit before continuing on.

"What are you doing?" she panted, suspicious, as Azula's mouth moved farther and farther back, and then it was on her ass, and that was _disgusting_ , and she hadn't ever even done anything back there with Zuko, and was Azula sucking, and _holy shit_ \--

Mai's vision crystallized, stars bursting in front of her eyes. Her head was thrown back, her mouth open. She didn't immediately realize that the low moans were coming from her own mouth. She had never felt anything like that before, and the pleasure was almost enough to override the discomfort. No wonder Azula had washed her off first.

She lifted her hips, forced herself up toward Azula's face. An orgasm was starting to build somewhere in her core. As if she knew, Azula moved her mouth back up, playing with Mai's clit once more.

"Yes—" Mai said. Sweat was rolling off her skin, her legs were trembling, and her wrists would have marks from where the handcuffs dug in, but she didn't care. All she cared about was that Azula kept moving her tongue.

And then, right before she came, Azula pulled away completely.

Mai stared at her, uncomprehending, as Azula sat up. She smirked and wiped her chin, raising an eyebrow at Mai.

Mai pushed her legs against the sheets, tried to rub herself on the bed, but it was useless. There was no friction. With her hands chained, she couldn't finish the job herself. _And Azula knew that_. One look at the smirk and Mai knew that was why the handcuffs had been necessary, just so Azula could bring her to the edge and leave her hanging.

Mai didn't care. Desperation drove out pride.

"Azula! Come on!"

Azula shrugged, looking infuriatingly pleased with herself.

"Fuck you!"

" _That's_ definitely not going to get you what you want."

Mai closed her eyes, took several long, deep breaths, and managed not to scream. "...Please."

Azula leaned down beside her, their skin touching almost, and placed her mouth next to Mai's ear. The closeness was infuriating.

"I don't want to."

"You said this would be fun!"

"For me, yes."

" _Please!_ Come on!"

"Has Zuko ever made you feel like that before?"

Mai felt as if ice was flooding her veins. She didn't want to answer, because she knew her answer was wrong. Zuko never had made her feel like that before. But Zuko had also never made her quite so angry, or left her with a lungful of cigarette smoke, or tied her up and left her hanging.

"I'm waiting." Azula moved her hand between Mai's legs. One finger ran up her dripping cunt, carefully avoiding her clit. Mai tried to thrust, but Azula quickly withdrew. She was still smiling.

" _No, damn you_ ," Mai hissed.

"No, you don't want to answer, or no, he hasn't?"

Mai gritted her teeth and apologized mentally to Zuko, who didn't deserve this, who didn't deserve to have his name slandered in some ritzy hotel while his girlfriend had sex with someone else.

" _No, he hasn't._ "

Azula sighed. "I suppose that'll do."

She leaned down again, and it took only a few licks and nips before Mai came, her back arching, every muscle trembling. Mai thrust her hips upward over and over again, then slumped down onto the sheets, panting. She was content to lie limp as aftershocks of pleasure made their way through her.

Azula stood and stretched, still looking unforgivably cavalier about the whole affair. She glanced over at Mai and smiled.

"Are you going to untie me now?"

"We'll wait a while. If I let you out now, I think you might try to strangle me."

A good point. Mai let herself go slack and lay back against the pillows. She had a lot of things to say, but most of them were insults, and Azula would just laugh. She felt guilty about denying Zuko. It was ridiculous, of course, to think that was the worse offense when she was cheating on him in the first place, but it gnawed at her.

Azula went for a cigarette. Mai watched her put the match out with her bare fingers, and the hair on the back of her neck stood up.

"Does your father know you burn yourself?"

Azula shrugged. She stood by the window and stared out at Kyoto beneath them. "Don't know. He wouldn't care."

"Wouldn't he?" That surprised Mai. Certainly _she_ thought Ozai was an asshole, but wouldn't Azula, the favored child, have a higher opinion of her father? Mai had assumed that Ozai always babied Azula while showing a cold face to her brother; certainly that was what she'd gotten from Zuko's stories.

"Why should he? It's my problem. How long did it take your mother to figure it out? Did you lie to her at first?"

The pleasant afterglow of her orgasm was fading, and this was a much less enjoyable topic of conversation. Mai's arms were starting to ache from being bound. She frowned at the wall opposite her and tried not to think too much about when Michi had found out.

"No." Mai's tone was colder. She remembered her mother's tears. Even now, she resented them. Why the hell would Michi cry? It wasn't her skin. "I told you this, remember? She said it made her feel like a horrible mother." She couldn't entirely keep the spite out of her voice.

"And I said that sounds innocent enough," Azula said. She was still staring out the window, slow clouds of smoke periodically making their way away from her face.

"Yeah, maybe if it was anyone else." Mai didn't know exactly how to explain it, why Michi's words had made her so angry at the time. "It's not like it's her fault. I mean, she's not a great parent, but there's a hell of a lot of other things she should blame herself for first."

"Mm." Azula crossed the room, snuffed her cigarette out in the ashtray, and then leaned over the bed. She fiddled with the cuffs for a few seconds, and first Mai's left hand and then her right hand came free. Mai rubbed the red marks where the metal had dug in.

"Do I get to tie you up now?"

Azula smiled. It was terrifying. "No."

Mai fished her skirt and panties off the floor and carefully pulled them up. Her shirt was still sweaty and sticking to her skin; she'd have to wash it before school on Monday. She would have preferred just to change into her pajamas, but they hadn't even had dinner yet. Her underwear was uncomfortable on the damp mess between her legs, and Mai realized too late she should have washed herself off first.

"Do you want me to...uh, go down on you too?" Mai supposed it was only fair she offered, though it seemed Azula's style to not wait to be asked.

"Not in the mood. This was for you to realize how pathetic Zuko must be at all things, including sex. I don't mind doing the honors."

Mai frowned and looked away. Her notebook sat on the floor, but she ignored it in favor of pulling a novel from her bag. She didn't want to talk to Azula anymore. As for the other girl, she seemed content to lay down on the bed beside Mai, her eyelids fluttering closed. A few minutes later, when Mai glanced over, Azula seemed to be asleep. Her chest moved gently up and down. Even in rest, though, her brow was slightly furrowed.

* * *

"Mai, it's so good to see you!"

Zuko caught her up in a fierce hug and she laughed at his enthusiasm. It had only been two weeks, after all. But he was warm against her, and he smelled good, and just the feeling of his face next to hers made her feel as if she might cry. She was happy there, in that single moment, content not to think about all the things she'd done to Zuko behind his back.

"You too," she said, and pulled back to hold him at arm's length. His hair was getting a little long and out of hand, she noticed. He'd need a cut soon.

"Come on." He pulled her into Iroh's apartment. Despite its small size, it was one of Mai's favorite places, just because of how cozy it was. Plants grew on almost every available surface, and souvenirs from Iroh's trips all over the world lined the shelves. It didn't hurt, also, that Zuko had made tea, and the smell suffused the air.

Mai left her coat by the door, though she was careful to leave her scarf in place. Even though she was wearing a turtleneck, she was terrified that Zuko would see the marks on her neck and know what they meant. She had stopped by a manga cafe to shower again, but she was still worried that he might smell smoke on her. There were so many clues, too many to hide. It was so stupid. When she had started dating Zuko, she had never imagined anything like an affair. She loved Zuko. Why would she cheat on him?

Why indeed.

When she had left Azula at the hotel that morning, Azula had leaned in to kiss her, long and fierce, against the doorframe. When she'd pulled back, her eyes were hard.

_"Say hi to my brother for me."_

Mai didn't hate Azula for this situation anymore. She knew where the blame should fall, and she placed it squarely on her own shoulders.

"When did your uncle leave?" Mai asked. Zuko handed her a cup of tea and she kneeled down next to the low table. The heated blanket was warm against her legs.

"Few days ago. I hope he has a good trip. I don't know what kind of person goes to Iceland in December, but he wanted to see the northern lights." Zuko took a long drink of his tea and fidgeted, one hand playing with his keychain.

"Are you worried about him?"

"Yeah. I mean, a little. He's getting older." Zuko shrugged and tried for a smile that fizzled out halfway through. "He'll keep hanging on, though."

"My mom and Tom-Tom are leaving for Hokkaido this week," Mai said.

"Are you glad? You'll have the house mostly to yourself then."

"Yeah." Having her mother's presence lifted was always a relief, but Mai had learned long ago that just because Michi was gone didn't mean she would feel any better. There were always texts and calls, after all, and it wasn't as if her mother was the only source of stress in her life.

"I can't believe it's almost Christmas." Zuko rubbed his hands together and shook his head. "I've just got one paper to finish up and a test, and then I'll be done. Then I can start thinking about getting presents." He reached one hand out to squeeze her fingers. Mai smiled. She had been doing shopping of her own. Her family hadn't really celebrated Christmas until after Tom-Tom was born, but she would take the excuse to get Zuko a present.

Though now she also had a half-formed idea in the back of her mind of a gift for someone else, ever since she had seen Azula light matches and put them out with the bare and ruined skin of her fingers.

She shifted. This wasn't the time to think about Azula. If she was to keep doing this, she needed to focus on Zuko while she was with Zuko. Guilt wasn't productive, and these intrusive thoughts would do nothing but hurt him too.

"My dad and I are spending the evening together, but I still want to see you on Christmas," she said.

"Of course!" He grinned.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Mai sipped her tea slowly, savoring each mouthful on her tongue. She loved this place. She was comfortable and warm and her favorite person in the world sat across from her. If she could have, she would have suspended time in that moment, never gone home to her parents, never seen Azula again, just sat with Zuko in this small apartment forever.

"It's snowing," he said suddenly, staring behind her out the window. Mai turned. Sure enough, out of the white sky, flakes were swirling down over Kyoto. It was far too warm for them to stick, but it was lovely nonetheless. It made Mai want to be outside to hold out her hand and collect flakes in her palm until they turned to tiny water droplets. She had always loved snow. She envied her mother and Tom-Tom that, for they'd see plenty of it in Hokkaido.

"I love you," she said, and she moved around the table to sit next to him. He wrapped his arm loosely around her waist, she leaned her head against his shoulder, and they sat there, watching the snow fall and sipping their tea.

"You kind of smell like smoke," he said, a while later. Mai's eyes opened wide, and she was glad that he couldn't see her face.

"Asshole next to me on the train," she said. "Sorry."

"It's okay. You still smell good." Zuko nuzzled her neck, making her laugh, and for a second she forgot what she was hiding from him. When she remembered she had to pull away, wondering if there was any subtle way to fix her scarf without his noticing. Before she had the chance, Zuko leaned in closer, and then they were kissing.

She couldn't enjoy it. Warning bells were going off in her head, over and over again. What if he could taste smoke in her mouth? What if something in the way she kissed him told him what she had done? And of course there was the simple fact that kissing Zuko was nothing like kissing Azula, and she couldn't help but compare them.

If Zuko noticed her tension, he didn't show it. He continued to hold her, warm and comforting, and it occurred to Mai how enjoyable she would have found this kiss a month ago.

Azula had destroyed her.

She felt Zuko's hand at the hem of her shirt and knew she couldn't let him go any farther. There was no way they could have sex without him seeing the marks Azula had left on her. There was no way she could enjoy it anymore. She closed her eyes, aware that tears were threatening there.

Mai gently pushed on his chest, and he withdrew his hand. The kiss broke apart. There was no judgment in his eyes, no accusation, but Mai felt horrible nonetheless.

"I'm...not in the mood," she said apologetically.

"You don't have to apologize!" He hugged her again. She focused on not crying. If she breathed slowly and thought of nothing at all, her tears would go away. "I just...I have to ask."

He let her go. She didn't look at him.

"Are you still having a hard time? Is that what this is about?"

He had given her a way out, and she took it.

"I'm sorry."

And there was no more warmth between them, just her half-empty cup of tea and the blanket covering both of them and the snow falling outside the cold window.

* * *

The week before Christmas, Mai found it harder and harder to keep her mind on her lessons. Now there were pleasant thoughts as background noise, the gentle hum of lust that seemed to underscore everything she did anymore. Azula wasn't helping, either—they seemed to pass each other more in the halls now (or perhaps they were simply paying more attention), and Azula would always smile and lick her lips, just slight enough that it might have been a coincidence, for she never met Mai's eyes. Mai would feel her cheeks get warmer as she inevitably imagined Azula's tongue somewhere else instead.

The distractions led to an unusually low score on a science test, which earned Mai a long lecture from her mother. In the past, her mother's scoldings had led Mai to dig her razor blade from its hiding place, but now she didn't feel the urge. Mai felt cocky, on edge, with the knowledge that there were a thousand worse things Michi didn't know about. She stood and endured the lectures and thought of kissing Azula.

After their lunch on Wednesday, Mai had wondered whether they would eat together again. She sat on the roof, waiting, she supposed, but Azula never appeared. On Tuesday, Mai saw Azula leaving the building during lunch. Off for a cigarette, probably.

As Saturday was Christmas Eve, the term ended Friday. Mai was sitting on the roof for lunch. She liked the silence, the lack of other people, even if she had to bring an extra coat.

When the door opened, she hoped and expected it to be Azula, but the girl standing there was Ty Lee.

Mai felt awkward. She had never been the other woman before. What was she supposed to say? Ty Lee seemed nice, after all, and probably didn't deserve any of this. Maybe she and Zuko would make a good pair, Mai thought idly, free of Azula's influence.

"Hi, Mai," Ty Lee said. She seemed uncomfortable too, shifting from foot to foot, and her usual smile was gone. She held out her lunch. "Do you mind if I sit with you?"

"No, it's fine," Mai lied. Ty Lee sat down beside her, the same place Azula had sat, and opened her lunch. Judging from the bright colors and the small rice-sculpted animals within, Ty Lee had made it herself.

"Don't you get cold up here?"

"Not really," Mai said. Then, figuring it was best to simply bite the bullet and get the conversation over with, "Look, I'm sorry."

"For what?" Ty Lee's eyes were wide and curious.

"Uh..." _Shit._

"Oh, sorry, sorry, that was mean." Ty Lee waved a hand as if to clear away her words. "I know. I didn't come to yell at you or anything; don't worry! I like you."

"You...don't even know me." That might have been trying her luck.

"But Azula likes you. That's enough for me." Ty Lee smiled.

Mai was starting to feel worse and worse, but she doubted that was Ty Lee's intention. The girl seemed genuine, open, everything Azula wasn't. It made her wonder how such an unlikely pair had come to be at all.

"I...sorry, but isn't that a reason _not_ to like me?"

Ty Lee shrugged, her smile unfaltering. "Azula's a good judge of character. Besides, you have a really nice aura. And it's not like I blame you for any of this, so don't take it the wrong way!"

"Okay." Mai wasn't sure which thread to follow, so she settled on the easy one. "Aura?"

"I've got synesthesia," Ty Lee said, and then, when Mai frowned, "It's...I'm sure you've heard of it...like when people have different senses crossed? Like when they read, words and letters show up in colors?"

"I guess." It rang faint bells somewhere in Mai's head.

"So people light up in different colors for me like that. Azula's purple! You're a really nice blue."

"That's...weird." Mai tried to imagine it. If it had been anyone else, she might have thought they were lying, but Ty Lee was so open and sincere that it made her hard to doubt. "So people just...look like they have halos, or something?"

"Yeah. All my sisters have it, sort of, but I'm the only one with this kind. Scientists call it personality-color synesthesia, but seeing auras just sounds so much cooler. Like if it was a thousand years ago, I would be a witch doctor, and everybody would come see me to know what their aura was like." Ty Lee was smiling at the thought. Mai was still bemused by the tangent.

"Or they'd kill you for being a witch."

Ty Lee did a double take, looked at Mai, and smiled even wider.

"I see why Azula likes you. That's what she would have said too."

Mai didn't know how she felt about that, so she returned to her lunch. They ate in amiable silence for a few minutes while Mai tried to decide how next to broach the topic of exactly why Ty Lee was sitting with her.

"Sorry. I don't want to beat a dead horse, and we don't have to talk about it if you don't want, but—you really don't have a problem with Azula and I...uh...?"

Ty Lee's smile flickered a little, but it didn't vanish. She didn't look at Mai as she spoke, but out over the roof and the trees and buildings beyond.

"I mean...a little. But I guess it's mostly my fault for assuming we were...I don't know, girlfriends. Azula never said anything like that. I just sort of hoped." Ty Lee looked down at her lunch. Her smile was a little crooked, a little sad.

"You shouldn't blame yourself for that," Mai said. "Why should you have assumed anything else? You're pretty much her only friend, aren't you?"

"No," Ty Lee said at once, then bit her lip. "Maybe. But that's another thing. I—you can't ever tell her I told you this, or I'll _really_ be angry—I worry about her. Do you know...how much do you know?"

Mai didn't know how to respond to that. She glanced around the roof, as if making sure that Azula hadn't somehow materialized since they'd begun the conversation. She lowered her voice just in case, though she did feel slightly ridiculous.

"I know she smokes, and she...burns herself." It was hard to say. The thought occurred to Mai that Ty Lee might have known Azula before she started smoking, might know what the catalyst had been.

"Yeah." Ty Lee wasn't smiling anymore. "I can't stop her. I just try to look after her, you know, but I get really worried. And, like you said, there isn't really anyone else. So...I kind of want to be mad, and it does kind of hurt, but I'm really glad you're there. I'm glad there's someone else now."

Mai didn't know how to respond. She felt something like a deer in the headlights. It felt as if a responsibility was being pushed onto her that she hadn't asked for. Her relationship with Azula wasn't about emotional support. She didn't try to stop Azula when she smoked, or even when she put out matches with her fingertips. And now she was feeling guilty about that, too.

"It isn't like that," she said, somewhat coldly. Ty Lee blinked. "Don't get the wrong impression. We aren't _friends_."

"Oh." Ty Lee's face fell. "Okay."

Another silence followed, more awkward than the last. Mai felt another stab of guilt for taking anything out on Ty Lee, and then irritation followed. She hadn't asked the girl to talk to her. Ty Lee shouldn't have gotten her hopes up, anyway. Azula wasn't a child. She could look after herself. Mai didn't need to feel guilty about that relationship too, not when she had more than enough stored up for Zuko.

"I'll go, then," Ty Lee said finally, holding her empty lunch box and standing. She wasn't smiling anymore. "Thanks for talking to me."

"You too." Mai looked away until she heard the door close behind Ty Lee. When she was alone, she leaned her head back and stared up at the sky and the clouds passing overhead and wished that she hadn't had that conversation, hadn't been handed another thing to think about.

* * *

There wasn't snow, but it didn't matter. It didn't even matter that her nose was numb and her ears were red. It was Christmas, and Zuko's arm was draped around her as they sat together on a park bench, staring at the lights decorating the trees and bushes. Other people wandered past, out for dinner or shopping, but Mai's attention was all for her boyfriend. She felt good, for a change, and she wanted to continue to pay attention to the moment. She wouldn't let it slip away.

Their breaths came out as puffs of steam in the cold air. Mai looked up at the night sky, the moon shining, and gave the universe a silent thanks for her happiness in that instant.

"I'm glad you're here," she said. Her voice came out slightly hoarse. Zuko turned to look at her, surprised. She met his eyes.

"I'm glad too," he said. Then, after a pause, "I love you."

Mai opened her mouth. There was more hesitation than there should have been. She was happy, here and now, with Zuko, but she couldn't help but think of someone else. What would Azula have said if she was sitting there on that park bench, watching the passersby and the lights? Would she have scoffed at them, laughed at how willing people were to celebrate a holiday they didn't even believe in?

"I love you too." She wove her fingers between his and squeezed his hand. He was warm, though he wasn't wearing gloves. She wanted to keep holding on.

"Will your mother still be away for New Years?"

"Yeah, I think so. Father will probably expect me to spend time with him, though." Mai's father was celebrating that evening at a business dinner with many of his colleagues, even after telling her he'd wanted to spend it together. He'd apologized to Mai, but he knew she had Zuko anyway.

"Oh, good. I want to go to a temple with you."

She gave him a sideways glance. "Remember last year?"

He was probably blushing, though she couldn't tell in the darkness. "It won't happen again. That was an accident."

"Sure." Mai laughed to herself and sat back. Zuko had tried to ring the temple's bell, but he'd tripped as he stepped forward and ended up breaking his ankle. They'd spent the rest of the night at a hospital, waiting alongside partiers who had drank too much. It hadn't really mattered that they'd missed out on the bell and watching all the fireworks together. She had been content to sit with him in the waiting room. The place was less important than the person.

"Is your mom mad you didn't go with her to Hokkaido? You've always gone with them before, haven't you?"

"Eh. It wasn't too bad. She's focusing her attention on Tom-Tom now that I've proven I'm not the perfect child." She smiled, though it wasn't really a joke. "She sent me some adorable pictures of him though. Want to see?"

"Of course!"

Mai fished her phone from a pocket and found the text. There was her brother, standing in snow almost as tall as he was and looking ecstatic. The woolen hat on his head and its fluffy pom-pom made Tom-Tom's face look even rounder.

"So he doesn't take after you," Zuko said after looking for a minute. When she shot him a questioning glance, he said, "I mean, he smiles."

"Shut up." She punched him in the shoulder.

"No, really, do you have any childhood pictures of you smiling? 'Cause the ones in your house make it look like you were a statue or a demon kid from a horror movie."

"Keep that up and I won't smile for you anymore," she threatened. Zuko struggled to control his smile, contorting his face into an expression of mock-contrition.

"Wait! I remember, I got something in the mail," he blurted out. From the look on his face, he had been waiting to say it since they'd first met up that evening.

"What?"

Zuko pulled a card, only slightly bent, out of his coat pocket. The envelope was unopened, and it was too dark for Mai to read the return address. "I wanted to open it with you. It's...from my mother."

Mai's eyes widened. She knew what that meant to Zuko. She squeezed his fingers harder and slipped a hand around him as he fumbled with the seal on the envelope.

Mai had never met Ursa. Zuko and Azula's mother had left Ozai when Zuko was only eleven, and as far as Mai knew she hadn't seen them since. She knew Ursa sent cards for Zuko's birthdays and that he kept each one in his desk drawer. Mai didn't think Ursa would be winning any awards for exemplary parenting anytime soon, but Zuko obviously adored her, and his adoration of his mother was not coupled with fear the way his worship of his father was.

"When was the last time you heard from her?"

"A letter a few months back." Zuko pulled out the card, a postcard featuring a mountain covered in snow. It could have been somewhere in Japan or somewhere a thousand miles away. Zuko barely glanced at the picture before turning it over to read. "Ah, too dark."

They stood together, Zuko leading the way over to the nearest lamppost. He held the card under the light and they both read the small, careful words written there.

_Dear Zuko,_

_I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas. I have every faith that you're doing well in your classes, and I hope you aren't overworking yourself. I miss you terribly and will write a longer letter when I'm not as busy—I'm working over the holidays. Enjoy your break. I love you and look to the day when we can see each other again. –Ursa._

Zuko stared down at the card, his smile a little sad. Mai wasn't sure whether it was the reflections of the Christmas lights or if his eyes were really watering. She didn't know what to say. Her parents were emotionally distant and controlling, but she couldn't imagine having a father who inspired terror and a mother whose only communications were through letters and cards.

"I wish I could write her back," he said finally. There were tears glinting in his eyes, Mai saw. She kept holding him, unsure of what else to do, unsure of what she should say. "I just want to see her, to talk. There's so much she doesn't know."

"She never even gave you an address?"

Zuko shook his head. The smile was gone. "She doesn't want Father to find out, I don't think, so she doesn't take any chances."

"She could write you more often, at least."

"She's doing as best she can!" Mai wasn't prepared for the outburst and was startled when it came. Zuko jerked out of her grip. His eyebrows were furrowed, and he stared over her head rather than meeting her eyes. "It's hard for her, okay? I'm lucky she does this much."

"Zuko, I didn't mean to insult her. I'm sure she _is_ doing her best." Especially compared to Ozai, Mai thought grimly. "I just meant...it's hard on you, I know. I wish you could see her too."

"She knows I have Uncle," Zuko said. He stuffed the card back into his pocket. "If I really needed her, she would come back. I know she would."

Mai didn't say anything. She looked at the lights across the park, and the groups of people still walking past them. She had started to feel cold and heavy. She wished she knew what to say to comfort Zuko, could find the right words without hurting him.

"I brought your presents," she said, finally, alighting upon the one thing that might ease the tension. Zuko looked around at her again.

"You didn't have to," he said, and she was relieved to see his forehead smoothed. They made their way back to the bench and sat again. The metal had grown cold in the few minutes they'd been gone.

She reached into her bag and pulled out a box, clumsily wrapped in newspaper, as her family didn't have wrapping paper and she wasn't about to pay to have it done. Her heart beat a little bit faster. She hoped he'd like his gifts. She wanted him to smile again.

Zuko pulled off the paper and crumpled it beside him before pulling off the lid of the box. The larger item caught his eye first. He pulled the stuffed cat out incredulously, and Mai was rewarded with the sight of the edges of his mouth turning up.

"A Grumpy Cat? Seriously?"

"I thought the resemblance was uncanny."

Zuko held the brown-and-white plush next to him and scrunched his own face up, a remarkable approximation of the cat's expression. Mai laughed, and in a second he did too, shaking his head as he did so.

"I don't look that grumpy. I hope."

"It's okay. You're cutest when you're grumpy." Mai leaned in and kissed him, praying that he'd forgotten her earlier transgressions. He kissed her back, and for a few seconds it was a wonderful moment, and then they broke apart and he went fishing in the box again.

Mai had saved up for the second gift for quite a while. She hadn't been able to afford them at Zuko's last birthday, and she refused to ask her parents, so she'd had to wait until the money that came with her own birthday. She waited, on edge, as Zuko pulled the headphones out.

"Holy shit. Mai, how did you afford these?" He held them with an almost reverent awe. "I can't believe it. Are these really--?"

"They're the ones you said you wanted," she said with a shrug, trying to pretend she wasn't delighted to see he was happy. "Don't worry about it."

"Thank you so much," he said, engulfing her in a hug. "You're the best."

"I know," she said. She didn't want him to pull away, or to have to remember that there existed a world outside of this lovely moment.

But it had to end, as all good things do.

 


	4. sweetest words have the bitterest taste

"I can't stay all night. Father wants me home for dinner."

Azula was all business, not even sparing Mai a smile as she entered the room. They'd arrived more or less at the same time, and so Mai was treated to the sight of Azula pulling her long coat off and hanging it on a chair. Her hair swung loose and long over her shoulders. She wore a lacy white shirt underneath and tight, well-fitted pants. Mai wanted to ask whether Azula had dressed up for her, but she didn't. Azula seemed to be distracted. There was a certain unpleasant curl to her lip, a shiftiness in her eyes.

It was the day after Christmas. Mai had texted Azula, asking if they could meet up. She hadn't mentioned the reason for the meeting, which was not sex but rather to give Azula her present. Mai didn't know how to bring it up. She still felt bad for getting Azula a present at all, but she worried, too, about whether Azula would simply laugh at her and throw it out a window.

"How was your day yesterday?" Mai asked. Azula seated herself in one of the hotel room's couches and tapped her fingers against the arm. Her lips were very bright, looking redder than usual, if that was even possible.

"What? Christmas? We don't celebrate it." Azula shrugged. "Kind of pointless. I can always ask for anything I want anyway, or buy it for myself. Your family isn't Christian, are they?"

"No. Just a nice excuse to give Zuko something." Mai leaned against the wall.

"Oh, spent the day with Zuzu, did you?" Azula's lip curled. She crossed her legs and leaned back in the chair. Her eyes weren't on Mai anymore, but more distant, staring across the room. She seemed to be in a bad mood. Mai wondered why she'd even bothered showing up. "How nice for you." She sneered.

Something occurred to Mai. "Did your mother send you a card?"

Azula's head snapped up. Her eyes were wide, unblinking. Her hands formed claws on the arms of the chair. Mai knew immediately that it was a question she shouldn't have asked, but she couldn't take the words back.

" _Why_  would you ask me that?"

"Just curious."

Azula's nostrils flared. " _Don't_ lie to me." Her face was intense, almost terrifyingly so. It reminded Mai of their conversation on the rooftop.

Mai was closer to the door, she knew. She could run if she had to.

"Well, she sent Zuko one."

It was the first time she had ever seen Azula speechless, but it didn't make Mai feel good. Azula looked as if she had just been punched in the stomach. Her lips parted, her eyes narrowed to slits, and her feet slammed down hard on the floor. A few silent seconds later she closed her eyes, making a visible effort to control her features. Her eyebrows remained furrowed.

"She—what?"

A pit had opened in Mai's stomach. She should have never brought it up. It didn't matter that Azula hadn't answered the question; her reaction made it all too clear what her answer was.

"It was just a postcard. It's not anything big. It's not like..."

"Damn her." Azula's mouth curled around the words, making them a thousand times more obscene. She was making expressions Mai had never seen her make before, and with a jolt Mai thought that Azula looked almost as if she was about to cry. "Why did you ask me that? Did Zuko tell you to ask me that?"

"What? No. Zuko doesn't know I'm here."

"Don't lie to me!" Azula repeated. She rose from her chair. She was shorter than Mai, but it did not seem so in that moment. Her eyes were bright, too bright, and anger had distorted her face into a horrible mask. Her lips were still so very red.

"I'm not! I'm sorry I brought it up. Do you want me to go?" Mai would have backed up, but she was already against the wall.

"Fine! Go! Go and laugh with Zuko about how Mommy loves him more than me, about how she left because her daughter was a freak. That's what you want to do, isn't it?" Azula was snarling now. Mai had never seen her like this before.

"Azula, I don't want to laugh at you," Mai said. She held out her hands as if placating a wild animal, a stupid gesture that only made Azula's scowl deepen. "I—I don't do that. Zuko doesn't laugh at you. I didn't want to...hurt you."

Azula's face was still twisted, but some of her immediate anger seemed to fade. She turned her back on Mai and reached into a tight pocket for her matchbook. Mai saw what was coming and caught her arm before she could strike a match.

"Don't touch me," Azula said, the warning clear in her voice.

"If you want to hurt somebody..." Mai took a deep breath and felt as if she was falling. She was about to do something stupid again. "Hurt me."

Light came back to Azula's eyes. The harsh lines of her face smoothed somewhat. She didn't need telling twice. In an instant she had stepped forward and shoved Mai back against the wall with such force that Mai could hardly believe the smaller girl had done it. Her head banged against the plaster, but she had no time to think about the pain before Azula came in for a bruising kiss.

She latched onto Mai's lip and dug her teeth in, tighter and tighter, harder and harder until Mai couldn't help but release a strangled groan of pain from her throat. Azula's teeth broke skin, and then the sweet metallic taste and warmth of blood was flooding Mai's mouth.

Azula pulled back. Her red lips were redder now, giving her the appearance of a vampire. She smiled, but it came nowhere close to her eyes.

"No." She turned her back once more, but this time her hand did not reach for her pocket.

Mai gingerly moved away from the wall. Now her head was pounding and her lip was throbbing, she'd ruined Azula's day, and she probably wasn't going to get laid. She sat down at the edge of the bed and looked at Azula. She might as well try to undo some of the damage she'd done.

"I don't know why I'm surprised," Azula said. She fumbled for a cigarette and lit it with shaking fingers. Mai didn't cough when the cloud of smoke engulfed her. "It makes sense, really. Zuzu always was Mommy's favorite. I just never thought she'd admit it to herself."

Azula seemed to be talking to herself as much as Mai. She leaned back against the sheets and stared up at the ceiling. Mai cautiously stretched out beside her. She reached for Azula's hair and, when the other girl didn't protest, began gently playing with it.

"I haven't heard from her since she left," Azula said almost dreamily. "I told myself I didn't care. And I really thought I didn't...ha. Still too weak for my own good, I suppose." Her tone was matter-of-fact. It sent a shiver down Mai's spine. She wondered where Azula had gotten the words. She wondered how many times she had whispered them to herself as she burned her skin 'til it blistered.

"It's normal. It's not weakness." Azula's hair was very soft between Mai's fingers. She combed through it, made a small braid and then took it out.

"Shut up," Azula said amiably. "Well, he's welcome to stay in touch with her. It's not really my business if my mother doesn't care enough to contact me."

Mai didn't say what she was thinking. She had never met Ursa, was in no place really to judge this family, but it seemed likely that Ursa wouldn't have written to Azula out of fear that Ozai would use the letters to find her. Maybe she had written, and Ozai had simply never given Azula the letters.

But Ursa could have sent Zuko letters to pass on to Azula, or found some other way. If she had tried her hardest, surely she could have found a solution. Some part at the back of Mai's head wondered whether Ursa had written only to one sibling because she had assumed Azula would never find out.

Then Mai had become the unfortunate bridge between the two.

"She's written him before, hasn't she?" Azula's tone was conversational now. The lines of her face were smoothing out. Mai kept moving her hands.

"...Yes." She didn't see much point in lying.

"Of course." Azula closed her eyes and smiled up at the ceiling. For a while there was silence but for the soft rustling as Mai played with her hair. Azula would take the occasional drag on her cigarette, wearing it down to nothing before stubbing it out in the ashtray on the nightstand.

"What's she like?" Mai ventured.

"What is she like...a lot like Zuko, admittedly with less whining."

"Is that why you don't like her?"

"This isn't  _therapy_ ," Azula snapped. Mai quieted. "I don't like her because she doesn't like me. It doesn't matter."

It seemed to matter a great deal, but Azula appeared to have calmed down, so Mai didn't say so. Then she realized that she was feeling things for Azula that she had never wanted to feel, never intended to feel. Pity. Compassion. Her fingers stilled in Azula's hair.

"...I got you a Christmas present," she said, mostly to distract herself. Azula's eyes slid curiously up to look at her. There was an expression, almost of suspicion, on her face.

" _Did_  you?"

This box was small enough that it could fit into Mai's coat pocket. She fished it out and handed it to Azula, who sat up and leaned against the headboard to open it.

"A single cigarette, is it?"

Mai said nothing.

Azula made quick work of the wrapping paper and opened the lid. She took out the object inside and held it up to the light, inspecting it. Mai watched Azula's face, watched her eyes widen.

It was just a lighter, but one that Mai had custom-ordered online. It was royal blue, and inscribed on one side in golden lettering was the first letter of Azula's name. It had cost more than Mai was willing to admit, as had priority shipping, but looking at Azula's face made her think it might have been worth it.

Azula flicked it into life, observing the flame and letting it disappear again, and then turned it over and over in her fingers.

"So you don't keep littering," Mai murmured unnecessarily.

Azula didn't answer. She was still looking at it. Eventually, her lips twitched upward, and Mai saw her smile for the first time that afternoon.

"I can still burn myself with this, you know." She stared a few seconds longer and then slipped the lighter into her pocket and turned to look at Mai.

"I know," Mai said. She returned the smile. Azula leaned forward, and they kissed. Unlike the previous time, unlike many of their other kisses, this was soft, gentle...almost romantic. Mai leaned into it, smelling smoke and fire on Azula's breath and perfume on her skin. They kissed for a very long time, and then Mai moved her head to lick and suck on Azula's earlobe. The other girl twitched. Her fingers dug into Mai's shoulders. Mai leaned down to kiss her neck. She licked a long stripe from Azula's collarbone up to the base of her skull. She could see Azula's pulse fluttering underneath her skin, could see the movement of her throat as she swallowed. She was beautiful.

"Stop that," Azula said. Mai, confused and slightly wounded, came up. Azula's eyebrow was cocked. "You already gave me a present. I get to ravish you in return."

"But I want—"

"Hush." And it was difficult to argue when Azula's mouth latched onto Mai's own neck, when she'd stripped Mai of pants and underwear and had Mai a sweating, writhing mess with every lick to her cunt. Mai forgot all rational arguments quickly enough when she came, when she lay panting in the aftermath. It was only after she'd gotten dressed once more and as they were both gathering their things that she realized they'd gone another tryst without Azula being touched. The lack of reciprocity bothered Mai. It made her feel...selfish.

But at least sex had served to distract Azula from their conversation about Ursa. After they were done, Azula produced a cigarette and flicked her new lighter into life. Mai smiled. Her lip throbbed.

* * *

The rest of winter break was a blur. Even without school to distract her, Mai found that she was livelier than she had been in a long time. Her time was split between siblings. Mai was able to kiss Zuko again while keeping the guilt at bay. They had sex once, just once, but that was harder. Her hickeys had faded enough by then that Zuko didn't notice them, which was a small comfort. It was too easy to draw comparisons between the siblings, and every comparison led Mai to the uncomfortable conclusion that sex with her boyfriend was nowhere near as pleasurable as sex with his sister. If Zuko noticed, he said nothing. Mai was starting to worry that he  _was_  noticing her emotional distance of late.

As for Azula, her father seemed to demand a lot of her time over the holiday, for she and Mai only managed to find the time for two more meetings before the end of break. But even when they weren't together, Azula would text her, and Mai would respond. Azula's texts largely consisted of innuendo, sometimes graphic enough that Mai would flush.

As for Mai...

Mai felt different.

She felt more aware of herself than she ever had before. She looked at her hands and knew they were  _her own_ ; she looked in the mirror and knew the face to be  _hers_. No longer did she feel as if she was simply floating through life, never acting, only being acted upon. She had begun to see the ripples spreading from her presence. She was doing things, making choices, and knew that her actions had consequences now. She didn't know whether it was more like waking from a long dream or living in a dream too hyper-realistic to be reality, but she didn't question it. The weight, at last, was gone.

It was because of Azula, yes, but not only because of her. Azula had given the first kiss, true, but in the hotel room that night, when she'd kissed Azula a second time, Mai had done it of her own volition. Rebellion against her parents had stirred within her and she had acted upon it. For the first time in what seemed almost like her entire life, she had chosen what they would not have chosen for her.

It was not all good. She felt on edge, almost twitchy, possessing more energy than she knew what to do with. And guilt was a constant puddle in her stomach and a blight in the back of her mind, though every day that passed saw her shutting it more effectively away. Mai was a master of suppressing her emotions. It was how she had survived eighteen years with her parents.

But even with the guilt, even while every call and text from Zuko made her feel like a monster, Mai didn't want to go back. She thought of Azula's tongue between her legs and the girl's smirk. She thought of the high, not just sexual, and she thought of how she never needed to hold things back around Azula.

Ever since their last meeting, Mai had realized that her feelings were no longer only lusty. It scared her, a little, when she noticed it, when she caught herself thinking about holding Azula's hand, taking her out for coffee, walking through the streets and talking. It was dangerous. She had to think, then, about how Azula had taken over her, turned hate into lust into love.

Sooner or later she'd have to make a decision. She'd been able to compartmentalize, associate Zuko with romance and Azula with sex, but the boundaries were fading. She couldn't keep cheating on him.

But it wasn't Zuko with whom she spent New Year's Day.

Oh, she'd stayed up late with him, gone to a temple and rang a bell, but when it was morning and she was at her house with nobody but her father for company, Mai's thoughts turned to Azula.

_Can we meet today?_

It was several minutes before Azula returned the text.

_Let me see. ...Yes. I'll get a room._

Mai hesitated before responding.

_I wanted to go out._

_Oh?_ She could imagine Azula's smile, the cocked eyebrow.

_Get coffee or something._

_Well, all right. Meet at the downtown train station?_

_Eleven?_

_Fine._

Mai held her phone to her chest and bit her lip. Her heart was fluttering, a blush spreading across her cheeks. It had been such a long time since she had felt this way. Was this a crush? She wanted to see Azula, spend time with Azula, talk to her and listen to her answers.

Ahh, she was hopeless.

"I'm just going to wander around the city," she told her father come ten thirty. She wound a scarf around her neck and pulled on her woolen coat; even though the sun shone brightly, the thermometer read low.

Her father nodded. "Be home before dinner, all right? Even if your mother's not here, I'll cook us both a feast for New Year's."

"Don't overwork yourself," she said, and she gave him a smile before slipping out the door.

The city was quiet. Most people were surely at home, enjoying the holiday with their families. Mai hoped her mother and Tom-Tom were having a good day up in Hokkaido; she'd have to remember to text them later. But for the time being, it was strange to wander through the normally-bustling city and find it still and peaceful. The train station nearest her house was almost deserted, containing only an elderly man reading a newspaper and a gaggle of confused-looking tourists. The train, too, was peaceful, and Mai had a seat the whole ride to downtown.

Azula wasn't immediately visible, so Mai went wandering through the shops in the station. Unlike her neighborhood, this place was lively, mostly with tourists, and there were swarms of people in the halls. Mai wandered through them like a ghost, largely unnoticed. When she tired of the crowds and the activity, she went outside and seated herself on a bench.

11:10. No texts from Azula.

At quarter-past Mai began to wonder whether her companion was going to show at all. Her stomach was rumbling and her fingers were numb. She was starting to plan an afternoon alone when at last there was a hand on her shoulder and a breath in her ear.

"Sorry I'm late," Azula said, as usual wearing a smirk that rendered her apology insincere. Mai didn't even really care. She stopped the smile of relief from spreading over her face, afraid Azula would mock her for it.

"What kept you?"

"I had to call Father to make sure I could come, and he was in a meeting, so he didn't answer his phone." Azula shrugged, casual as ever.

"He's working? On New Year's?"

"Holidays don't matter. Money does," Azula said. Then she laughed. "No, an emergency came up, and he had to settle something with an investor. We'll still have dinner together, unless he runs really late."

"So you do celebrate something?"

"We also celebrate our birthdays." Azula rolled her eyes. "Just not Christmas. Now come on. Where are we going?"

"We can just walk for a little bit." Mai forgot her numb fingers as she stood. The place didn't matter. The person did. And when she looked at Azula, she felt warm. They started walking down the street, weaving among the crowds of tourists. When Mai found herself jostled, as if by instinct she reached out and grabbed Azula's hand. Azula didn't let go. Their fingers wove together.

"Did you spend last night with your father, at least?" She thought of just Azula and Ozai celebrating the holiday. Did they think of their missing family members? Did Azula get lonely?

She knew Azula would laugh at the question, so she didn't ask it.

"Yes, we stayed up and saw the fireworks." Azula did look more tired than usual, though makeup did a good job of concealing the shadows under her eyes. "I don't really care for them myself."

"Tom-Tom loves fireworks," Mai said, thinking of her little brother. Hopefully he'd gotten to see some up in Hokkaido. The year previous he'd held his fingers out the window and tried to catch the falling sparks, exclaiming in joy. Mai remembered the pictures she had of him playing in the snow. She reached for her phone. "I have pictures—"

"No," Azula said, vaguely mocking, a sneer crossing her face. She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and let people flow around her. "Why would I want to see pictures of your little brother?"

"Well..." Mai couldn't immediately think of an answer besides civility. "He's cute?"

"No," Azula said again. The hand that wasn't holding Mai's slid up to cup Mai's chin. She wasn't wearing gloves, and it was chilly, but her fingers were very warm. Azula leaned forward, as if about to kiss her, even though they were in public. Mai jerked backward, but Azula never got that close. Their faces were still close enough, though, that Mai could feel Azula's breath on her face. " _You're_  cute."

Mai blushed. She couldn't help it. She didn't even know whether it was anger or delight. She wanted to hate Azula for her lack of manners, but her openness was what made Azula so comfortable to be around. Mai didn't have to censor herself, because Azula certainly didn't.

"Show Zuzu the pictures," Azula commanded as she started walking again. "It's  _his_ job to care about anything you want him to."

"I already did." Mai pushed her phone back into her pocket.

"I suppose you spent last night with him?" Azula's fingers squeezed Mai's tighter for an instant. Mai's hand was warm now. Azula never seemed to stop giving off heat.

"Yes. It was lovely."

"I was surprised to get your text, I admit. Does my brother leave you so unsatisfied?"

Mai didn't answer that because she didn't know how.

"So what is this, then, Mai? Are we on a  _date_?" That constant note of sarcasm, of scorn, in Azula's voice became more pronounced. "Have you realized that Zuko can't fulfill you sexually _or_ romantically?"

"Zuko," Mai said through gritted teeth, "deserves better."

Azula glanced toward her companion, no longer smiling. "Zuko doesn't deserve  _anything_. Not you, not Uncle, not Mother."

Mai might have been insulted on her boyfriend's behalf, but remembering Christmas and Ursa's silence toward her daughter made her wonder. Zuko didn't like Azula, but Mai had mostly assumed that Azula viewed Zuko simply with mocking indifference. Now she was starting to wonder if the dislike wasn't mutual.

"Why don't you and him get along?"

"Ugh, you sound like Ty Lee." Azula's nostrils flared. "My brother is an idiot who's never experienced anything remotely difficult but still thinks he deserves the world."

That surprised Mai.

It surprised her a great deal.

"...Your father practically disowned him."

"Yes, because he's an idiot," Azula said. "Common sense could have avoided the outcome, but Zuzu never thinks about anything. And so what if he's been  _practically disowned?_ There's always Uncle to take him under his wing. There's always  _Mother_  to write him letters." Azula's face darkened into a sneer, a very ugly look. She reached for her pocket, seemingly by instinct. "Ah."

"No cigarettes today?" Mai took a step back onto safer ground. She didn't like the look on Azula's face.

"No. I told you. I have to go home soon." Azula pulled something out of her pocket anyway. It sent a thrill through Mai when she saw the blue lighter. Azula flicked it into life, but when she tried to pull her hand away from Mai's, Mai held tight.

"Don't do that."

"What? Do you _care_?" Azula said mockingly. "I can just go home and do it, you know. You don't really make a difference."

It hurt a little to hear, but Mai didn't let go. "Do whatever you want when you're at home, then, as long as I don't have to watch."

"It's so cute how squeamish you are. I'd  _love_  to see you cut your shoulders open."

Mai felt a shiver go down her spine. So even now, Azula still had the capacity to unnerve her. But was it true, she wondered, thinking back to their first night together. She had asked Azula to help her hurt herself, and Azula had refused. Even then, it had almost been like she cared.

"With any luck, you won't have to," Mai said. Her voice showed nothing of her thoughts.

"Don't be boring," Azula said. Their hands stayed together, warmed by each other's heat despite the chill in the air. Mai could feel Azula's nails gently pressing into her skin and thought of how those fingers had been inside her.

Their walking had brought them down the street, carried them away from the train station. Many of the cafes they passed were crowded, but Mai saw one she recognized and headed for it. Only when she was already pulling Azula up the stairs did she realize that she and Zuko had been there on a date before.

Same place, different sibling. God, it was fucked up.

"Have you ever been in a coffee shop before?" Mai asked, the slightest hint of teasing in her voice as she held the door open. Azula gave her a scornful look as she swept past.

"Yes, Mai, I've been in a coffee shop before."

"Just checking."

"You know, in Amsterdam 'coffee shop' is a euphemism for a store selling marijuana," Azula said. She pulled her wallet from her pocket and stared up at the menu board. Mai watched her instead of reading the menu herself.

"You've been to Amsterdam?"

"Unfortunately." Azula reached the counter. "Double espresso. I'm paying for her too."

Mai might have argued, but she knew Azula would probably win any argument, and it wasn't as if she couldn't afford it. She ordered her own coffee without complaint and joined Azula at a table by the window.

"What's unfortunate about Amsterdam?"

Azula's eyes narrowed. "I was quite young when we went."

"Like how young?"

"Like before my dear mother left." Azula seemed to consider it, an expression of contempt hovering around her mouth. She stared out the window instead of at Mai while she spoke. "I don't remember much about that trip, except that  _Mommy_ accidentally wandered into a cannabis shop. And I got lost."

"Lost? How old  _were_  you?"

Azula's brow furrowed. "Seven. Or six. We split up, Father and I to go to a museum and Zuzu and  _her_ to walk the canals. Father went into a shop and told me to stand right outside, I didn't listen, and I ended up in the red light district."

"Oh." Mai didn't know what to say to that, or why such an innocuous recollection seemed to annoy her companion so much. "So you wandered off. Was your dad angry?"

"Oh, yes. When he finally found me, I think I was more scared of what he would say than being lost in the first place."

She was interrupted when a waitress brought over their coffees in two large mugs. Azula drank hers black, taking a large swallow and gasping with relish.

"You like your coffee black?"

"No, it's disgusting," Azula said, her tone devoid of sarcasm even as she went for another drink.

"...Anyway. Did he punish you?"

"What?"

"Your father. After you got lost."

"I don't really remember." Azula shrugged dismissively, though she still looked preoccupied. "I told you, I was only six or so. It doesn't matter. Why are you so interested in this?"

Mai, surprised by the sudden hostile edge in her tone, set down her coffee cup. Her own drink was sweet and milky, bringing a pleasant warmth to her stomach and throat. "I'm just making conversation."

"Why do you always ask so many questions?" Azula's good mood seemed to have been ruined. Her eyes stayed narrow, cold slits.

"I'm interested in you."

"Interested? Fine, Mai. If you're so interested, I'll tell you why I remember Amsterdam. I was lost, wandering down the alleys, and on either side of me were prostitutes smiling behind the windows, trying to get the men passing by to fuck them. I remember because I know I wondered if I would grow up to look like that, be like that, wear lingerie and stand behind glass and smile." She said it casually, but her knuckles were white on the handle of her cup.

"Oh," Mai said. She didn't know what else to say. She remembered Azula, the morning after their first time, wearing black lace and standing in front of the window.

"You aren't as interesting yourself when you're asking questions, you know." Azula leaned forward. "I liked you best handcuffed and begging me for more."

"That's nice." Mai took a sip and pretended she didn't care.

"Why waste the day here? We passed a love hotel. I wouldn't even need an hour to have you screaming and writhing and forgetting that my pathetic brother was ever in between your legs." Azula said it quite conversationally. Mai crossed said legs and ignored the tempting image Azula had planted in her mind in favor of asking a question.

"Is conversation hard for you?"

"Excuse me?" Again, it was like watching a mask peel back. The seductress was gone. Azula sat back in her seat, her eyes hard and searching.

"You  _do_  that. We were talking about Amsterdam, and you were uncomfortable, so you talked about fucking me instead—to distract me." Mai hadn't really realized it herself until that moment, but as soon as she voiced her theory aloud, she convinced herself.

"I was  _bored_. I don't spend time with you, Mai, for the riveting conversation."

"Then why did you accept when I said coffee? When I said I wanted to go out with you? You agreed. You wanted to try. Have you ever even been on a date?"

"Dates are idiotic. They're precursors to sex. We skipped the boring parts." Azula's face was closed off. She took another gulp of her espresso. Mai took a sip in turn.

"Is that really what you think?" Mai thought of her time with Zuko. She thought of laughing and smiling with him, the companionable silences and the warm conversation. Sex was fun, sure, but it wasn't everything. Having Zuko there beside her was more important. It was his companionship that mattered to her, not his body.

"It's true."

"No, it's not. That's why I asked you out." Mai felt her face grow warm when she said it, but she couldn't take the words back.

Azula gave an impatient hand gesture to signal a lack of understanding.

"I know we've already had sex. But I...I sort of wanted more than that. I wanted to know more about you as a person, not as a lover."

She fully expected Azula to laugh, and laugh Azula did, so hard that she had to place her cup hurriedly back in her saucer to avoid black coffee sloshing over the rim. Mai sat patiently, waiting for her to be done, refusing to feel humiliated this time.

"You wanted to know Azula as a person? God, you  _do_ sound like Ty."

"Why is it so hard for you to believe me?" Mai didn't understand. Was it Azula's mother leaving that had done this, that had left her with a lack of trust in others? Was it the failure of her parent's marriage that left her skeptical about love?

"I thought we were alike, Mai," Azula sighed. "I thought you realized how idiotic it all is. But you're stupid too, I see."

"Azula, you've never even been on a date before," Mai said calmly. She took a long drink, nearly emptying her cup. "This jaded cynicism doesn't work when you have no idea what you're talking about."

Azula was glaring. It was a warning sign, Mai knew, but she didn't stop.

"I think you're scared. It's easier to dismiss romance as useless than to open yourself up to that level of trust with someone, right?"

"Mai," Azula said, her voice soft and silky, " _you_  have no idea what you're talking about."

"Then tell me why I'm wrong."

They locked eyes. Tense seconds ticked by and turned into minutes. Mai's heart was beating faster than usual. She didn't know whether she was afraid or excited and didn't want to guess. She felt as if she were closer to grasping Azula, the _real_ Azula, than she ever had been before.

Azula drained her coffee cup and smiled like a wolf.

"The hotel."

"...All right," Mai said. Her heart slowed little by little. They left their dishes sitting on the table by the window as they left the cafe behind them. And the edge, the tension, remained left behind too, both of them backing down from an invisible cliff. Mai still wanted an answer, but she could feel that she had come too close, pushed too far.

Azula had been right about the love hotel. It was discreet, and Mai couldn't help but wonder how Azula had noticed. Had she been on the lookout for one?

It was Mai's first time in one of these establishments, and she couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed as she followed Azula into the dim lobby. Azula moved with confidence to one of the illuminated screens and selected a room for them. A few seconds later they were in the elevator, and then Azula was leading the way to their room on the top floor.

It was dimly lit, but otherwise fairly unremarkable. Mai had barely set her bag down and was still looking around when Azula set upon her. Mai let herself be pushed against a wall face-first, Azula's smaller body pressing against her from behind. Azula's breath came hot and hard against her neck, sending shivers down Mai's spine. She felt fingers slipping underneath her waistband and into her panties. Mai's own breath sped up. She was content to let Azula do as she liked. Mai let her eyes flutter closed, only to open them wide again when she felt Azula's other hand in her shirt, roughly pulling at her nipples. Azula's nails stung. She wasn't bothering with gentleness today.

"Admit it," Azula hissed. "This is all you really want, isn't it? You  _whore_."

Mai might have laughed, might have objected, but being called such by Azula was so unbelievably hot that it was all she could do to press herself into the wall and arch her back into Azula's touch. Azula's fingers penetrated her, the way made easier as Mai was already soaking wet, and began moving.

Azula was knuckle-deep inside Mai when a sound caused both of them to jump. Mai recognized her ringtone and reached for her pocket, but Azula was there first.

"It's Zuko," she said, laughter evident in her voice. She dangled the phone over Mai's shoulder. "Are you going to answer it?"

"No way," Mai said incredulously.

"Oh. In that case, I will." Azula moved it out of sight. "I'm sure he'll be fascinated to know what I'm doing."

Mai heard a beep and panicked. Her hands flailed wildly behind her, and in a lucky grab she managed to find Azula's wrist. She snatched the phone and held it to her mouth.

"H...Hello?"

"Mai?"

Azula's now-free hand slid back to Mai's breasts. She resumed the assault, her mouth making its way along Mai's shoulder. Mai spoke again, trying to sound as if she wasn't currently being fucked against a wall by Zuko's sister.

"What is it?"

"I was just calling to see if you were having a good first day of the new year. Did you get any sleep? I took a nap all morning."

"I—what? I—yes, I slept."

"Slept  _with_  someone," Azula murmured. Mai could feel her smile.

"...Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Sorry. You woke me up." Azula had fit four fingers inside of Mai and was rubbing her clit with her thumb. Mai bit down on her own arm to keep from crying out. She'd get Azula for this.

"Oh, sorry!" Zuko sounded apologetic. "If this is a bad time..."

"I'll call you later, okay? Bye!" Mai hung up and dropped her phone. It slid away on the floor, and Mai was free to moan aloud. Yes, she'd get Azula for this, but it wouldn't hurt to finish what they'd started first—

As if on cue, an unfamiliar ringtone started. Azula froze. Mai twisted her neck, but she couldn't see much of Azula's face. Azula pulled her hand out of Mai with a disgusting squelching noise, leaving Mai free to turn around.

Azula was white and wide-eyed as she reached for her own phone. Mai felt her clit still throbbing, but Azula's apparent fear was enough to distract her; she had never seen the other girl like this before. The room was silent except for Mai panting as Azula answered.

"Father?"

Mai felt the cold then too.

"Yes, I—you said—I know, but—I'm sorry." Azula spoke in a tone quite different from the one she used with Mai. The change was stark, disturbing. "Yes, Ty's here. What? I can't, she's in the bathroom. No. No!" Azula lifted her fingers to her mouth and licked them absently. Mai watched with distaste. "Yes, I'll be home right away. I'm sorry."

She hung up. Her expression of startled worry was gone, replaced with a forced smile. She pushed her phone back into her pocket.

"Well, my apologies, but Father's lonely. We'll have to continue this some other time." Azula disappeared into the bathroom to wash her hands, and Mai stared after her.

What sort of a person was Ozai, she wondered, that he inspired such reactions in both his children? Now she hated him not just for the awe and reverence Zuko showed him but also for the terror she had just seen on Azula's face. Mai wished she could have heard the other side of the conversation, could have an inkling of what had so frightened her cold lover.

"You have the room for another forty-five minutes or so, if you want to finish the job yourself," Azula said, emerging from the bathroom. "Enjoy." And then she was gone, slamming the door behind her, leaving Mai alone with her cunt dripping but arousal nowhere to be found.

She washed herself off slowly, feeling lethargic, and then lay on the bed. Tiredness was gripping her. She told herself it was just the late night. Mai wondered how many couples had used this bed before her. She stared up at the ceiling.

The insistent image of a little girl lost in the streets of an unfamiliar city and staring at nearly-naked women through glass refused to leave her mind.

* * *

January went on. A week after the New Year, school was in session again, and now Mai's hours were even busier than they had been before the break. Entrance exams were fast approaching, and everybody from her teachers to her parents was pushing her to spend every waking minute studying.

Michi and Tom-Tom returned from Hokkaido, bringing cold temperatures with them. Tom-Tom babbled excitedly to his sister about playing in the snow. Michi asked Mai, with a certain coldness evident in her voice, how her own vacation had been. Mai thought back to the days she spent with Azula and Zuko, thought of giving Azula her lighter and Zuko his presents, and of her abbreviated date, and it wasn't a lie for once when she said "good."

School wasn't as dull as it had been before. Mai continued to eat her lunches on the roof. She was surprised when Ty Lee joined her. The younger girl seemed to have forgiven Mai for her previous rudeness, or she was willing to overlook it. Mai didn't really care about the reason. Ty Lee made surprisingly good company. And on the days when Azula didn't feel the need to sneak off for a cigarette, she would join them.

The Friday before the national entrance examination was one such day. The trio sat together on the roof, even in the chill of winter. Azula was eating today, Mai noticed, though she still eyed each bite with distaste before swallowing it.

"Good luck tomorrow!" Ty Lee chirped, wrapping her arms around Mai. Hugs were a common thing with Ty Lee, a plague not even Azula could escape. "You're super smart, so I'm sure you'll do fine."

"Of course she will," Azula drawled. "The examination can't be that hard. If Zuko managed to get a decent score on it, anybody could."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." In truth, Mai wasn't really nervous. Test anxiety had never been a problem for her. She'd been doing little else but prepare, and she thought she knew the material. Zuko had been eager to tell her what he recalled of the exam. She remembered long Sundays in Iroh's apartment, Iroh giving them cup after cup of tea while Zuko helped her study. Of course, that had been before all this, before guilt and a secret had precluded such happy meetings.

"Do you want to hang out on Sunday, Azula? There's a new mochi shop that's pretty close to your house that I want to try," Ty Lee said.

"You know where she lives?" Mai said it without thinking. Ty Lee had, after all, known Azula a lot longer than she had.

"Of course!" Ty looked taken aback. "It's just—"

"That's enough," Azula said smoothly, and Ty Lee stopped at once. Mai couldn't help but feel irritated. She had no idea why Azula was so averse to the idea of telling Mai her address. Was she afraid Mai would show up unannounced? "I can't, I'm afraid. Father thinks I've been spending too much time away from the house of late."

Mai felt guilty. It was probably her fault.

"Aww...another time. Maybe when Mai can come," Ty Lee said.

Mai attempted a smile. It was a little weird having people around. She had isolated herself for so long that interacting with her peers made her feel younger. She remembered when her parents would have their friends over, and she would be forced to play with their children. Making friends had never exactly been a priority for her. Was that what Azula and Ty Lee were?

Well...with Azula, at least, friend wasn't the right word.

"You don't even do clubs. How are you out of the house that much?" Mai said.

"I'm not. But with Father, any little bit is too much." Azula shrugged and leaned back. Mai waited for her to accentuate her sentence by blowing out a lungful of smoke before she remembered where they were. Was it hard for Azula, she wondered, to control her desire for a cigarette in class and at home? What did addiction even feel like?

"We should have a sleepover soon. Maybe at Mai's house!" Ty Lee suggested brightly. Mai raised her eyebrows. She wasn't sure how to interpret that statement when it was coming from Ty. Maybe she'd just been spending too much time with Azula, but it made her wonder. She looked at how Ty Lee sat flush next to Azula, their skin touching, and wondered what they did when they were alone.

"Why are you staring?" Azula asked.

"No reason," Mai said, looking away and trying not to think too much about the images she'd just conjured up. Still, she couldn't help but imagine what it would be like with three...

"I doubt Father would let me spend the night with Mai anyway," Azula said. "He'd have a lot of questions about why I was bothering spending time with Zuko's girlfriend."

"Are you still together?" It was Ty Lee's turn to raise her eyebrows. Mai blushed again, but this time for an entirely different reason. "Oh—I'm sorry. I didn't mean...I just thought..."

"Yes, we're still together," Mai said sharply. She knew Ty Lee didn't deserve to be snapped at. God knew she was the most innocent of the three of them in this convoluted mess. But being reminded of her wrongdoing opened a gnawing hole in her stomach.

"Sorry," Ty Lee said again. She stared down at her feet. Mai didn't feel bad for making her feel bad, though. She was already carrying enough guilt around on her shoulders.

"Don't be boring, Ty Lee," Azula said. There was a faint smirk on her face as she watched the two of them interact. "Unless you'd like to criticize me, too?"

"Of course not." Ty Lee crossed her arms and kicked out her legs. Mai wondered what color her aura was now. "I was just wondering."

"Yes, it's a mystery as to why anyone wouldn't break up with my brother," Azula sighed. She stretched out her arms in front of her and yawned. Mai felt cross. She was tired of Azula's endless insults about Zuko. What had he done to deserve them, really?

Gotten a letter from their mother when Azula hadn't. But then, that had really been Mai's fault. She had been the one who had told Azula what she was missing out on. She had become the link between the two estranged siblings, gotten caught up in their twisted family's twisted games while poor Zuko was none the wiser.

"You don't waste any chance to insult him, do you?" Mai said, finally, quietly.

Azula's eyes narrowed. "No. I don't. Not until you're done with him once and for all."

* * *

As Azula had predicted, the exam wasn't too bad. The worst of it was how long it was, sitting for hours bent over a table while dozens of other students worked around her. Saturday was bad enough, but by the end of the test period on Sunday, Mai was ready to overturn a table or throw her test out the window. It was with great relief that she finally wrote her last answer. She was done, for better or for worse. She supposed the worst thing that could happen would be scoring so badly that her parents insist she wait a year and retake them, but she wasn't going to think about that. There was no need to worry at all for a little while at least.

Zuko was waiting outside when she emerged from the testing building. He caught her up in his arms and hugged her.

"You're done! How'd it go?"

"I think I failed horribly," Mai said gravely. Zuko looked taken aback, the smile sliding from his face, before Mai winked.

"You can always live with me if your parents kick you out."

"I'm not sure I trust you to be the breadwinner," she said. They held hands and walked together. It was a blustery day, the wind blowing into their faces, but Mai didn't care. She felt as if a weight had been lifted. The entrance exams had been her goal for so long that she had no idea what she would do now. Her parents couldn't begin choosing a school until she got her results back, after all.

"So you did okay then?"

"Yeah, it went fine." Mai squeezed his hand and wished she'd brought her gloves. Zuko wasn't as warm as his sister. "I'd be mad if it didn't after all the studying I've been doing."

"I'm sure all those times I quizzed you made all the difference," Zuko said.

"I was thinking about that the other day, actually. Is your uncle back from Iceland yet?"

"He gets back this week. It'll be good to see him." Zuko shook his head. "It's been frigid the whole time he's been there. It was negative five degrees yesterday. I just hope he still has all his fingers."

"How'd you know the temperature in Iceland yesterday?" A suspicion occurred to Mai and she couldn't help but smile. "Have you been checking the weather on your phone?"

"I worry about him!" Zuko said defensively. His cheeks were pink, but Mai didn't know whether that was embarrassment or the cold air.

"I know. It's cute." She kissed him on the cheek, but was interrupted by a buzzing from her pocket. She fished out her phone.

_Congratulations. Less time for studying, more time for romance._

It was Azula, of course.

"Who's texting you?" Zuko leaned over her shoulder.

"Nobody," Mai said automatically. She stuffed her phone back into her pocket with such force that she nearly ripped a hole in her coat.

"Nobody?" Zuko frowned. "What, is it your mom?"

"Uh, yeah." A lump started forming in her throat. She hated lying to Zuko. Lying by omission was bad enough.

"No, you would have told me if it was your mom." Zuko was looking at her like he'd never looked at her before. Mai wanted to disappear. "Mai, come on. Who was it? Why don't you want me to know? Is everything okay?"

"It's fine," she said. Her mind scrambled to find a plausible lie, but she didn't want to say anything. She didn't want to lie to him. She hated that it had become necessary. "It's really nothing."

"...If you say so," he said. They kept walking, but now there was distance between them even as they held hands. There was a wall there that Mai had built. She had done this, had come between them with secrets and lies and an affair. She had singlehandedly ruined the best thing in her life.

"Are you okay?" Zuko said finally. He sounded frustrated. Mai wished she could blame him. "I feel like lately you've been...I didn't do something, did I? I'm really sorry if I did. I just want to talk about it. Please, can we talk about it?"

"It's  _not_  you, Zuko," she said. "It's never been you. It's me, and I'm so sorry I've been off lately. I love you."

"But can we talk about it? Come on, Mai. We always used to talk!"

"...I don't  _want_  to talk about it," she said, after a pause, and she turned her head away so he couldn't see that her eyes were watering.


	5. don't think about the consequences

The guillotine fell the week after Mai's entrance exams. On Wednesday, Azula wasn't in class, and she wasn't responding to any texts. Mai didn't know enough about her habits to worry, but Ty Lee seemed to be on edge. Then, on Thursday, Azula returned, looking the same as ever. The three of them sat on the roof for lunch as usual.

"Where were you yesterday?" Mai asked. Azula didn't bother looking up.

"At home."

"Why?"

"It's none of your business," she said, punctuating her words with a smile. "Must you be so nosy, Mai? You aren't my keeper."

"I was just curious," Mai said. Despite the smile, she thought Azula was in a bad mood. There was something in her tone, something in the set of her face. The shadows under her eyes were more pronounced than usual.

"We're so glad you're back!" Ty Lee said, and in her exuberance she threw her arms around Azula for a hug. Time seemed to pause for a moment, and then Azula let out a grunt of pain. She pushed Ty Lee away from her and stumbled backward, one hand clutching her side.

" _Ty Lee_!"

"I—I—" Ty glanced back and forth between Mai and Azula, looking horrified. Mai shook her head; she had no more idea than Ty as to what had just happened. "I'm sorry, Azula!"

"This is why you shouldn't go around hugging people, Ty Lee," Azula said through gritted teeth. She lowered herself back onto the bench where they sat, one hand still hovering protectively over her ribs. "You never think of the consequences."

"What's wrong?" Mai leaned forward to get a closer look. Azula rolled her eyes, looking exasperated, and pulled up her shirt. Ty Lee gasped audibly, and even Mai was surprised. A dark purple-brown smudge large as a fist covered Azula's side. Mai supposed Ty Lee had pressed down on it when she'd hugged Azula.

Azula dropped her shirt, still looking annoyed. "I broke a rib, all right? That's why I wasn't at school yesterday."

"Why didn't you just tell us that?" Mai asked.

"Because it's not important. Ugh, Ty Lee, stop looking like that. It hardly even hurts unless someone rams their hand right into it."

"Sorry," Ty said again, looking almost tearful as she stared at the now-covered bruise.

"How'd you break a rib?" Mai would have expected Ty Lee, being the athlete, to be the one to end up with such an injury. It didn't seem at all like Azula, who was always so graceful, to have fallen down and hurt herself.

"Coughing," Azula muttered.

"What?"

"Coughing," she said more audibly. "Happy?"

Mai blinked. Could coughing break a rib? She didn't know enough to say. But since Azula was a smoker, perhaps she coughed harder, longer, than other people. "Did it hurt? How did you know? Could you, like, feel it snap?"

"If you're so curious, why don't I break your rib and you can know exactly how it feels?" Azula didn't even smile, and that was what took Mai by surprise. Usually when Azula said such things, there was a smirk, something playful in her voice, to indicate that she wasn't completely serious. But now there was nothing. Her voice was as cold as the air, her face stony.

"Sorry," Mai muttered, as if it was her fault Azula was in a shitty mood.

"Should you be in school?" Ty Lee asked. "What if something happens?"

"Like someone hugs me without warning?" Ty Lee flinched a little at that, looking more apologetic than ever. Mai wanted to tell Azula to let it go, but given the other girl's mood she'd probably just end up getting her own head ripped off. "Well, the best cure modern medicine can give me is  _time_. Can't exactly put a cast around my whole torso."

"How long?" Mai asked.

"A month, give or take." Azula sighed and then visibly winced. "I'm on painkillers, but I can still feel it when I breathe."

"How did your father react?"

"What?"

"...When you cracked your rib. He doesn't know you smoke, so how did you explain it?"

Azula shrugged, looking as if it was a pointless question. Her lunch sat untouched in front of her, completely forgotten. "I just told him I was coughing. He was too busy to ask too many questions, so he just had the driver take me to the doctor."

"He didn't even go with you? What an ass—" Mai cut herself off and looked away, before she remembered that she was in the company of the sibling who almost seemed to mind less when she insulted Ozai.

"What would he have done? It would have been a waste of time. It isn't as if his being there would have made the doctors work faster."

"It's called emotional support," Mai said, a definite edge to her tone. She wasn't even angry at Azula, but the image of Ozai sitting at home, doing whatever he did, while his daughter went to the emergency room, incensed her.

"Oh, you would know all about that, wouldn't you, Mai?" Azula met her gaze head-on. It was like having a staring contest with the sun. "After all, your parents are  _always_  there when you need them."

"If you needed someone, you could have always called me," Ty Lee broke in. "You're more important than school."

"I didn't need anyone, Ty Lee. That's the point. My rib is not as big of a deal as the two of you are making it out to be." Azula frowned and finally directed her attention on to her lunch. Mai was quiet, still distracted, thinking about Ozai and Azula at the hospital alone. She was wondering whether her parents would even bother taking her. Was Ozai really that much worse than they were? Was it only her lack of proximity to Zuko and Azula's father that allowed her to view him the way she did?

Those thoughts made her uneasy. She tuned back into the conversation. Ty Lee and Azula were discussing a test that Azula had apparently missed the previous day. Mai listened for a few minutes, her mind only half-focused on what they were saying.

"Is your father still being protective about letting you go out?" Ty Lee asked eventually, and Mai returned fully to the conversation.

"A bit," Azula said. "Maybe more after this."

"Well, if he won't let you go out, could we do something at your house? I've been over there before and he didn't seem to mind."

Azula glanced over at Mai. "That's probably not the best idea."

It was a very small thing, but Mai had had enough. "Why are you so against the idea of me seeing your house? You won't even give me the address. What do you think I'm going to do, come over unannounced? Seriously, what is it?"

Azula looked annoyed. "If you wanted to know that badly, you realize you could always just ask your boyfriend, right?"

"I—oh." Mai wanted to slap herself. She'd never even thought of that. Of course; Zuko had used to _live_  there, for God's sake.

But Azula wasn't done. "Fine. You really want to know, Mai? If it's such a big deal to you? You can come over. I'll play the gracious hostess, and I'll show you around just like you've always wanted. Would that make you happy?"

"Uh," Mai started, taken aback by the venom in Azula's tone.

"How about Saturday? Would that work for you, Mai? I'd hate to inconvenience you, after all," Azula's eyes were burning into Mai's as if she was trying to sear a hole straight through Mai's skull. It was disconcerting. Mai attempted to lean back without being too obvious.

"It's fine. It's obvious you don't really want me over, so..."

"No, I insist," Azula's words had a hard edge now. "Are you free? We can go home from school together."

Well, if Azula was offering...

Mai shrugged. "Okay."

Azula turned the other way. "Ty Lee?"

"I can't Saturday," Ty Lee said, looking disappointed. "Ty Lin has a piano recital."

"Too bad," Azula said, though she didn't sound as if she really cared.

Still, Mai couldn't shake her unease entirely. Azula continued to be moody and bad-tempered as lunch went on, such that their conversation was abbreviated and unpleasant. When at last the bell rang, Mai was relieved to say goodbye to Azula and Ty Lee and to head back to her own classroom.

It was only later in the day, while she was copying down notes from the board, that something occurred to Mai. She sat near the back of her class, so it was relatively easy to pull out her phone without catching the teacher's attention.

A quick search online told her that, yes, it was possible to break a rib by coughing, though it wasn't too common. But Mai found no answer to her second question, even after scanning various medical pages. If Azula had broken her rib from within, would it make sense that there was bruising on the outside? There were no conclusive results. Yet page after page reminded her that blunt trauma was the most common cause of a rib fracture.

Mai didn't want to think too hard about it. She was scared to consider her suspicions. One small question left unanswered wasn't definitive proof of anything. But she remembered Azula's initial reluctance to tell them why she'd been absent. Was it just Azula playing games, as was her wont? Or was there something else there?

Her worries stayed in the back of her mind as they day went on. They sat, congealed and hard to digest, in her stomach, even when she told herself that she was being stupid.

The idea of texting Zuko occurred to her, but what she wanted to ask him would definitely not be conveyed well in text. She decided to call, and it was with impatience that she waited for the school day to end.

Even when she was home, it took a while for her to work up the courage. She knew Zuko would ask her why she was asking, and try as she might she couldn't come up with an explanation that didn't let Azula's name slip. All she could do was pray he didn't ask too many questions. Just another secret she'd keep from him. Just something else she'd have to beg forgiveness for later.

He didn't pick up right away, and when he did, he didn't sound too enthusiastic. She didn't know whether to hope that he just wasn't that excited to hear from her, or whether he was having a bad day that she was about to make worse.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me." Mai tried not to sound too apprehensive.

"Hey. What's up?"

"...I know this is coming out of nowhere, and I'm really sorry to ask you this, but I have to know if your father ever hit you."

There was a very awkward pause. Mai was fervently glad that she hadn't chosen to do this in person; at least she didn't have to see the look on his face. The silence stretched long and thin until she wanted nothing more than to hang up and hide forever.

"Uh...why are you asking me that?" He didn't sound so much offended or defensive as completely bewildered.

"No reason," Mai said, and then she wanted to kick herself for being such an idiot.

"Okay, even I can tell that was a lie," Zuko said. Annoyance was beginning to color his voice now. Mai closed her eyes. She couldn't tell him that she was worried about Azula. She couldn't mention Azula at all. Mai refused to admit to him even that she had committed the betrayal of becoming friends with Azula. It would hurt him.

"Fine, there's a reason. I just can't tell you." That sounded even worse. Mai wouldn't have been surprised if he just hung up, but mercifully he stayed on the line.

"What the hell? Mai, you can't just ask me something like that and then not even tell me why. What's up with you? You've been so weird lately. If there's something going on, just tell me! We can talk about it!" She could hear his anger clearly. It made her want to disappear.

She could just say that she had passed Azula in the hallway and seen a bruise. But no, even that would be dangerous. She didn't want to skirt the truth like that. An outright refusal to tell him was better than a lie.

"Zuko, please, just answer the question."

"Not until you tell me why the fuck you called me out of nowhere to ask about my childhood!"

"Not your childhood, exactly..."

"Give me a fucking reason or I'm hanging up right now."

She swallowed. There was silence again, and then she heard a click on the other end.

* * *

Mai's spirits were still low by the time Saturday rolled around. She'd never had a fight like this with Zuko before. They hadn't spoken since the fateful phone call. She'd texted him an apology and he'd only replied with "OK." On the Azula front, too, things weren't looking too good. Azula's irritable mood kept up all week, making Mai wonder whether she'd only be bearable again when her rib finally healed.

But even with Azula in a bad mood, their plans for Saturday afternoon remained in place. After school was done and Mai had finished helping clean the classroom, she met Azula downstairs in the shoe room. Ty Lee was there too, smiling brightly as usual.

"I'll walk as far as the station with you," she said, and they were off.

"Do you usually ride the train home, Azula?" Mai asked.

"Yes, unless Father wants me to be driven for some reason."

That surprised Mai, who had imagined Azula being chauffeured everywhere. "Why? Don't you have your own driver?"

"Traffic is horrible," Azula said, waving a hand dismissively. "And it's not as if I enjoy constantly being watched over. You can relate, can't you?"

Mai could.

They had an abbreviated lunch at the station, and then Mai and Azula bid farewell to Ty Lee as she ran to catch her train. To Mai's surprise, Azula boarded the same train she would have. Did Azula live near her? Was that why she hadn't wanted to talk about it?

"Is your father going to be home?" Mai had been worrying about that.

"No. He's down in Tokyo for the weekend."

Mai didn't ask her second question, which was whether Azula had only invited her over because she knew that Ozai wouldn't be home.

Azula didn't live too close to Mai, it turned out, but their neighborhoods were adjacent. This was an older, quieter part of Kyoto, something that became evident as soon as they'd exited the train station. The houses, similar to Mai's neighborhood, stood distinct from one another. Most were old mansions that had probably been standing for a hundred years, but there were a few modern houses, a few that stood out for their Western construction. There were trees everywhere, lining the streets, such that the sound of wind and leaves actually drowned out the sound of traffic. It might have been peaceful, but in truth Mai just found it kind of creepy. She liked the sounds of the city. They helped her feel marginally less alone. In this world, full of green shade and high fences and secrecy, she and Azula might have been the only two living beings.

At last Azula turned off the road. The house they were approaching was as massive as its neighbors, Japanese-style, with a tiled roof and many windows. There was the sound of water coming from the garden. Mai recognized the silver car parked in the driveway as the one she'd seen back at dinner in November and wondered how Ozai had gotten to Tokyo.

She wasn't really done looking around, but Azula led the way inside without bothering to check whether Mai was ready or not.

They removed their shoes in the entryway and continued through. The house itself was very quiet, but unlike the street, it was a tangible silence pressing down on them. Even her feet made little sound against the floor.

"Welcome home, young mistress." A woman who might have been fifty or sixty emerged from a room on the left, which Mai supposed was the kitchen. She bowed to Azula and turned her attention on to Mai. "Who's your friend?"

"I'm Ma—"

"It's not important," Azula snapped. "We'll be in my room. She's staying for dinner."

"Of course. What would you like to eat?" the woman asked Mai, who felt horribly awkward. She wished Azula wouldn't be so rude.

"I'm fine with anything, really. I'm sure it will be delicious." She attempted a smile, but then Azula was rolling her eyes and pulling her along.

Though the house looked fairly old, everything was shining and clean, perfectly polished. Mai was led through a Western-style sitting room where the chairs looked too delicate to ever be sat on and then up the stairs. The second floor housed Ozai's office and several closed doors, but Azula continued on to the third and final floor where the bedrooms were. Mai caught sight, before Azula slid the door closed behind them, of the room across the way. It stood empty, and she wondered whether that had been Zuko's room. The thought sent a chill down her spine.

Indeed, the most disturbing thing about the house, to Mai, was the lack of indication that anyone except Ozai and Azula had ever lived there. The few family photographs she had seen on her way up all showed father and daughter smiling together at the camera. There was one of Azula as a child, round-eyed but still with a glimmer of mischief. It was as if Zuko and their mother had been erased from existence when they had left the house.

Azula's room had a more lived-in look than the rest of the house, at least. Her room was still impeccably clean, but a hairbrush here and a book there at least suggested the presence of human habitation. It was large, far larger than Mai's own room, with a massive bed in the corner. The sheets and comforter were a dark blue-purple, which seemed to be the color scheme of the room at large. She even had her own balcony.

"Did Ty Lee decorate?" Mai asked.

Azula gave her an impatient look.

"She told me your aura was purple."

"It has nothing to do with that," Azula muttered. She looked uncomfortable, Mai realized, avoiding eye contact and glancing about.

They both sat, Azula in her desk chair and Mai against the wall to give her a better view of the room. It wasn't what she had expected, but then she hadn't really known what to expect.

"Does your father hate your mother?" she asked.

Azula raised her eyebrows. "I wish. Why would you ask that?"

"I...what?" Mai was momentarily distracted by what Azula had first said.

"Don't give it too much thought. Go on, why'd you ask?"

Mai let it drop. "There's no pictures of her anywhere, or Zuko."

"Oh, yeah. No, he keeps all the pictures of her in his room, some in his office, probably some in his wallet. He just took them down from the walls after she left. But the pictures of Zuko?" Azula smiled. "He burned them. I helped."

"Holy shit." Mai imagined it, imagined Ozai burning his son in effigy, and her hands curled into fists at her sides.

"I'm kidding," Azula said, with that little smirk and her eyebrows raised, and Mai looked at her and had no idea whether she was telling the truth or not.

She wondered what Ursa looked like. She'd never seen a picture. It made her almost want to sneak into Ozai's office and dig around. But the subject of Ursa seemed to be a sore spot for Azula, so she didn't ask.

"This  _is_ a really big house for two people. Does the cook live here too, and your driver?"

"It depends. Sometimes Father sends them away." Azula looked bored. "There's enough space. I mean, there should be, considering all seven of us used to live here."

"Seven?"

Azula counted on her fingers. "Me, Father, Zuzu, Mother, Grandfather, Uncle, Lu Ten. Uncle's wife lived here too, and Grandmother, but they died before I was born. Supposedly the house has been in the family for hundreds of years."

Mai seized onto the rare tidbits about Azula's family with interest. "Iroh used to live here? And who's Lu Ten?"

"He was our cousin. Died just before Mother left in an accident while visiting the oil refinery. Uncle was heartbroken." She sneered. "He should have expected it, really. Our family's quite prone to  _accidents._  After all, Grandfather died in one not a month later."

"Why'd your uncle stop living here then?"

"He just volunteered to go after Grandfather decided to leave the company to Father. Maybe the house reminded him too much of Lu Ten. It's hard to live somewhere full of bad memories." Her sneer became more pronounced.

"Zuko's never told me why he ended up leaving," Mai said. She glanced at Azula and then away again, wondering if she would be lucky enough to pry the story out. It was horrible, she knew, to be so interested in something her boyfriend didn't want to talk about, but she couldn't help the curiosity.

Azula's eyes fixed on her, shrewd. "No? It's a funny story. You should ask him sometime. He'd probably cry."

They were interrupted by a knock on the door.

"What?" Azula's face twisted with sudden annoyance.

"Young mistress, I brought tea for you and your friend."

"Fine, bring it in."

The door slid open, revealing the same woman who had met them earlier. This time she was bearing a tray complete with steaming teapot, cups, and a plate of small cakes and candies. She set it on the desk beside Azula.

"If you need anything else, don't hesitate to ask."

"Out," Azula snapped. The woman bowed and left, closing the door behind her.

Mai was looking at Azula reproachfully, which the latter noticed after a few seconds.

"What?" she asked, still irritable.

"Do you have to be so rude? She's not a servant."

"Exactly. She gets paid to put up with me." Azula's expression got very ugly. "And Father pays her plenty to keep all his secrets."

"Like what?"

"You don't want to know, Mai." There was a hint of condescension in her tone that rubbed Mai the wrong way, but she didn't say anything about it. Instead, she stood to help herself to tea and a cake. Azula didn't touch the tray. She was frowning at the door.

"How's your rib today?" Mai sipped her tea. It wasn't as good as Iroh's, but it left her with nothing to complain about. She still didn't understand Azula's rudeness to the woman. It went beyond her usual coldness, seeming almost as if the woman had personally hurt her.

"It still hurts." Azula leaned back in her chair and stared at the ceiling. She drummed her fingers on the desk. She didn't seem to be interested in talking, so Mai just sipped from her cup until it was empty and nibbled her cake until it was nothing but crumbs. Eventually, Azula stood up so suddenly that it took Mai by surprise. "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Oh. Okay." And then Azula was gone, and Mai was left sitting on the floor, feeling self-conscious. Why hadn't Azula wanted to have her over? Was it because her room showed more about her than she wanted to be seen? Mai remembered their conversation about romance. Had Azula imagined their relationship would forever be illicit rendezvous at glamorous hotels? Whatever the reason, Mai felt awkward being here when Azula was so clearly uncomfortable.

She was gone a long time. Mai hadn't checked the time, but it felt like it had easily been five minutes. Mai was closing her eyes and dozing against the wall when a sudden noise made her jump.

Azula had left her phone on her desk, and it had just lit up.

Mai knew she shouldn't. She knew she shouldn't as the idea occurred to her, and as she slowly got to her feet, and as she crossed the few feet between her and the desk. But she did, because it wasn't as if Azula would ever know she had done it.

It was a text from Ozai.

_Change in plans. Home around 23:00. Be ready for me._

Azula's background was a picture of her and Ty. Ty Lee was taking the picture and smiling up at the camera, while Azula looked grumpy. Mai stared at the picture until the phone went dark again. She told herself that the text couldn't possibly mean what she thought it meant.

Still Azula failed to return from the bathroom. Mai began walking around the room, stepping lightly as if she was afraid of dynamite or tripwires. She needed to keep moving or she would think too much. She needed a way to get rid of the nervous energy building up inside of her.

The door in the back of Azula's room led into a small tiled room with a sink, mirror, and cupboard. Everything was white. Everything shone. Mai splashed her face with cold water and stared at her reflection.

Something caught her eye. One of the drawers in the cupboard was just slightly open. The smallest protuberance of cardboard stopped it from closing. Mai opened it all the way and pulled out the box from within.

She stared at the label for a long time before she put it back in the drawer and closed it all the way. Then, as if fearful of being caught in the act, she hurried back into the main room and sat against the wall. Mai looked numbly across the room. Her heart was beating faster than it should have. There was a faint rushing noise in her ears. She focused on each breath in and out and tried very hard not to think about anything.

Soon afterward the door rattled and then slid open. Mai stared with glassy eyes up at Azula. She looked more relaxed now. Mai's eyes wandered instinctually down to Azula's hand to see her fingers bright pink and blistering. It didn't matter.

"What's wrong with you?" Azula prodded her with a foot. Mai opened her mouth, swallowed, and tried again.

"Why are you on birth control?"

Azula went white. It was like the time in the hotel room when Ozai had called. Mai kept staring up at her, desperate for an answer. Azula bit her lips, closed her eyes, and contorted her face. When she opened her eyes, she smoothed her features as if she had never blanched.

"I get bad periods."

" _Really_."

"Really."

"And how did you break your rib?" Why wouldn't the noise in her ears  _stop_? It was overwhelming, overpowering. She didn't feel anything in particular, and yet it felt like she was going to burst.

"Coughing," Azula said. She had a look on her face that Mai knew, though not because she had ever seen it on Azula before. It was the same expression of stubbornness that Zuko wore whenever they argued, whenever he wasn't going to back down.

Mai kept staring at her. She kept remembering things. She kept thinking of things. She didn't want it to make as much sense as it did.

"Did he come up with that excuse, or was it all you?"

Azula smiled, but it did the opposite of make Mai feel better. Rather, she felt as if her stomach was falling out. The look on Azula's face was the same as when Mai had caught her smoking or burning herself. No more secrets. No more lies. Just the cold, naked truth. Mai wanted to run away. She wanted to go home, go back to Zuko, bury her head in the sand. But it was too late to back down from the precipice when she had already thrown herself headfirst over the edge.

"No, it was me." Azula said it so casually. She was still smiling.

Mai wanted something to hold onto. She felt like she was floating. She wanted something sharp to bring her back down. She took a deep, shaking breath before speaking again.

"Is he...is he..." She couldn't say it, and Azula was no help. "What is he doing to you?"

Azula's smile just widened. Mai felt as if she would throw up.

"Azula." She said the name as a curse and a prayer.

"Shall I lie to you?"

" _Why?_ "

Azula rolled her eyes. She wouldn't stop smiling. Why wouldn't she stop smiling? How could she smile as they discussed this? Mai remembered too many things. She remembered bruises on Azula's neck when Azula and Ty Lee were fighting. She remembered how afraid Azula had been when Ozai had called at the love hotel. That had been the first time she wondered exactly what Ozai did to his children to inspire such terror. She had considered physical punishment. She had never considered this.

Her mind spun backward, out of control. She thought of the little girl lost in Amsterdam.

_I remember because I know I wondered if I would grow up to look like that, be like that, wear lingerie and stand behind glass and smile._

Back.

_Do you suck his cock? How small is it? Does he cum inside you?_

Back.

_Father never apologies for anything either._

Back.

_I won't turn forty._

She was only interrupted when there was a hand in her hair, tugging her head up sharply. Azula didn't bother with gentleness. She was still smiling down at Mai, but there was a colder edge to her face now. She kneeled down so that they were side-by-side, their faces inches apart. Azula didn't loosen her grip on Mai's hair.

"Do you remember when I asked you how your mother reacted when she found out you cut yourself?"

"...Yes."

"And you said it made you so angry that she got upset, because it wasn't as if it was her problem."

"Yes."

"Now I know what you mean."

Mai raised a hand to her eyes and rubbed them. She was amazed to find tears on her cheeks. She hadn't realized she was crying. She hadn't felt anything except bleak, numb horror. She couldn't look away from Azula.

"This isn't like hurting myself. This is...it's wrong. You know it's wrong, don't you, Azula?" She said it desperately, even though she knew that Azula wouldn't ever give her the answers she wanted to hear. It would have been so easy if Azula just broke down and cried. Mai could hold her and hug her and stroke her hair. But she didn't know what to do now, not when emotion threatened to overwhelm her while Azula looked on with a contemptuous smile.

And she knew Azula was right. It wasn't her suffering to cry about.

"Right and wrong are idiotic concepts, Mai. He can do it, and he can get away with it, and that's all that matters." Azula was almost crooning, like she was speaking to a child. It was revolting, but Mai couldn't escape.

"Okay. Fine. Well, it's  _illegal._  How about  _that_?" There was emotion in Mai's voice now, but she couldn't say for certain whether it was anger or sadness or hysteria.

"Laws only matter if you're caught, if you don't have enough money to bribe your way out of almost any charges..." There was an almost dreamy look to Azula's eyes now. "And I certainly don't plan on telling anyone. Do you, Mai?"

"Why  _not_?"

"Because this isn't me, Mai. It's not even important. It's just a tiny little thing that you're blowing vastly out of proportion. He doesn't beat me. It rarely even hurts anymore. He just likes to pretend I'm Mother, and it's no great effort to play along."

Mai felt sicker with every second that passed. She wasn't crying anymore, at least, but her head was throbbing. She thought she might vomit. She cradled her forehead in her hands. Azula let go of her hair and began gently stroking her back instead. Her touch felt mocking. It probably was.

"But you could get help. You don't have to do this."

"You're being so boring. This is why I didn't want you over, you know. You're too perceptive. I thought you were smart, too, but you're still sappy. Sentimental."

"I don't want you to get hurt!"

"I just told you I'm not."

"You're deluded." Mai folded her hands together and squeezed very hard. She wished for a knife. She wished she could stop time. She wanted to turn back time and never come to this house, never take irreversible steps. Already she knew she would never look at Azula the same way again. Already she could feel the dread and horror sinking into the pit of her stomach for a long stay.

"No, Mai. You are. What would telling bring me? Press? The company broken up, or, worse, passed to Uncle? I know what I want."

"Who else knows?"

"Nobody. Just you, now, and me, and Father, and I suspect the help know too, from how they avoid looking at me whenever possible." Scorn entered Azula's voice once more.

"Not Ty Lee?"

"No. Are you joking? Ty couldn't deal with something like this. Look how she reacted to something as simple as a broken rib."

"See? You say it doesn't hurt, but he obviously is hurting you!"

Azula rolled her eyes. "Occupational hazard. Ordinary couples could break ribs whilst fucking too, you know, even if Zuko treats you like porcelain."

"You...you're making excuses for him?" Mai didn't understand. This was Azula, who had never spoken up when she criticized Ozai. How could she say the things she was saying, act like sex was simply rent to pay for her to exist in the house?

"Shut up, Mai." Azula's smile was gone. Her voice was hard and cold; her eyes were steel. "I don't recall inviting the morality police. You're a fool. Don't sit on that side and preach at me as if I'm as stupid as my brother. You will never understand me, or my father, or the rest of our family. If you're going to sit in judgment, at least have the courtesy to do it from a distance _. I_  will decide my father's crime."

Mai fell silent. She stared down at her hands. She'd lost the feeling in them a long time ago. Still she thought she was going to be sick. There were so many inappropriate questions running through her head, try as she might to stifle them. She didn't know if she agreed with Azula. All she knew was that she wanted, selfishly, to have never heard about this.

"I could tell someone." It was probably a stupid thing to say.

"Oh, but you won't." The smile was back.

"Try me."

"Fine. How about this?" Mai lifted her head to look at Azula, who was contemplating. She placed a finger on her red lips and tapped it absently. "If you tell anyone... _I'll kill myself_." She smiled broadly at Mai, their eyes meeting, and Mai knew she had lost.

She wouldn't put it past Azula.

It was Mai imagining Azula dead on the floor with a needle in her arm now. She remembered Azula pantomiming shooting herself. Or maybe she'd cut herself open and drown in red to match her lips. It would suit her. Would Ozai even care, Mai wondered? Or, colder, sadder, would Zuko?

"How am I supposed to just do nothing? You want me to just go day by day, knowing that he's doing this to you?"

"Don't make it out to be such a chore. Believe me, you get used to it." Azula's nostrils flared.

Mai put her head in her hands and closed her eyes. It had been so much easier when she didn't feel anything. Now the hurricane raging inside her head was impossible to contain.

Azula's hands found her hair, gentle this time. It might have felt good if Mai was currently capable of feeling anything but horror and disgust.

"See, this is why I'd never want to tell you, Mai," Azula said, her voice as gentle as her hands. "Look how boring you're being about it. Now you're going to look at me differently and treat me differently, aren't you? I'm still the same person, you know, and I can't stand pity. You're the only one who's changed, and it's all in your head."

"So what? You just want me to forget?"

"It's not very hard. Look how easy it was for you to forget that cheating is wrong."

Mai's head snapped up. She glared at Azula, who was smiling as if she was innocent, but Mai couldn't really think of a retort. She closed her eyes. Probably it wasn't fair for her to force Azula to comfort her. She could seal this all up, lock it away, deal with it on her own time. And though it had been a very, very long time since she'd felt emotion so intense, it was still horrifyingly easy to push her feelings to the back of her mind and turn the key.

"And I suppose I should tell you that Father's plans changed. He's coming home tonight, so you'll have to leave after dinner."

Mai refrained from saying she knew. She wondered what Azula would do if she knew Mai had read her texts. Probably no worse than how she reacted from knowing that Mai had looked into her things. If she'd never looked at the phone, never found the box, she wouldn't have to bear with this knowledge. If she'd never come over to Azula's house, as Azula had wanted, she wouldn't have to deal with these unwelcome emotions. If only she'd never seen the bruise...if only she'd never befriended Azula at all.

It started at a dinner party with a touch on the shoulder in the bathroom, and it ended here in this old house with a secret too heavy to speak.

"What do I have to do?" Azula sounded weary, bored. She was still playing with Mai's hair, and her gentle fingers were comforting. "Would you act normally if I kissed you?"

Mai shuddered involuntarily at the thought.

"Fine. In that case...you know, it was an argument about company practices that ended up exiling Zuzu forever."

Mai shifted her eyes upward.

"Yes. Father was having some executives over for a business dinner, and he'd invited Uncle too. Zuko and I weren't to be allowed, but my brother was very stubborn and insisted he wanted to attend. I was spending the evening at Ty Lee's house, so I missed the whole thing. You can imagine how upset I was."

And somehow her annoyance at Azula's taunts about Zuko broke through Mai's wall, and she felt, if only minutely, better.

"Uncle, in all his infinite wisdom, persuaded Father to let Zuko eat with them. That's my favorite part, I think. Imagine how bad Uncle must feel about the whole thing. Anyway, they were discussing cost-cutting measures, and apparently a discussion of workers' treatment angered my brother. And right in the middle of dinner, he began yelling at one of our father's most trusted executives. I mean, how stupid can you get? That was the last straw for Father, anyway."

"Over something so small?" Mai's nausea returned. She hadn't ever thought it would be possible for her to loathe Ozai more than she did. If the world were just, she would have liked to force him to his knees to apologize to both his children.

"Oh, please. Zuko was thirteen, more than old enough to know better. If he'd learned to play along, maybe he'd still be here, instead of fantasizing about winning Father's approval."

Azula continued, her voice growing more thoughtful. "You know, my resemblance to Mother is purely superficial. It's Zuko who's more like her personality-wise. Maybe if he'd learned to spread his legs too, Father would have kept him around."

"How can you say something like that?" Yes, this was anger. Mai didn't care if it was right or wrong, fair or not. She couldn't help but blame Azula for this, for all of it, for everything she was feeling. "You're despicable."

"That's more like it."

"I don't want to talk to you anymore."

"Suit yourself." Azula shrugged and the hands moved away. She stood and sat at her desk once more, a book open in front of her. There was just silence for a long while. Mai lay down on the floor, spreading out, and stared up at the ceiling.

How could Azula be so careless about such a thing? How could she smile and act as if her cracked rib was nothing, really, as if the smothering embrace of her father's love was just a side effect of life? How long had it been going on, Mai wondered? Long enough to desensitize her this way? How could Ozai live with himself?

The lights weren't on, so that the only the dim light coming through the paper door to the balcony illuminated the room, and there was no excuse for when tears started running down Mai's eyes into her hair, one or two dripping uncomfortably into her ears.

She didn't want to keep reliving memories in a new light. Now when she thought of what they had done, she felt indecent in a new way, as if she was preying on Azula too. Ridiculous. Illogical. But then, none of this was logical. Azula was right. Who was she to cry, when she was not the one afflicted? She was just peering in from the outside and passing judgment on what she saw within. It was emotional voyeurism.

She remembered their coffee date. She'd said she wanted to get to know Azula better, and she had meant it. Now she had gotten to know Azula better, and all she wanted to do was run away. How selfish could she be?

_I'm really glad you're there. I'm glad there's someone else now._

She'd shot Ty Lee down that time, refused any sort of association with Azula. But now she was in her house, hearing her secrets. Mai couldn't be impartial any longer. Her and Azula's relationship wasn't sexual any longer, or at least not purely sexual. She needed to make a choice, and as she thought of Azula, her warm hands and her cold eyes, she already knew what she had chosen. If Azula was determined to suffer, then Mai would be there too. Even if she couldn't save Azula from Ozai, or even from herself, Mai could still be there for her. If she was the only person who knew this most heinous of secrets, then she would support Azula. She wouldn't forget what she had seen. She would hold Azula's hand and help her through it.

She blinked away more tears. The emotion was very strong again. She thought of Zuko and sent him a thousand apologies. She didn't deserve his forgiveness. She didn't deserve him. She hadn't deserved him since she had first approached Azula.

Mai sat up and rubbed her eyes on her sleeve. Azula gave her a passing glance and returned to her textbook. Mai half-crawled on her knees over to the seat and rested her head against Azula, almost like a dog.

"I'm sorry."

"I don't care," Azula said disinterestedly.

"Let me make it up to you," Mai said. She got up on her knees and placed her hands on either side of Azula's head and kissed her. She closed her eyes. She could feel Azula's lips moving under hers, forming a smile.

"Come on," Azula said, standing, pulling Mai by the hand to the bed. Azula's hand reached for the buttons of her white school shirt, but Mai intercepted her.

"Stop. Please...let me do it."

Azula smiled suspiciously but allowed her hands to be pulled aside. As Mai pushed her back against the sheets, Azula murmured, "You're too close."

"What?" Mai pulled back until they weren't touching so much. "Is that better?"

Azula smiled but said nothing. She closed her eyes. Mai kissed her on the lips again, breathing in Azula's warmth. She didn't smell as strongly of cigarettes today, just of perfume and her own sweat. She was so warm. Mai kissed her chin and then her ear, very gently, as if she were kissing a porcelain doll. Azula didn't respond but for her breathing, the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Mai kissed her neck, biting but never hard enough to leave a bruise. When she reached the collar of Azula's shirt, only then did she bring up her hands to slowly undo the buttons. One after another, they opened, until her shirt fell open. She was wearing a bra of blue lace that Mai thought she recognized, though she didn't know where from.

Mai slid the shirt from Azula's shoulder, kissing it as she went. Down her upper arm, down the lower arm, she went, worshiping Azula's skin as she might a goddess. Azula didn't move much, only shifting now and then. She was silent, but it didn't bother Mai as much as it had the first time. She didn't think about reasons or consequences. She focused only on the girl lying underneath her.

When one arm was complete, she moved to the other, and then she tossed the shirt aside. Mai hesitated, and then her fingers went to her own shirt. Azula's eyes opened and she smiled lazily as if enjoying the show. Mai was glad, at least, that she'd chosen her underwear that day with at least some cognizance of how it might end. She leaned down and kissed Azula again, and this time the other girl responded. Their bodies pressed together, every square inch of Azula burning with heat. How strange it felt to have their positions reversed. Mai wasn't confident in this, but she had the example of Azula before her, and a better guide she couldn't have found.

She went down Azula's neck again, harder this time, biting and sucking as if she couldn't help it. She was rewarded by Azula arching her back, leaning into her touch. Mai used her tongue to trace the lines of Azula's ribcage. She licked down her stomach, tasting the dimple there, and then lower, until she was blocked by Azula's skirt. She unzipped it and pulled it away, following again with her mouth. She kissed the tip of Azula's foot and then sat back to look at her lover.

She felt discomfort rising again in her at the sight. The vast purplish bruise dominated Azula's right side, but the most disturbing thing about it was that it was not alone. There was a fainter mark on her other side, and scattered bruises along her thighs. They were random enough to almost be mistaken for accidents, but Mai knew too much.

"Are you teasing me?" Azula drawled, a smirk playing around her lips. The sight reminded Mai of how Azula had looked splayed against the shower wall, and the desire to make Azula feel good burned away her unease. Mai pulled off her own skirt and slowly moved the straps down from Azula's shoulders. When her breasts came free, Mai was there. In this dim light, she couldn't see the faint scars across Azula's chest, but she knew they were there. She thought of them as she took a nipple into her mouth and sucked, as she kissed and caressed every inch of Azula's exposed skin. She didn't remove the bra altogether, because the blue looked beautiful.

Azula's panties were wet. Mai pressed her fingers against them and wished Azula would make a sound. It was difficult to know if she was doing well when her companion was so utterly silent. All she could do was continue to the best of her efforts and pray Azula was enjoying it. She stroked her through the cloth, keeping her eyes on Azula's. Azula blinked slowly. She gave nothing away.

Mai pulled the underwear down to her knees and leaned down. Azula tasted better than the first time. Mai lapped and licked and sucked, caught in the moment, never wanting to leave it. While her mouth was busy, she slid her fingers into Azula, a weird feeling. She told herself it wasn't for her and kept moving.

After what seemed an eternity, Azula's back lifted, her legs tensing around Mai's head, and this time Mai was gratified to hear her moaning. Azula didn't seem to be as wet as the last time, but they had been in the shower, which Mai supposed made all the difference.

Azula had a faint sheen of sweat on her skin and was breathing heavily, but she still smiled up at Mai. Mai hesitated, lifted her hand, and slowly licked off her fingers as she had seen Azula do before. It wasn't so disgusting if she didn't think about it.

Then she collapsed down and lay beside Azula on the bed. There was silence but for the sound of their breathing. Mai watched the light change through the paper door as clouds shifted in front of the sun. The sheets smelled like Azula, without the taint of cigarettes or perfume. It was very comfortable there, their limbs touching, and as long seconds drifted by Mai's eyes closed.

She opened them. The light was dimmer now. She stretched, aware of a growing headache, and realized that she was alone in the bed. Suddenly afraid that she'd slept into the evening, that Ozai was here and she'd never leave the house alive, Mai bolted upright.

She needn't have feared. Azula was sitting again in her chair at the desk. Still she wore nothing but her undergarments, a fact that made Mai conscious of her own exposed skin. As Azula heard the rustling of the sheets, she turned to face her guest. Maybe Azula had slept too; her eyes were slightly bloodshot.

"What time is it?" Mai didn't usually nap, at least not on purpose. She always woke up dazed and more tired than when she'd started.

"A little past four," Azula said. "I thought it'd be best to let you sleep."

That seemed uncharacteristically thoughtful. Mai's eyes traveled across the desk. With the light as dim as it was, it seemed unlikely Azula could have done much reading, but she hadn't turned on a lamp. Beside her open books on the desk lay a familiar blue lighter.

Mai lay back against the pillows. She had a full-fledged throbbing in her head now, urging her to close her eyes and return to sleep. But this was not her house, and she felt uncomfortably as if she was imposing. She'd never felt it around Azula before.

"Should I go home?" she asked eventually, fighting against the tiredness that gripped her.

Azula shrugged. "Yamanaka's preparing dinner for you. You might as well stay until then."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

Azula's lips moved, only hinting at a smile. "We could take a bath before dinner. You left me covered in sweat, I'm afraid."

Mai smiled too. It was an effort to get out of bed. She reached for the nearest white shirt on the floor, not sure whether it was hers or Azula's, but stopped before she could put it on. Azula was heading for the door still in her lingerie, and she looked back to see what was taking Mai so long.

"What if someone sees us?" Mai asked, thinking of the cook.

"It's just across the hall." Azula rolled her eyes and seized Mai by the arm, dragging her along through the door. It was darker on the landing, too, and through a distant window Mai saw that the sun was nearly at the horizon. The old house would look beautiful from the outside at this time of day, she thought, with the sunset for a background.

The bathroom was the most exquisite room Mai had seen yet in the house. It was tiled in blue and green, and the bowls of shells on counters and shelves gave it the appearance of a room at the bottom of the sea. The bath, currently covered, was surely twice the size of Mai's own, and the showerheads were almost certainly pure silver.

"This is nice," Mai said. Her voice echoed.

Azula made a dismissive noise. "Mother remodeled it, so you can thank her."

Azula heaved the cover off the bath and then stripped all the way. Mai followed her lead.

Once she'd finished filling the tub, Azula stepped in and sat, disappearing up to the neck in the water. Mai, thinking to follow, put her leg in. In an instant she was yelping and staggering back, almost falling back onto the tiled floor. Azula opened her eyes and donned a look of infuriating superiority.

"Is this  _boiling_?" Mai's leg felt tingly.

"Don't be melodramatic." Azula splashed droplets her way, forcing Mai to move petulantly out of range. "You had the right idea. Just come in all at once and you'll get used to it quick enough."

Mai did feel somewhat ridiculous, standing on the far side of the room naked, so she moved slowly back over. This time, she just dipped a hand into the water. Still it was far hotter than she was used to, but slowly the feeling that she was going to boil faded away. She put her arm further in, then her legs, until finally she was able to sit down across from Azula.

"See? It's nice." Azula leaned back and closed her eyes. Mai didn't do the same, fearing that she'd fall asleep again. She watched Azula's face, watched her take deep breaths in and out.

"Thank you for having me over."

"Hm. Are you sure you want to thank me for that?"

"It would be rude not to."

"What does rudeness matter? Just say what you want."

"I like you," Mai said. She swallowed. She prepared to be mocked. Admitting it hurt, though she'd already said it in many different ways. She thought of her boyfriend and realized she was thinking of him in the past tense. She imagined her future was the girl sitting across from her in this too-hot water, the girl who she knew more about than she ever would have asked.

"You shouldn't say that." Aula opened her eyes. There was an unusual expression on her face, almost pitying. "You'll regret it."

"You told me to say what I want," Mai said. She closed her eyes then. There was silence between the two of them. Underneath the water, Mai found Azula's hand and squeezed it tightly. Azula's nails dug into her skin.

Over dinner Azula seemed to regain some of her usual energy. There was enough food to feed ten people, it seemed, and it was all so delicious that Mai couldn't resist complimenting the chef when Azula's back was turned.

And then it was time for Mai to go. She took her bag and Azula escorted her to the door. Mai hesitated on the threshold and looked back. She thought of Ozai coming home, and just him and Azula in this big house, with nobody else to see Azula's bruises. Mai shivered, and then she started the way home.

She could have ridden the train, but she chose instead to walk through the dark neighborhoods. Her mother would reprimand her if she found out. Mai didn't really care anymore. Her mind was far removed from herself. She felt lighter than she had in a long while. Her own self felt insubstantial compared to the immensity of the burden on Azula's shoulders. It all felt too weird, too alien to be real. She was just sleepwalking, just living a dream. Maybe Azula wasn't real at all. Maybe she'd awaken and find that none of it had ever happened.

It was too cold for her to be walking. Her nose went numb first, and then her ears, but Mai kept walking. It was dark in this part of the city. Lights from windows appeared between the leaves of trees like golden stars. Mai looked at each and felt isolated. It had been a while since she had felt so alone.

She kept walking. Each footstep sounded against the pavement. She didn't pass anybody at all; or, rather, if she did she was not aware of doing so. Mai felt distinct from all of this, all the people whose houses she was passing, all the people in Kyoto, in Japan, in the world. Her only tie left was the person she was steadily walking away from.

She thought of Azula's smile and the smoothness of her voice. She thought of the forceful grace with which she walked, the imperial air with which she commanded herself. She thought of her lips, so bright, and her hair, so dark. A certain sadness accompanied her recollections.

She wanted to tell someone. She needed to tell someone. Zuko. No...he wouldn't believe her. Would he? And if he did, what could he do? Iroh. He might know what to do. He could help, couldn't he? But any help would end in Azula knowing, and her threat still echoed in Mai's frigid ears. She could tell Ty Lee, but Ty was almost certain to go on to Azula. Maybe she should go bigger, go broader. She could tell the police. They could lock Ozai up, shut him away, end it all. Except...what if they didn't? If Azula didn't cooperate, how far could an investigation go?

Why had Azula had to say that?

Why?

Mai imagined Azula lying spread-eagled on her lilac sheets, her eyes half-open, her lips stretched into a smile, as blood pooled underneath her. She didn't know how real the threat was. It didn't matter. If there was only a chance, Mai couldn't act. She would have bet her own life a million times over, but she would not bet Azula's.

Her breath made clouds of steam that billowed up and away from her. Mai's fingers were numb too now. She should have asked Azula for gloves and a hat. But even while she knew she was cold, even as she rubbed her fingers together and didn't feel much, it didn't feel real. Her body felt separate from her. What was it, really? What was that thing that people looked at and called Mai? She felt invisible, insubstantial, as thin and free as the winter air. She couldn't do anything. All she could do was observe and learn and see things she'd never been meant to see. What was the use of knowledge if she couldn't act upon it? She was helpless, hopeless, and desperate.

There would be time more to think about it. She'd have all the time in the world to reflect on her secrets. She had her whole lifetime to do nothing at all.

At last she was home. The walk might have been twenty minutes or two hours. Michi, who hadn't expected her until the next morning, ushered her in and forced her to sit next to the warm oven until her face wasn't so red anymore. Mai let herself be pushed about. She answered her mother's questions without really thinking about them or intending to. She went to bed early, but her mind was not there in her room. It was still outside in the darkness, dreaming of Azula.

 


	6. i'm not here this isn't happening

The train ride to Zuko's dorm on Sunday morning seemed to take no time at all. Mai stood, though there were seats free, and stared out the window. Her heart was pounding as if she was climbing a hill on a roller coaster, about to plunge down. The unreality of the previous night hadn't left her, so still it was as if she was watching somebody else control her body. Someone else had texted Zuko she was coming, left her house, and gotten on the train.

It was the most beautiful day Kyoto had seen in a long while. The sky was blue and cloudless and infinite, blue enough to drown in. The air was still cold, but it wasn't reasonable to expect anything else in the midst of winter.

She was there. Mai exited the train and stood on the platform until the train left again. She looked at the other people, each with their own destination, and hesitated. It would be a simple thing to get on a different train and ride it away. She could run.

She didn't run. She exited the platform and then the station on leaden legs.

Zuko met her at the door of his building. He wasn't smiling. He didn't immediately invite her in, a small blessing she was grateful for.

"Are you going to explain that text, or what?" were the first words out of his mouth. Mai blinked and then remembered. In all that had happened, she had completely forgotten their argument. Maybe it would make things easier. Maybe it would make them harder.

"No," she said, She wondered what he would do if she told him all of her secrets. She wondered if he would worship his father any less.

Zuko sighed. He looked unhappy. "Mai, it's cold, and I've got a lot of work to do."

"I'm sorry." It was probably good to start with an apology.

He waited. She tried to say something. She hadn't practiced. A thousand idiotic scenarios had occurred to her, each more moronic than the last. She should have given it time, written a script and memorized it. This way, she was bound to say something stupid.

"...I'm sorry," she said again. Zuko was starting to look alarmed. She closed her eyes, not wanting to see the look on her face, and forced herself to open them again. If she was doing this to him, it served her right to look him in the face while she did it.

"Mai, what's wrong?"

"I..." She sighed herself. She remembered dates and study sessions at Iroh's apartment. She remembered Zuko holding her and kissing her. She remembered that he was the most important person in her life, the only one who made her happy. Then she remembered that he deserved so much better, and she didn't even deserve to look him in the eye. "This has to end."

"What? What does?" He  _sounded_  alarmed now.

"This," she repeated, gesturing vaguely between the two of them.  _We need to break up_ sounded too juvenile.  _This relationship has to end_  sounded too critical. "I can't be with you anymore." And of all the available options, she'd chosen the most melodramatic, the most cliché. God, she was horrible.

"What?" Zuko seemed frozen, staring at her, his body half-inside the door and half-out. "Mai, is this about the fight? I wasn't _that_ angry at you. I'm so sorry if I said something that hurt you. I was just really confused, and you didn't give me a reason—"

"It's not about the texts," she said. She wished she would cry, could cry, but she just felt cold and empty. Callous. Monstrous.

"I'm sure we can talk about it. Is it your parents? Do they want you to? Please, Mai, is it something I did? I'm so sorry for anything." He sounded desperate. She remembered loving him, but still she felt nothing, even as she desperately wished to feel something, anything.

"It's not you," she said. "I promise." She wanted to say they could still be friends, but that was another cliché, and besides she didn't deserve that.

"Then give me a reason! You have to! You owe me that!"

His voice carried on the thin, cold air. The sun beat down from on high, merciless and devoid of warmth. Goosebumps had long since appeared on Zuko's exposed wrists.

She did owe him that. She took a deep breath. "There's...someone else."

He appeared uncomprehending, and then anger took over his features. "The fuck do you mean, there's someone else?"

She said nothing.

"Where? At school? Who is he?"

She wouldn't say it. He could ask all the questions he wanted, rail at her, say he hated her, but she would never say Azula's name. She would tell him this last pathetic lie to protect him.

"I'm sorry." She looked away from him now.

"How long have you been seeing someone else?"

"Just December," she said.  _Just._

"That's why you've been acting so weird? Is that why you told me you were unhappy?" Zuko ran a hand through his hair. He looked lost. "I thought we were good."

"No! That time was something else. It had nothing to do with you. We  _were_  good," she said. "It was never you, Zuko."

"Then why'd you do this? We could have talked! We could have done something, anything! Mai, I care about you!"

"I l—" She cut herself off. She couldn't say she loved him. Not anymore.

A sort of wild smile crossed his face. "Is this a joke? Please, Mai. Say you're just kidding around."

"I'm sorry." She should probably stop apologizing, she thought. It wouldn't help either of them. What use were words against pain and feeling?

He stared at her for a few more seconds, slowly shaking his head. Then he slammed the door in her face.

She stood there for a while longer. She didn't know whether she was waiting for something, hoping he would open the door again and take her back, say everything was all right. She couldn't be waiting for that, not when she had ended it.

She thought about the years they had spent together. He always smiled when he saw her. In the beginning he'd blush too and try to cover his smile. She remembered thinking of him as her favorite person. He'd been there whenever she had needed him, and she'd tried to return the favor.

But in the end she'd failed. She had brought this upon herself, and now she needed to deal with it.

Her feet weighed her down as she finally turned away. She didn't want to leave. Sadness clung, thick and heavy, to the back of her throat. Still there were no tears.

She got on the train and pulled out her phone. With shaking fingers, she texted Azula. _I need to see you, now_.

And though she'd left one person behind, Mai thought about the person she'd chosen, and the sadness lifted somewhat. It wasn't Azula's style to comfort her, but a few minutes in her presence and probably she'd forget anyway.

Azula responded fairly quickly.

_Can't. Father's here._

Mai tried her hardest to ignore the potential implications of that statement.

_Please. I can just come to the door._

She could almost hear Azula's sigh of impatience.

_Fine. There's a park a few blocks from my house. I'll be there._

Mai held her phone to her chest and breathed in and out. She tried not to think about the past. The sun was still very bright and the sky was still very blue, and sadness was a temporary thing. She looked at the other people on the train, reading newspapers or using their own phones or just staring off into space, and she wondered what life was like for each of them. There were so many people around her, each living their own life, none of them having any idea of who she was or what she had just done. She hoped they were happy where they were. When she thought of them, all of the other people, her self and her problems both seemed to diminish. She was nothing really, just another random collection of cells sitting on the train and waiting for life to act upon her.

It was her stop already. Mai got off. The streets of Azula's neighborhood looked much the same as they had the day before, except that the sunlight threw everything into sharp relief. It was beautiful. Mai walked slowly through the streets. Her heart was beating very fast; her hands were shaking. She didn't know what she was waiting for. She didn't know what to expect.

The park was very small. Azula was immediately visible, seated on a bench facing away from Mai. Mai approached her and sat down beside her.

"Thanks for coming. I'm sorry this was so last minute."

"You're lucky I was able to come," Azula said. Her voice was sharp. Her breath made clouds of smoke puff away from her lips, reminiscent of whenever she took a drag on a cigarette. Mai watched her chest rise and fall. "If Father gets mad at me, I'm blaming you."

"That's fair." Mai leaned back and stared at the park. There was someone out walking their dog on the far side of the grass. She didn't want to say why she'd come. She just wanted to sit here with Azula under dead trees as the sun beat down. She didn't want to go home. She was feeling better than she had in a long time. Maybe it was that the burden of guilt had, at long last, been lifted from her chest.

" _Well?_ "

"I broke up with Zuko." It was strange to say it out loud.

Azula looked at her. There was something like fear on her face. "Why would you do a thing like that?"

"Because it was the right thing to do." Mai was a little surprised. She'd expected Azula to be happy. She supposed she should have realized that Azula lived to defy her expectations. "I should have done it a long time ago, after...the first time."

"Did you tell him it was me?" Azula's eyebrows were furrowed.

"No. And you shouldn't either. Please."

"Well, if you say please..." Azula's eyes roamed around the park. Her expression refused to lighten. Finally she folded her hands in her lap with a sigh and sat back. "What are you going to do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Isn't he your rock? Your anchor? The only person who can make you happy?" She sounded vicious, mocking, still cold.

"That's not what's important. I cheated on him, Azula. It had to end for his sake."

"Who cares about my brother? Just keep lying to him. He'll never figure it out. He'll never ask too many questions. He'll just take what he's given."

Azula's hands were white in her lap. Mai had ceased feeling so good.

"I know you hate him, but I don't. I care about him. But he's...not the only person I care about anymore, and that's why I'm here."

Azula attempted a smile that failed miserably. She still was staring out at the park rather than facing Mai. The person walking their dog was long gone. It was just two girls and the cold morning. Mai's nerves had temporarily eased when she'd told Azula of the breakup, but now they were returning. She was afraid and she didn't know why.

"Right. You care about me." Her scorn became, if possible, more pronounced.

"You can laugh at it all you want, Azula. I like being with you. I like spending time with you. I want...you laughed at it before, but I want to know you better."

"Don't lie. You were crying yesterday. You were disgusted. You didn't want to know me. You wanted to run away and forget it had ever happened. Anything but to think about Daddy's little girl, right? You think you want more, Mai? Don't be so delusional."

Mai didn't flinch at the harsh words. "I don't want to run away from it, Azula." She wasn't good at saying these things aloud. She'd found it difficult to say how she felt even to Zuko, who would listen. Laying herself bare in front of Azula, who would laugh, was a million times harder, but she needed to. She wanted to. "I want to be there for you." Azula's nostrils flared. "I broke up with Zuko for him, yes, and because it was the right thing to do, but that wasn't the only reason. It was never the only reason. I did it for you, too."

"Oh?"

"I want to be with you." She'd finally said it. Mai's heart was racing. Her hands were shaking. She looked at Azula and then away again, with no idea of what she was supposed to do now.

"I'm going to stop you right there." Azula's furrowed brow was gone. She was smiling now. Mai didn't know what to think, what to feel, what to expect. "Well, Mai, sad to say that this is going to have to conclude this little game of ours."

Once more Mai felt as if she was poised at the top of a roller coaster and waiting for the plunge. She could hear her heartbeat echoing in her ears. Everything else but for Azula's voice had gone curiously silent.

"Game," she repeated flatly.

"I'll give you credit. It took you a lot longer than I ever expected. I'll be honest; I expected you to cave after the first time. I suppose you were more stubborn than I gave you credit for. Maybe you got it from my brother. Not that it really matters, does it? I won in the end. I always do."

"Stop _fucking_  around, Azula." Mai had gone very cold. The bench seemed insubstantial beneath her. She might as well have been hovering in thin air.

"I called you perceptive, didn't I? Maybe that was a bit kind. I never expected you to actually show up with some declaration of love. It took a lot of effort not to laugh in your face." Azula's eyes were the warmest Mai had ever seen them. Her whole face was alight with glee. "You'd have been much better off if you listened to the rumors, or even my brother.  _Azula always lies_ , don't you know?"

"Are you trying to pretend this was all some elaborate scam?" Mai forced her lips to move. She felt frozen, and not because of the cold.

"Pretend? Oh, don't continue to be delusional, Mai. It's boring." Azula waved one hand grandly, dismissively. "If you really want to make me say it, then yes, this was a scam. Well, I prefer game, but...I couldn't pass up the chance to do something so delightfully awful to Zuzu."

"I followed you. I started this."

"Please! You really think I'm stupid enough to regularly skip class to smoke? I was waiting for you. I wanted you to find me."

"Stop  _lying_!" Mai brought her hands to her eyes. She didn't feel as if she had a stomach any longer. She was slowly floating up, drifting away, and the only anchor was Azula's voice. Mai dug her nails into her skin to try to keep herself grounded. She didn't feel anything. She wanted to feel something. She didn't know what to think.

"You had to see a weakness. A vulnerability. Something to make me seem more human."

"And Ozai? And your rib?" She hadn't actually seen anything incriminating, Mai realized. The bruise could so easily have been painted on. The box of pills could so easily have been a prop. Even Ozai's text could be explained away.

Azula just smiled. "Vulnerability."

Mai closed her eyes. She was weightless. She couldn't feel anything, not the bench underneath her nor the sun on her skin. It didn't matter.

"I loved you," she said very quietly, without opening her eyes. It didn't matter. What consequences could there be now? Azula might laugh and laugh and laugh, mock her, but it didn't matter. Gravity had ceased to impact Mai.

"I know." She felt and heard Azula getting up from the bench. She didn't open her eyes. She didn't want to open her eyes. There was a hand on her shoulder. It helped bring her back down. "Look. Go beg at Zuzu's doorstep. He adores you. He'll take you back."

Mai said nothing. It was so nice to not feel anything again. She'd forgotten what it was like.

Her eyes were closed, and so it came as a surprise when Azula was kissing her. Only then did Mai open them, but too soon Azula was pulling away, a smirk on her face.

"Goodbye, Mai. It was fun while it lasted."

She walked.

Mai watched her go. Mai didn't move. She wasn't entirely sure she still could move. All her strings had been cut. There was nothing left to hold her down, and she was drifting away. Emptiness felt so good. Weightlessness felt so good. She didn't have to care about Zuko or about Azula. All she had to do was sit on the bench and not think and not feel.

How odd, she thought, that she'd begun the day with two lovers and would end it with none at all.

There didn't seem to be much point in getting up. She'd already done everything she was supposed to do. She'd taken her entrance exams, as her parents had wanted, and she'd done the right thing by breaking up with Zuko, and now there wasn't even Azula to bother with. There was nothing. Would there be any consequence at all if she was just to sit there forever? Her parents might worry, but they'd get over it. They still had Tom-Tom. And he'd forget her too.

Her fingers had gone completely numb. Mai didn't have the energy to move her legs. Even just thinking seemed to require more energy than she possessed. She looked at the barren trees and the yellowed grass of the park, and the houses across the way, and wondered how much longer she would sit there.

She should have worked to find meaning in something other than people before it was too late, she supposed.

Her ears, too, were freezing. Her nose would probably be next. How long would it take to develop hypothermia? It wasn't even that cold. She'd just been out there too long. The sun was there, but it was useless, just staring down at her with indifference.

_Come on. You have to get up eventually._

She was the only one she had left now. It helped, a little, to speak to herself.

_Move your legs._

It took a great deal of effort, but eventually she stood. She wobbled on her feet and took a few steps. The lethargy wasn't physical, after all.

The necessity of walking was annoying. She thought of going to the train station, but if she sat down on a train she might never get up again, so she was left to walk home. She took step after step after step after step. Her limbs felt disjointed. She wanted nothing more than to lie face down on the pavement. Passersby would stare at her and step around her. Maybe someone would call an ambulance. It wouldn't matter even if they did.

Eventually Mai found her way home. It was easier than she expected. She unlocked the door. She opened it. She took off her coat. She hung her coat up. She took off her shoes. She unwound her scarf. She hung it up too. She opened the door to the next room. She went in. Her mother was there.

"Mai! You're home earlier than I expected. I thought you'd spend all day with Zuko how you normally do."

Maybe Michi noticed that Mai's fingers were bright red, or that she was even less talkative than usual. Whatever the reason, her expression changed to one of concern.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

Ukano had risen from his chair too. Only Tom-Tom, on the floor and occupied with his toys, remained undisturbed.

"I broke up with Zuko," Mai said. It was the only thing she could think to say.

"Oh, Mai!" Michi hugged her. It was a strange feeling. Mai stood still and let herself be hugged. Ukano hurried over, placing a hand on his daughter's shoulder. They felt cold, insubstantial. Just like her.

"What happened?" her father asked.

"It had to happen." Mai closed her eyes. It was dizzying; without the familiar sights of her home, it was very easy to feel as if she  _was_ floating away. She already wished she hadn't told them. She should have just kept another stupid secret.

"Did he hurt you?" Michi pulled back a little. Her hands were rubbing circles on Mai's back. "Did you two have a fight?"

"No, nothing like that." Mai really should have thought of a cover story, but it didn't matter. None of this mattered. She'd ceased making ripples. Her words floated up and away. "I thought he deserved better than me."

"Mai," came a voice from down below. Tom-Tom was hugging her leg and staring up at her. Mai smiled down at him. He still mattered.

"I'm all right," she promised, though her voice was impalpable.

"I'll make you some tea," Ukano said, disappearing off into the kitchen.

"Dear, what do you mean, you thought he deserved better? You're a beautiful, intelligent girl. Anybody would be blessed to have you for a girlfriend. Don't you know that?"

Her mother's compliments rang so insincere. Mai kept smiling blandly.

"I know I'm neither of those things."

"Mai, don't be ridiculous." Michi pulled her close again. Mai was starting to find the contact annoying. She wanted to disappear into her room. She didn't want to have to listen to her mother's voice anymore. She didn't want to have to speak.

"I'm sorry." What was she apologizing for?

"It's all right. I'm sure you two will make up. You've always been such a good pair. I'm sure you'll be back together before you know it."

"What if I don't want that?" Mai pulled away. Her voice was still perfectly calm. She didn't feel angry at her mother. She didn't really feel anything at all. "I broke up with him. It was the right thing to do. We're never making up. Sorry."

She turned her back on her mother.

"Oh, and I don't need any tea. Sorry, Dad."

They let her go.

* * *

Time was a strange thing. Each moment seemed to last an eternity, but when she looked back, it had already been a day, a week, a month. Time sped by when there was nothing memorable, when school was a haze and she spent her evenings at home asleep or in a stupor. Mai took to listening to music too-loud in her headphones, so loud that her mother would call and call and then finally slide her door open and yell at her daughter. The lectures were a pain, but they passed time. Mai wished she'd still been studying for her exams when it had happened. That way she would have had a distraction.

She did everything she was supposed to do. She controlled herself as if from a distance, watching from afar as she got up in the mornings, went to school, and came home again. She forced herself to eat, though she mostly lacked an appetite. She forced herself to shower. Sleep came harder than it ever had before. She would find herself still awake at two in the morning, loud beats drilling into her eardrums.

It was a weird feeling. She was used to a heavy numbness, but this was again different. Before, she'd felt as if she was living in a thick fog. She still could feel things, but they were dulled by the mist. Now, though, she was as light as the sky itself. She had shed her emotions and dropped them. Without the weight, she was free. Now it was as if she was incapable of feeling anything at all.

The emptiness got old very quickly. A week in she was tempting fate. She looked through her pictures of Zuko, looked at the presents he'd given her, but she didn't feel sadness. She didn't feel nostalgia. She relived her conversations with Azula in her head, but they didn't awaken anything in her either. Once or twice she even made detours to downtown to stand near smokers. The smell did nothing.

So it had been a dream. How foolish to believe it could last. How foolish not to think about the ending. She hadn't prepared herself for this, but it didn't matter.

Zuko called. He never texted, never left a message, but he called. Mai never answered. He deserved someone better. It was easiest if it was a clean break, right? His calls grew less frequent, and after a couple of weeks they stopped altogether. He never came to her house, for which she was grateful. He knew what her parents were like. He was staying away out of respect for her. He was a better person than she'd ever be.

Azula never called. Mai didn't delete the number from her phone because seeing it didn't bother her. She thought about Azula, thought about what Azula had said, but it didn't bother her. She'd deserved it. It didn't matter where the lies began and ended. It was over.

When she thought about the things she'd done with Azula, it was like looking through rippled glass. The images were distorted and meaningless. She tried to imagine Azula's tongue on her clit, but the thought did nothing for her. Even when she stroked herself, arched her back and imagined someone else was there, she felt nothing. Lust, like everything else, was gone.

It was odd. During their affair, she'd seemed to see Azula very frequently at school, but now she never did. She kept eating lunch on the roof, but there was never anybody to join her. She spent her time eyeing the fence around the edge.

One time she did see Azula. She was on her way to her classroom, and Azula and Ty Lee were walking the other way. Azula's eyes slid over Mai as if she didn't exist. Mai caught Ty Lee's eye. Ty Lee looked sad, a bit perplexed. Then they kept walking, and the moment was gone. Mai wondered what Azula had told Ty about the break.

If she had been feeling things, she might have been sad to lose her friends.

A month passed in this way, catching Mai in the current and dragging her along until it was almost March. Her last year of high school was nearing completion. There was a new energy among her classmates; talk began of which universities her peers would attend. Mai never joined in. She waited, as she always had, for her parents to tell her which direction her future would take.

She started applying to schools, barely noticing the names, taking her parents' advice. What did it matter where she went? She already knew she wouldn't be happy there.

The last weekend of February, the local chapter of the party to which Ukano belonged was holding a dinner. Ukano's colleagues, their families, and potential candidates would all be in attendance. Of course, Mai and Michi were expected to attend too, while Tom-Tom stayed home with a sitter.

Mai didn't want to go. It was hard enough to feign interest in her family's conversations these days, let alone in the discussions of politics and laws and gossip that were sure to dominate the evening. Mai had been to enough of these functions to know how it would go. She would be introduced, expected to smile and say nothing, and then be forgotten about. She would have to put on a happy face all evening, or at least not to look, as Michi put it, as if she was engulfed in abject misery.

Mai stood in front of her mirror and practiced smiling. She forced her lips upward over and over again until it didn't feel so foreign. The girl in the mirror with the fake smile wasn't really her. Mai looked at her and felt no connection, no sense of self.

It was difficult to attempt to force herself to cooperate with her parents' expectations when she didn't fear what would happen if she didn't. All she knew was that she would prefer to stay home, to listen to music as loud as possible until she drifted off to sleep. No matter how hard she tried, feigning emotions was a challenge when she hadn't felt what she was trying to emulate in what seemed like an eternity.

Tonight she wore purple, a dress chosen by Michi in the hopes that the color might remind Mai to act happy. All Mai could think about was Ty Lee and synesthesia and the colors of Azula's room.

They took the car rather than the train. Michi and Ukano, in the front seat, had a discussion of what the evening was likely to look like and who would be important to talk to. Mai, in the back, knew she was expected to listen, but she couldn't be bothered. It was so much easier, so much more pleasant, to stare out the windows at the passing streets, the passing lights, the people. She preferred the train and its smooth, steady speed over the stopping and starting of a car, but either way it was nice to sit back and let the world roll by. Mai had no immediate intentions of getting her own license or her own car. She didn't think it would be as lovely if she was in the driver's seat.

Despite the clog of traffic downtown, they were there soon enough. Ukano led the way out of the car and into the building, shining with lights. Mai followed her parents, though she'd rather stay outside. They met a couple Ukano knew on their way in, and soon her parents were talking away. Mai stayed quiet, looked away, didn't think too much.

They settled down in a vast room filled with circular tables and white tablecloths underneath a high ceiling. Mai focused her attention on the overflowing vase of flowers in the center of their table instead of paying adequate attention to the people her father was greeting, until Michi gave her a harsh elbow in the ribs and hissed that she would be sorry if she didn't start acting more personable.

So Mai smiled and let herself be introduced. She nodded and bowed and did everything that was expected of her. Faces and names blurred together until each new person just became a disjointed conglomeration of all the other people she had met. Resentment was building somewhere deep inside of her. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to smile. She imagined the cavernous roof of the hall caving in on all of them. The man currently standing in front of her and speaking to her father, with his wrinkles and sparse white hair, would look better with a brick of cement crushing his skull.

Mai was starting to feel a headache pulsing behind her eyes. Smiling was becoming more and more of an effort. She was tired, so very tired. She didn't want to be introduced. She didn't want to have to pretend she cared about any of this. She was just a prop to her parents. That was all she had ever been. She hated everybody there, every one of them, with their expensive clothes and their waffling speeches and their willingness to use each other. She wanted time to stop, for everybody to stop speaking. She just wanted silence.

At last dinner was served, and everybody returned to their tables. Somebody important got on stage to speak. Mai glanced up at him, let her gaze wander a bit, and then she saw them.

Across the hall, seated far closer to the stage than Mai's family, sat Ozai and Azula.

She couldn't look away. Mai's hands inadvertently contracted in her lap. A pit opened in her stomach. The rest of the people didn't matter anymore.

Ozai looked bored. He was wearing another dark suit. When she looked at him, Mai wished they were seated beside each other, so she could lean in and rip his throat out. She looked at him, sitting there as if he didn't have a care in the world, and she had never known hatred like this before.

Azula wore blue tonight, and it looked good on her. She was smiling her cynical smile as she gazed up at the stage and the speaker. To Mai it felt as if eons might have passed since they'd last seen each other, and yet Azula looked the same. There was nothing on her face or in her posture to suggest what Mai knew about her. Her secrets burned through Mai's mind. Had any of it even been real? Had the two months of their affair been nothing more than a fever dream? How could Azula sit there, looking as if everything was fine, when Mai's mind had just gone into overdrive?

"Mai, pay attention!" Michi's cross voice finally registered. Mai tore her eyes away from her erstwhile lover with difficulty.

"Sorry," she said automatically. Her heart was still racing.

"Tell Mr. Shimura how you did on your exams."

"They went well," Mai said. She wasn't thinking about what she was saying. She couldn't think about what she was saying. "I mean, I think they did. They weren't as hard as I expected."

She turned to her father. "I didn't know Ozai was coming."

"Don't call him that, it's rude," Ukano said, before following her gaze. "Oh! Yes, I invited him. I'm glad he made it. I forgot to thank you for putting in a good word. I think it's looking very promising. I've had several conversations with his office."

"What?" But the conversation had moved on without her. Mai, now bemused, kept staring across the hall. Why was Ozai there? Certainly it wasn't because of anything she had said. Indeed, by process of elimination, the only person who could have influenced Ozai was—

Their eyes met even across the distance. Mai couldn't keep looking. She couldn't look away. She didn't want to feel the things she was feeling. After being numb, pain seemed much sharper.

"I'm going to the bathroom," she said abruptly and stood. Before she could hear her parents objecting or asking what was wrong, she was striding across the room, heading for the door. She couldn't be in there any longer. She didn't want to have to keep looking at Azula, not when it hurt.

She didn't really know where the bathroom was, but once she was out of the hall, she relaxed. The door closed behind her, and out here it was quiet. There was nobody at all down the long white hall. Mai stood still, breathing in and out, and tried not to feel too many things.

She couldn't have been standing there long at all when she heard the click of heels against the tile floor. Mai already thought she knew who it was. She didn't look.

"Do you need help finding the toilet?" Azula's voice contained that familiar hint of repressed laughter. Mai closed her eyes and imagined she was alone. It didn't work. Nothing worked. Now that she'd started feeling things, it was hard to stop. Azula was real. Her dreams had been real. Now she was beginning to feel some of the pain that she hadn't felt on that cold January morning when she'd broken up with Zuko.

"Why did you bring your father here?"

"I keep my promises."

Mai looked at her and wished she hadn't. Azula was beautiful, impeccable, draped in blue, her jacket framing her neck. She was smiling. Mai hated her.

"I don't know what..." Then Mai remembered. She closed her eyes and bit her lip. She couldn't cry. Not now. Not here. Not in front of her.

"You didn't take my advice," Azula said. "Zuko would take you back, you know. Why are you so determined to be unhappy?"

"I have a sense of  _right_  and  _wrong_ ," Mai said through gritted teeth.

"Ah. Let me know how that works out for you. Morality and happiness are diametrically opposed in my experience." Azula leaned against the wall next to her. They weren't close enough that Mai could feel her heat, but they were still too close.

"Why did you follow me?"

"You're more interesting than whoever was speaking. Seriously, I couldn't care less about feelings of Japanese nationalism among young people."

"People aren't toys, Azula."

"People are whatever you want them to be." Azula pulled something from her pocket and tossed it in the air. Mai recognized it as her lighter. It spun, glinting in the light, before Azula caught it and threw it again. Mai wondered why she hadn't thrown it away. Mai wondered what was real and what wasn't. She wished she'd never met Azula.

"How's your rib?"

"Almost all healed." Azula patted her side. "Thank you for your concern."

"Did he stop after it broke?"

Azula laughed. "Eight years, and you think a broken rib would stop him? You think you finding out would stop him? Don't be stupid, Mai."

Mai stared at her and felt very cold. She'd tried not to think about it. Of all the messy pieces of her affair, it was the messiest. She'd tried to convince herself it had been a lie, just like Azula said. But now she couldn't. And if that wasn't a lie, what else wasn't?

...Eight years. She tried not to think very hard about what that meant. She couldn't help herself, of course. She thought too much. She thought too intensely. She wished she could return to feeling nothing at all. What a hypocrite she was, wishing for emotion when it abandoned her and despising it when it returned. She should have just wished for happiness.

But she'd had happiness, and somehow it had slipped away.

"Anyway, Father will be missing me. Here. You look cold." Azula pulled the coat from her shoulders and draped it carelessly over Mai's head. Mai pulled it off, ready to throw it back to its owner. Azula was walking away.

And Mai saw them.

She ran to catch up, almost slipping on the tile floor. It didn't matter. Azula half-turned to look at her, no longer smiling.

"It was real," Mai said. She held the coat so tightly in her hands that she thought it might rip apart. She refused to let go. She didn't look away from Azula. "I know it was real, Azula."

There were pretty red lines on Azula's shoulders, neat and even. Azula looked down at them. Her nostrils flared. Her eyes were lightless.

"It doesn't matter," she said after a pause. "It's over."

"Please, Azula.  _Please_. You don't have to do this. You didn't have to. I won't hurt you. I would never hurt you. You can try."

"Desperation doesn't suit you, Mai," Azula said with a ghost of a smirk. She took her coat from Mai's hands, found the lighter, and lit it. Mai watched her put it out and wanted to scream. "Try seduction next time. It's much more effective."

She looked a few seconds longer. Mai didn't look away.

Then Azula turned away for a last time, and she was gone.

Mai pressed her palms into her eyes. It didn't matter; it was too late to stop the tears. She didn't know how to deal with what she was feeling. It felt as if all the things she hadn't felt for the past month were being let loose all at once. She wasn't strong enough to contain them.

Here she was, out in public, supposed to be making a good impression for her parents, but all she could do was stand against the white wall and try not to cry out. She needed to be somewhere, anywhere else. She needed to be someone else. She forced her hands harder against her face. Her nails dug into her forehead. Anyone could come out of the hall and see her. Anyone at all. It didn't matter. She'd already lost everyone she cared about.

She wanted to call after Azula, but it wouldn't make a difference. It was over. It was the end. Somehow all her bad choices, all the lust and guilt and exhilaration, had led her here. Her choices had mattered. If she'd done something different, would the end still have been the same? If she'd just hung onto Zuko, maybe she wouldn't be here. If only she'd...

She hadn't cried like this in a long time. The hallway was blurry and shiny through her tears. Her nose was running, too, forcing her breath to come in harsh little gasps. She prayed that nobody would hear her. She didn't want anyone to come to her aid. She wanted the whole rest of the world to disappear so that she could scream, so that she could shatter the glass of the windows, so that she could wreak all the havoc she wanted without ever experiencing consequences.

She hated Azula. She hated herself. She hated whatever she had done to end up here. How small and stupid and frail she was. It had been two months, just two months. Why did it hurt so much? She didn't want to think about Azula's smile. She didn't want to remember their conversations, far too few in hindsight. She wanted to forget.

She couldn't hold back a sob. She sank down the wall and cradled herself, drawing her knees to her chest. From within the hall she heard a rumble of laughter at something the speaker had said. She wanted them to shut up and let her be. How could they laugh? She was alone.

Sooner or later she'd be okay. She knew that. Given time, she wouldn't feel as if she was about to implode.

But what use was knowing that? What use was the status quo when she'd lost everything she had to look forward to? She hadn't been happy. She wouldn't be happy. Tasting it and having it ripped from her hands was the worst punishment of all.

_It's easy. See? It's easy. See? It's easy. See?_

Would Azula even feel bad then? Maybe she'd just be happy that her secrets were safe.

Somehow, slowly, with difficulty, Mai made her way down the long corridor toward the restrooms. There was an old woman reapplying her lipstick in the mirror who stared at Mai, but she ignored her. Mai didn't even bother looking in the mirror herself. She locked herself in a stall. She couldn't go back into that big room and see Azula across the way, looking as if nothing had happened.

So she sat there, consumed by sadness and anger and hatred, and wondered how long it would take for the storm to subside.

She didn't have her phone. She didn't even really have anybody left she could have turned to. Suddenly she had become an island. The thought didn't scare her as much as it might have. She wondered what it would be like to go to school and see Azula now.

Because focusing on her own unhappiness was too hard, she thought of Azula's instead. She thought of a nine-year-old girl whose mother left her and whose father loved her too much. She thought of Ozai and wondered how hard it would be to kill him. Maybe that would be a more worthwhile pursuit than ending her own life; it would have consequences, after all.

Maybe she could just feed on past happiness for the rest of her life. Could memories be enough to sustain someone? It was difficult to envision her living beyond this moment. It was difficult to visualize anything other than the four walls of the bathroom stall that was her cell. She couldn't remember what happiness felt like. All she knew was that she'd had it and it had been torn away.

After too long alone with her grief, the bathroom door opened.

"Mai? Are you in here?" Michi's voice was sharp and impatient. Mai wanted to clap her hands over her ears. She never wanted to hear her mother speak again. She wanted to drown in silence.

But eighteen years of obedience had trained her too well, so Mai spoke up.

"...Yes."

"Where have you been all night? Are you sick? Your father and I expected you to make a good impression, not hide away in here for hours! You'll be punished for this, Mai!"

"Okay." Mai didn't think she had the strength to stand, much less open the door. And even if she did, what was the point? What was the point of enduring another lecture from her mother? She didn't want to be yelled at. She didn't want to hear what a horrible, ungrateful daughter she was.

"Don't sass me. Mai, you open this door this instant."

She had been wrong; she did have enough strength to slide open the lock.

Under almost any other circumstances, it would have been amusing to watch the pinched irritation of Michi's face turn to shock when she saw her daughter. Mai derived no pleasure from it. She looked in the mirror over her mother's shoulder. Her face was blotchy, red and swollen, mascara and eyeliner dripping down her cheeks, snot gleaming under her nose. She was desperately ugly.

"What's wrong?" Mai wondered if the concern was feigned. Didn't matter.

"Nothing." How was she to explain to her mother what was wrong? How was she to explain the affair she'd had with Ozai's daughter? How was she to explain the stifling pressure that was beating down on her with oppressive force? She wanted to lock the door again and scream. Crying had relieved woefully little of her pain.

"Nothing! Mai, don't lie to your mother!"

She wanted to laugh at that. Her face screwed itself up into almost a smile. She watched her sad reflection grimace.

"I was just thinking about Zuko." She'd use him for her lies again. She was far past feeling guilty about it.

"Oh, Mai." Michi's sigh sounded impatient. She wrapped an arm around her daughter and fished tissues out of her purse. Mai obediently wiped her nose and then her eyes, though the black stains on her cheeks were resilient. "It's been a month. If you aren't going to try to make up with him, then you need to move on."

"Yes." She was mechanical. Her mind was screaming while her body did what her mother wanted.

"Besides, you broke up with him. You mustn't pine. It's not healthy." Michi helped her scrub at the marks under her eyes. Mai stood still and stared past her mother into her future. She thought about telling the truth.

"I know."

"Come on. Your father's worried. Let's just get you home. We'll talk about this tomorrow." Michi kept her arms around her daughter and escorted her out the bathroom. Mai let herself be guided along.

"Home?"

"You were in there for hours," Michi said, a hint of impatience entering her voice again. "Oh, here's your father." They rounded the corner. Mai's stomach dropped.

Ukano was speaking to Ozai. Azula was, mercifully, nowhere to be seen, but Mai only had eyes for Azula's father. She stared at him and knew an emotion more powerful than any other she had ever felt. She didn't realize that her mother was gently leading her forward. She barely even heard what her father was saying. All she could do was stare. She wished that looks could kill. She imagined her gaze burning a hole in his head. She wanted to hear him scream.

"I'm so glad you had a pleasant evening," Ukano said, giving a small bow. Ozai smiled. Mai felt blood pounding in her ears.

"Yes. Thank you for inviting me. My daughter would say the same."

_Would she?_

Mai hadn't meant to say it aloud, but suddenly her mother's grip on her arm was like a vise. Ozai and Ukano turned to look at her. She felt the man's eyes on her face, felt him taking in her smudged makeup. She didn't care what she looked like. She never wanted to see him again.

"We meet again. It's good to see you, Mai."

She couldn't say anything, not even to please her parents. Her fierce grey eyes met his cold golden ones. She wondered how difficult it would be to kill him then and there. The strength of her hatred frightened her. She had never known emotion like this before. She thought of Zuko and Azula and wished a thousand curses upon the man facing her.

She wanted to wipe the smile from his face. The words sprang to her lips. She wanted to say that she knew what he was, what he had done, but she couldn't say it. If she told him, she knew, Azula would pay. And if she told her parents...

She remembered Azula's threat. Real or not, it didn't matter.

Mai was the weakest one in the end.

Her mother spent the entirety of the car ride home reprimanding her for her horrific rudeness to Ozai. Mai listened woodenly and wondered what Michi would say if she knew the violence her daughter had imagined inflicting upon him. She wondered what Michi would say if she knew what Ozai did to his daughter. Did it matter as long as he supported Ukano? Did anything matter as long as the pieces slid into place?

She didn't listen long enough to hear exactly what her punishment was, what privileges were being stripped. She stared at her mother and saw nothing of her. She kept her face still. She nodded along. She wished that the car would swerve into oncoming traffic.

It was very late when they got home. Michi rushed off to check on Tom-Tom, and Mai took advantage of the opportunity to slip into her room. She closed the door and lay in bed with the lights off, though she was nowhere near sleep. She would have to go to school tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. She might see Azula. She didn't know how she would deal with that. Still anger at Ozai colored her every thought, mixed with despair and hatred of her own frail self. She wanted to help Azula, but Azula had made herself impossible to save.

_I didn't want this. I didn't ask for this!_

Tears were returning to her eyes. They flooded down her cheeks. Still she couldn't sob lest her parents hear. Still she had to hold herself in check, underneath her blankets, choking out sobs and curses with equal frequency, pretending she had control of herself.

_What the fuck did I do to deserve this?_

Probably it was all just retribution for cheating on Zuko. Maybe the storm wouldn't subside until she was dead.

Mai occupied herself by thinking.

In a few months she would be done with high school. What was she supposed to do over summer break? When school no longer consumed her time, how was she supposed to occupy herself? What was the point? In the fall, she'd go to college. She'd be away from her parents. They were a wall to her happiness, but also a guard for her safety. If she lived in her own dorm or apartment, there would be nobody to care, nobody to investigate, and Tom-Tom would be spared the sight.

Mai had neither goals nor ambitions. Her dreams felt as distant as the stars. Her one desire, the wish she knew would never be granted, remained the same as when she'd told Zuko on a cold day in December.

Her parents were asleep by now, surely.

They'd searched her room after they'd found out to make sure she didn't hide any razors. Michi still made regular inspections. She'd used it as an excuse, once or twice, to check Mai's computer, to look through her phone. But she'd never found what she was looking for, because she didn't know where to look.

Mai pulled open her phone case and retrieved the razorblade from its cramped confines. It hadn't rusted, she was pleased to see. Maybe it had dulled. She'd find out.

She pulled her dress over her shoulders and sat only in her bra with the razor in her right hand. She'd always done it in the dark before. It seemed less shameful, somehow.

The steel was cold against her skin. She applied pressure and it bit into her shoulder. Mai drew out a long slow line and ripped it away.

The storm in her head calmed somewhat. She'd almost forgotten that was why she was doing this. It had become habit. She'd forgotten it helped. Peace came back to her, cut by cut, as she tore parallel lines into her soul. The sting became its own reward. Blood looked black on the blade in the darkness. She licked a finger. The taste reminded her of Azula biting down on her lip, and she wished she hadn't tasted.

She switched hands. Her left hand cut more sloppily, but soon enough analogous marks were aching on her right shoulder. She liked the symmetry. It was perfect. She crossed her arms and pressed her fingers onto the bloody terrain of her skin. She buried her head in her own embrace and pretended that everything would be all right.

Somehow Mai fell asleep, her razor laying dangerously near her cheek. In the morning, her sheets were stained, and flakes of dried blood covered her shoulders and hands. She didn't think about it enough to care. She washed herself off and dressed for school. She ate a silent, tense breakfast with Michi and Tom-Tom, and then she was walking to the train station.

The sun was rising the same as it had always risen. Mai stopped walking and stared up at the clouds and the sky. Zuko, Azula, it didn't matter. The place didn't matter. The person didn't matter. It had been her all along: her choices, her actions, her minute ripples on the great pond of the world. She stood tiny and insignificant, with a billion other galaxies beyond her, just one person in a world too full of them, and yet her emotion had seemed enough to crush the universe in its might.

Choices.

Azula had chosen this end for them. If that was what she wanted, then Mai wouldn't cry for her. Maybe it was selfish to forget, but she needed to think of herself now. Her mother, in this case, at least, was right. She shouldn't pine. And she had chosen this end with Zuko, and even if she regretted how it had ended, she didn't regret what she had done.

She'd rebelled at last. She'd done something for herself. It didn't matter whether Azula was lying or not, whether it had been mutual or not. Mai had made her choices, and they'd had an impact. If just for two months, she had seized her own future.

She was more than her parents' pawn. She was something else, something that their plans hadn't accounted for. She lived and breathed and made mistakes. She couldn't save Azula, but perhaps she could still save herself.

The station was crowded. Mai didn't notice the people. She didn't notice the faint smile on her otherwise still face. She thought of the money on her train card and the yen in her wallet. She remembered that she did have dreams, even if they were only pipe dreams.

Zuko wouldn't miss her. Azula wouldn't miss her. Her parents had Tom-Tom, and her little brother didn't need her.

Mai stood faced with her future. Her heart beat faster and faster. Her breath came harsh and uneven.

She got on the train.


End file.
